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A new Joke Thread
Topic Started: Tue Aug 4, 2009 1:05 am (4,126 Views)
AWOLangel
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The town sheriff walks into the bar. There's a dead silence as the sheriff surveys the crowd impressively. The bartender asks in a timid voice, "Can we help you, sheriff?"

"Any o' you boys seen Brown Paper Jack?" booms the sheriff. No response from the bar.

Finally, the bartender asks, "What's he look like, sheriff?"

"He's wearing a brown paper hat. He has a brown paper vest over a brown paper shirt. His pants and boots are made of brown paper and he carries his gun in a brown paper sack." Again, silence in the bar.

The bartender says, "And what's he wanted fer, sheriff?"

"The usual," says the sheriff. "Rustling."
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AWOLangel
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Embarrassing Medical Exams

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .
'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. .
'Which one ?'. .. . I asked.
'The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked .. . .
' So how's your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.' .. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit ,

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.....
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery...
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . .. . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams...
To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .. ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '

Dr. wouldn't submit his name....
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AWOLangel
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An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”
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wissaboo
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Admin
someone told me this on facebook


how is duct tape like star wars?

it has a dark side and a light side and it holds the universe together.
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AWOLangel
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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days...'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.' The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
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wissaboo
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:liz:
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AWOLangel
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Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will
this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.
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wissaboo
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:liz:
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AWOLangel
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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!!

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

:liz: :liz: :liz: :liz: :liz: :liz: :liz: :liz:

For all of them !!
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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AWOLangel
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An old man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son::
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden.
That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son::
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
I love you,
Vinnie
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AWOLangel
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This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental." was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. and the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who f**ked up your hair?"
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AWOLangel
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A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially'
and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered,
'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother
if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could
really use that money to fix up the house and send
you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I
would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a
million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and
then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference
between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied,
'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a gay guy.'
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AWOLangel
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A student comes to a young professor's office, after hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens. "Anything??"

"Absolutely anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you......study?"
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wissaboo
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AWOLangel
May 25 2010, 01:55 PM
An old man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son::
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden.
That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son::
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
I love you,
Vinnie

:liz: :liz: :liz: :liz:
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

:liz: :liz: :liz: :liz: :liz: :liz:

Love 'em all AWOL !! :)
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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AWOLangel
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A man walks into the restaurant and sits at the counter. He asks for a cup of coffee then looks at the menu. The waitress brings him a cup off coffee.

Waitress: What you you like?
Man: I'd like a quickie
Waitress: What?!
Man: I'd like a quickie

The waitress slaps him and leaves.

The man next to him leans over and says: It's pronounced keesh.
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AWOLangel
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A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!"
So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.

"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!"
"You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.

"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?"
"50 cents."
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AWOLangel
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The college frat boy invited over a couple of his friends after drinking, late one night. As he gave them the tour, he led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass
gong and a mallet.

'What's with that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked. 'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend. 'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it. 'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You a$$hole.....it's three-fifteen in the morning!'
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AWOLangel
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An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "so, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and ansered, "Yeah, right. Just where do you think YOU are going to get a lawyer?"
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