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| Can't have a baby. What would you do? | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Tue May 4, 2010 3:59 am (734 Views) | |
| Mojochi | Wed May 5, 2010 7:57 am Post #21 |
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Simply knowing it could happen is not the issue. I didn't even need to break a bone, in order to know my bones were breakable. Of course you know in your mind that these things can happen, but to actively make your choices & direct yourself based on such negativisms is counterproductive to emotional welfare, & to general well being. It's not a bad omen, it's a bad precedent. Just as positive fixation can be very helpful in achieving goals, negative fixating can be equally detrimental to well being. It's not hedging your bets, at the casino, we're talking about. It's taking a leap of faith in a human being, you love above all others, which will always require the same amount of unguarded risk as any other time you've had to do it, or it just ain't the same deal. One has to ask, if you're into, or going into a lifelong relationship with someone, who you still feel the need to guard yourself from, are you in the right frame of mind to sustain such a relationship in a healthy manner? let alone, endeavor upon parenthood with someone, when child custody is already swimming around in your mind. I couldn't imagine a poorer psychological foundation upon which to build a family. Really, I could never have imagined that. Maybe I'm just a simpleton. It wouldn't be the first time |
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| spocklet | Wed May 5, 2010 8:17 am Post #22 |
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Live long and prosper.....!!
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But if you explore the 'what-ifs' too much, isn't there a possibility you'll begin to reconsider your future and your choices ?? I only ask, cos of a bad episode some years ago, where close friends were planning their marriage and decided to explore some 'what-ifs', and that led to them rethinking their feelings and eventually calling off the wedding, and eventually their relationship too. Before that decision, they were two of the happiest people imaginable, after they were never the same again. |
| R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro | |
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| joyofvgr | Wed May 5, 2010 4:44 pm Post #23 |
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Hand Drawn by CaptDennyCrane
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These replies are excellent. I can see that my thinking on this subject is correct based on all of your responses. I'm really just getting to know this person and wanted to be more certain of my response when the subject comes up, which it does, frequently. So far, I've just danced around it and listened, but sooner or later I will have to give my honest opinion. I understand her insecurity and I'm pretty sure i know how to snap her out of it. I actually think she and her husband would make excellent parents, no matter who the children are, genetic or otherwise. I think that when you're told you will never have something it makes you want it that much more. She seems like the kind of person who would adopt a child even if she were fertile and she would love that child with all her heart and soul. I think being told she's infertile is just making her confused and unsure of herself. |
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| Praxius | Thu May 6, 2010 6:11 am Post #24 |
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Mass'Debater
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Perhaps I didn't word myself properly in what I said.... it's not that you don't know that you can break your bones prior to actually breaking one.... it's the actual realization that occurs on various levels in your mind when you do break a bone. You know it's going to hurt and you've seen people with casts, etc. throughout your life, but once you actually break a bone, you have 1st hand, direct experience in the pain, the time it takes to recoup, how it handicaps you, you have a whole new perspective on what breaking a bone actually entails. I've only broken one bone in my body so far in the 30 years I've been on this planet.... actually it was more of a fracture of a toe, but was bad enough. My point being a lot of us in various situations and times in our lives become complacent / comfortable with how things are going and at times, many of us can start to get into a mode that nothing's going to change or something won't happen to you.... and then it does and when it does, the person in question has a reality check dropped on them. It's just human nature to be more cautious in the future to try and ensure something that damaged or really hurt you in the past doesn't happen again. I wouldn't call it being a pessimist or optimist, but more of a realist. Just because my parents divorced, that doesn't automatically mean I'm going to avoid marriage or I think now that I'm married, I'm going to be divorced sometime in the future..... I don't revolve my life around possible future problems, but I keep aware of the possibility of them happening.
Well having a positive fixation all the time can also be detrimental in quite the equal fashion. I was positive in my past relationships, tossed out unquestionable trust and faith in the other person, expected it to be given equally in return, yet it never was.... I was cheated on at least once that I know of (I suspect at least 2-3 times total from two different relationships) my trust and kindness in trying to make the relationship work was taken advantage of, I was continually being forced to change this in my life, or that in my life.... I apparently was never good enough, meanwhile I never once criticized their own habits and way of life.... and while they were nice to my face, they abused my trust and faith in them. I don't believe everybody is like that, nor do I think my wife is like that..... I still have to have "faith." But because of those past experiences, I learned what to look out for and to foresee certain traits that could lead to worse things. Being too negative will just make a person into a doom and gloom that nobody would want to be around..... but being too positive and trust tends to attract the vultures and they view your kindness as being gullible.
