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| A new Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Tue Aug 4, 2009 1:05 am (4,125 Views) | |
| AWOLangel | Sat May 29, 2010 2:30 pm Post #161 |
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The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friend s were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??' 'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.' And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.' |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat May 29, 2010 2:35 pm Post #162 |
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A woman burst out of the examining room screaming after her young physician tells her she is pregnant. The director of the clinic stopped her and asked what the problem was. After she tells him what happened, the doctors had her sit down and relax in another room and he marched down the hallway where the woman’s physician was waiting. “What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” The young physician continued to write his notes and without looking up at his superior, asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?” |
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| AWOLangel | Sat May 29, 2010 2:43 pm Post #163 |
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Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. --Desperate *************************************** Dear Desperate, Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: "C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3. --Tech Support |
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| AWOLangel | Sat May 29, 2010 2:48 pm Post #164 |
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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' The priest replied: 'Of course, what may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Custom's limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.' Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!' |
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| AWOLangel | Sat May 29, 2010 2:51 pm Post #165 |
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One night, a man who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife." said the man. |
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| AWOLangel | Sat May 29, 2010 2:56 pm Post #166 |
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I ran into an old friend from college. He has his own company and is quit rich. So, I asked him, "how did you do it?" "Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was 'gold' So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Then, I opened the bible again at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was 'oil'. So I invested in oil. That was just before Bush was elected. Now I'm richer than Rockefeller." I was impressed. When I got home, I opened the bible at random and put my finger down. I opened my eyes and my finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven. |
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| AWOLangel | Sat May 29, 2010 3:03 pm Post #167 |
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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?" |
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| AWOLangel | Sat May 29, 2010 3:05 pm Post #168 |
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My five-year old students, are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!" I took a deep breath, then asked, "What did you call it?" "It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does... A f r i c a n Elephant |
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| AWOLangel | Sat May 29, 2010 3:05 pm Post #169 |
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A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way !" |
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| AWOLangel | Sat May 29, 2010 3:09 pm Post #170 |
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A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story & listened to her prayers, which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma & good-bye Grandpa.' The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye grandpa?' The little girl said,'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.' The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed & listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy & good-bye Grandma.' The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side . Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy & good-bye Daddy.' He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night & got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch & watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch & jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief & went home. When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?' He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.' She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my tennis instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!' |
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| spocklet | Sat May 29, 2010 3:20 pm Post #171 |
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Live long and prosper.....!!
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| R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro | |
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| AWOLangel | Sun Jul 11, 2010 12:57 pm Post #172 |
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heard this one yesterday; what di the fish say when it swam into a wall? dam! |
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| AWOLangel | Sun Jul 11, 2010 1:07 pm Post #173 |
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a world war one fighter pilot was giving a talk to a woman's group. he talked about "this focker" and "that focker" as well as his experiences in battle. after the talk the head of the group came up to him: "that was very informative colonel, but i think some of your pronunciations are off. i'm pretty sure plane's name is pronounced foe-ker" he replied; "i vasn't talking about da plane! i vas talking aboot da men in my ewe-nit. most vere real fokers & some vere sons of beeches!" |
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| AWOLangel | Thu Jul 15, 2010 1:25 pm Post #174 |
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A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?" Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool!" |
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| spocklet | Thu Jul 15, 2010 1:27 pm Post #175 |
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Live long and prosper.....!!
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| R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro | |
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| boots73521 | Thu Jul 22, 2010 8:11 pm Post #176 |
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 'Nurse', he mumbles from behind the mask, 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?' |
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| ForgetMeNot | Thu Jul 22, 2010 10:00 pm Post #177 |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:01 pm Post #178 |
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Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a Woman from Iowa and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from Illinois. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a girl from Washington . He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher. Edited by AWOLangel, Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:05 pm.
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| AWOLangel | Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:13 pm Post #179 |
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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother." |
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| spocklet | Sun Oct 24, 2010 2:35 am Post #180 |
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Live long and prosper.....!!
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| R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro | |
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