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A new Joke Thread
Topic Started: Tue Aug 4, 2009 1:05 am (4,127 Views)
wissaboo
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AWOLangel
Mar 9 2010, 04:46 PM
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs , "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

:liz: :liz: :liz: :liz:
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

:liz: :liz: :liz:
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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slutpuppy
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a young woman goes to see her obg/yn, after her exam she askes "can women get pregnant by having anal sex?"

doctor responds "they most certainly can"

woman "really?"

doctor "well where do you think lawyers come from?"



got told that one last night lol
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trekslut=lus stalker rest in peace mr meowgi 12/28/10
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thank you denny, i love it!!! :*
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wissaboo
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a homeless guy told this on tmz last night.

no really he did



What are the advantages to dating a homeless guy?



after your date you can just drop him off anywhere.
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boots73521
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wissaboo
Mar 18 2010, 07:51 PM
a homeless guy told this on tmz last night.

no really he did



What are the advantages to dating a homeless guy?



after your date you can just drop him off anywhere.

:whistle: :violet:
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

:liz: :liz: :liz:
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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AWOLangel
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An attorney observed a boy about nine years of age, diverting himself at play, whose eccentric appearance attracted his attention.
"Come here, my lad," he said. The boy accordingly came, and after chatting a bit, asked the attorney what case was to be tried next.
"A case between the Pope and the devil," answered the attorney, "and which do you suppose will gain the action?"
"I don't know," said the boy, "I guess 'twill be a pretty tight squeeze. The Pope has the most money, but the devil has the most lawyers." —The New England Almanac, 1801
All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln
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AWOLangel
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Read at own risk :) ....

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny , bends down, and sprays the contents onto him. The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says.. Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?

Last chance ...OK, here it is

It says, "Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

:liz: :liz: :liz:

Like that one.
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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AWOLangel
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One day, a man came home and was greeted

by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she

purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied

her up and went golfing.
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wissaboo
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lol

and that is when you know the thrill is gone.
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rab24
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Nah, he was just hoping from angry sex when he got back.
Your money is best spent by you. http://www.Fairtax.org
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

Nah, he knew when he got home he'd be getting a hole in one anyway !! :p

R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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AWOLangel
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At a world brewing convention, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of the day's conference.

The CEO of Fosters shouts to the barman: "Pour me a Fosters, mate!"

The CEO of Budweiser is next: "Gimme a Bud, sir!"

Then the CEO of Beck's: "Ein Becks, danke."

Then they all turn to the CEO of Guinness, who says "Barman, would ya give me a diet Coke w' ice and lemon, thanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually one asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness?"

The CEO of Guinness replies, "Well, if you bleedin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I."

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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

:liz: :liz:
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

A couple of jokes, courtesy of Robin Williams from his one-man stand-up show, Weapons of Self Destruction.

Mom and dad were in bed having sex, they heard a noise, glanced up and saw little Tommy who dashed out of the room. Dad says "I'll go have a word with him". He gets to Tommy's room, and sees him going hot and heavy with Grandma. "What the fu...!" says dad, "See" says Tommy, "it's different when it's YOUR mom !"

If you're looking for Sarah Palin's book, good luck, it's somewhere between fiction and non-fiction, in the fantasy aisle !

I'm going into rehab to quit drinking, but am doing it in wine country to keep my options open !

Those are some of his cleaner jokes !!
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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wissaboo
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spocklet
May 9 2010, 11:52 PM

Mom and dad were in bed having sex, they heard a noise, glanced up and saw little Tommy who dashed out of the room. Dad says "I'll go have a word with him". He gets to Tommy's room, and sees him going hot and heavy with Grandma. "What the fu...!" says dad, "See" says Tommy, "it's different when it's YOUR mom !"

:liz: :liz: :liz: :liz:
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

A few more snippets from the comic master, Robin Williams.


If you have a cat and a dog, and they live together, do you think the cat mindf*cks your dog ?? The moment you go to sleep, the cat's like "Hey booby", "yuh", "hey booby, are you man's best friend ??" "oh, god, yeah I love him, I love him" "really ?? Then where are your balls ??" "shit, they were there yesterday !! I wondered why my ass tasted differently."

If you wanna know how your congressmen and senators are gonna vote, they should be like NASCAR drivers and wear jackets with the names of all the people who are sponsoring them, then you might have a clue as to why they voted that way - big drug company name across the chest, yup got it thanks !!

A Hasidic Rabbi selling wallets made from foreskins, you rub it and it becomes a suitcase !!

If you have an elder relative living with you and has dementia, and the telemarketers phone, put her on the phone. After two hours she thinks she's talking to your long-lost cousin Carl, and the telemarketers will never call again !!

I had open heart surgery, and they gave me a bovine valve, that's a cow valve, which is great cos I can sh*t standing up, and chew my lunch at the same time !!

So what's dubya doing now ?? He's a motivational speaker, which is kinda cool, kinda like having Lindsey Lohan as a guidance counsellor !!

The definition of insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, and when dubya was elected a second time the whole world went "what the f*ck is up with you people ??"

When Sarah Palin was running for office, Bill Clinton was sitting at home going "goddamn, where the hell was she when I was president ??"

R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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boots73521
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Husband wanted to call the hospital to ask about his pregnant wife, but accidently called the cricket stadium.
He asks, “How’s the situation?”
He was shocked & nearly passed out on hearing the reply.
They said, “It’s fine. 3 are out,
hope to get another 7 out by lunch,
...last one was a duck!”
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AWOLangel
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Julie's wedding day was only about a month away and was fast approaching. She was busy making the final arrangements and totally had her hands full. Still, nothing could dampen her excitement, not even the fact that her parents had just gotten a divorce. Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear. Julie was convinced she would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Julie was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Julie asked her father's wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not!" she replied. "I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it!"

Julie told her mother, who graciously said, "Never mind, sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, this is your special day."

The next day, they went shopping and her mother found another gorgeous dress.

When they stopped for lunch, Julie asked her mother, "Are you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion to wear it."

"Of course I do, dear," she smiled and replied. "I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"
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