One of the things I learned in the past relationships I had, was that through the processes of me determining if any of these people are worth me marrying, having kids with and spending the rest of my life involved with them, could I live with that decision. At times, usually in the beginning of the relationship, I felt that having a child, either deliberately or un-planned with the woman I was with at the time would be something I could handle, otherwise, I would have ended the relationship then and there to avoid that possibility..... however I was also quite young, ignorant and stupid and over a period of time with this person, it was apparent that while I jumped through hoops to change certain things in my life, they didn't budge a damn bit in any equal fashion. The moment that occurred was the moment I realized the relationship was going to end soon and that marrying or having a child with this person would be a mistake.... and that I'd certainly wouldn't want to have them in my life till the end, due to being tied up with a kid with them. And I was lucky that never happened.... and I do say lucky. With my wife, I and her entered the relationship in an equal frame of mind.... both have been screwed over in past relationships, both had hesitations in entering a new relationship.... in fact, neither of us were looking for a relationship in the first place when ours began. I know she put me through some of her tests, and I imagine subconsciously I did the same thing...... but what was different this time around was that she didn't attempt to change things about me, and I of course didn't seek to change anything in her. Where we both planned on going with our lives matched one another, our commonalities were more similar then anybody else I was with and the other big factor I consider in why things worked out so far, is that my first serious relationship was set up by some friends who thought we'd go well together.... my second serious relationship occurred when I purposely went out to find a relationship..... all others before those two I wouldn't even considered serious.... but when my wife and I met, neither of us were seeking anything and just allowed things to happen as they happened. But, even though the circumstances that occurred in this relationship differed from the previous ones for both of us, we each still had precautions and worries that carried over from the past relationships, which is totally understandable.... and as far as I was concerned, if she could quell my concerns when addressed as I could with her concerns, as we were both clearly honest with one another from the very start, then they would go away. Thus let's say I was previously divorced.... I of course would tell my new partner about my past, being married, being divorced and how it all unfolded from my perspective..... and chances are, during that time I would try and get some sort of feed back from her to see if there's a chance she'd repeat my past....... There's nothing wrong with that, and it sounds like that's where you're coming from as well..... thus I agree with your above statement that going into a relationship with these worries and never addressing them from the start (just hoping for the best and being positive) is a fault approach to a relationship and one is only asking for trouble later on down the road if they never voice their concerns. I agree that if you plan on getting married to someone and still have serious issues with the chance of getting divorced, then one shouldn't be getting married until that worry is addressed. Avoiding it and just hoping for the best isn't going to work..... talk to your partner and ask them about the worst case scenario.... the what if's..... if they ignore your concerns, if they try and brush them aside or if they try and guilt you by saying that if you truly loved them you wouldn't think of these things or worry about them..... then as I see it, there's already a problem. If they can not answer or address your worries (children, divorce, where you wish to live, etc. etc.) to a level in which you can finally rest your mind and have true faith in your partner, then how can you be sure you want to marry this person? It's certainly complicated that's for sure :farmer: |
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| Praxius | Thu May 6, 2010 6:12 am Post #25 |
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Mass'Debater
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So personally speaking, do you think they did the wrong thing? |
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| spocklet | Thu May 6, 2010 10:05 am Post #26 |
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Live long and prosper.....!!
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Considering how the future panned-out for both of 'em, then yeah I'd have to say it was a big mistake. |
| R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro | |
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| rab24 | Thu May 6, 2010 6:53 pm Post #27 |
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The age comment was more one of her biological clock should be over so it would be a little to late to find out you can't have kids. I am aware that marriages go wrainong at all stages and ages. That isn't the issue. It is solely an issue of how you approach it. I've certainly had the concern come through my head that my wife has a huge advantage when it comes to my kids. The way to deal with that is not just to try to be the better parent, but to be the best spouse to avoid the need in the first place. Coming in as we've been given here is one of those protective scenarios that is bound to cause the negative outcome to happen - though she will be able to handle it better when it does. With this approach, she might even win without being biomom, but it isn't parental instincts driving her if that is the case. It is a I'm going to stab his back before he stabs mine paranoia that drives everythIng which is unhealthy and potentially unsafe for the kid. |
| Your money is best spent by you. http://www.Fairtax.org | |
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| rab24 | Thu May 6, 2010 6:56 pm Post #28 |
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That is a lot of generalities. What kind of what-ifs were they asking and do you think it was wrong because they ended up with worse people or something else? |
| Your money is best spent by you. http://www.Fairtax.org | |
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| spocklet | Fri May 7, 2010 7:55 am Post #29 |
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Live long and prosper.....!!
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They began reminiscing about their lives before they met and their relationships, and the 'what-ifs' had they worked out compared to how it was for them. And a chance encounter with a former lover awoke the old feelings again, and it was downhill from that point. Thing is, if they hadn't reminisced, chances are the former lover wouldn't have had a look-in. |
| R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro | |
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