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The whole poop and nothing but the poop...
Topic Started: Thu Jul 22, 2010 8:02 pm (315 Views)
boots73521
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HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the si nk, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will end all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATER MELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

:liz: :liz: :liz:

You should try the French toilets. Now, I don't mean the circular green-painted-metal 'Pissoires' you find in public places, I mean the ones you find in older houses, cafes or hotels.

Known to visitors as 'Dumping Grounds', that's exactly what they are; two straining bars to hold onto, and a hole in the floor. There's also a floor-level flusher, just in case your aim isn't so good !!

(and in case you were wondering, it's perfectly true.)
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

On a related subject, I couldn't resist posting this one;

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I guess even in the Imperial Fleet some things never change !! :D
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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AWOLangel
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spocklet
Jul 22 2010, 11:14 PM
:liz: :liz: :liz:

You should try the French toilets. Now, I don't mean the circular green-painted-metal 'Pissoires' you find in public places, I mean the ones you find in older houses, cafes or hotels.

Known to visitors as 'Dumping Grounds', that's exactly what they are; two straining bars to hold onto, and a hole in the floor. There's also a floor-level flusher, just in case your aim isn't so good !!

(and in case you were wondering, it's perfectly true.)

many places in the world have those,
especially in the far eastern countries.
they consider the "western" ones
unsanitary because you have to sit on them.
All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln
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boots73521
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I have had the experience of using such a set-up. While I was in Saudia Arabia during the Gulf War, the barracks that we were assigned to had individual stalls, but there was essentially nothing but a hole in the floor. You had to make sure that your aim was right to get a "hole in one" so to speak...
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AWOLangel
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i would think there would be....splatter sometimes.
All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

And if you've got diorrhea.......!! :panic2:
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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boots73521
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Trust me when I say that you get to the point where you can pretty much "make that hole in one" with enough trips to the men's room.
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

boots73521
Jul 24 2010, 03:39 AM
Trust me when I say that you get to the point where you can pretty much "make that hole in one" with enough trips to the men's room.

If there's enough stalls, you could hold an "18 hole tournament" amongst your colleagues !! :D

I'll let you work out the rules and other details mate, just don't ask me to be the tournament adjudicator ok ?? :p
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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Dewleaf
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1000 post angel
:liz: :liz: :clap: :clap: _lmao_ _lmao_
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