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A new Joke Thread
Topic Started: Tue Aug 4, 2009 1:05 am (4,129 Views)
wissaboo
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Admin
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."


Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother"
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

:liz: :liz:
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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Gummy
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Me in 10 years^^^

Fall Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Thursday October 30 , 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.



Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.



Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM



Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program (N.B. this one fills up very very quickly each semester)
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.


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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

:liz: :liz: :liz: :liz: :liz:

Soooo funny, I got tears running !!
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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AWOLangel
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what the dirtiest thing ever said on network tv?


"ward, you were pretty hard on the beaver last night"
All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

If that's the dirtiest, I'd hate to see the cleanest !!!
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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AWOLangel
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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years..
All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln
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wissaboo
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Admin
:lol:
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

:liz: :liz: :liz:
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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Gummy
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Me in 10 years^^^


It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly, can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said ' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
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rab24
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:liz:
Your money is best spent by you. http://www.Fairtax.org
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

:liz: :liz:
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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Gummy
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Me in 10 years^^^

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy..

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replied the agent.

With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago ."

"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"

The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."
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AWOLangel
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.

USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?

You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you

what it feels like when I'm driving."

All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln
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wissaboo
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omg my husband is just like that when I drive :lol:
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Gummy
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Me in 10 years^^^

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
'Can I help you Sir?'

'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies.

The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'

'It wasss on the end of thisshh key', the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging
out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out....

'Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!
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Gummy
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Me in 10 years^^^

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
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AWOLangel
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my brother told me this one he read on-line somewhere;

Jesus & the devil were arguing over who had the better computer skills.

God got tired of the bickering & proposed a contest.

so Jesus & the devil set up their computers to start doing stuff. they make videos, download music, make up spreadsheets, & so on.
suddenly there's a thunderstorm with lightning & the power goes out briefly. when the power come back on the devil has lost everything he was working on, but Jesus starts printing out stuff & burning CDs.

the devil says to God; "how could he be doing that?!"

God shruggs & says; "Jesus saves"
All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln
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CaptDennyCrane
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There can be only one

What the difference between a pack of pygmies, and the girls varsity track team?







The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
:duck:
The unambiguous and defined essence of a truest friend, is a single soul, shared in two bodies. A person who completes you so, that it pains you when they hurt, and sustains you when they are with you, no matter how far.
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boots73521
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CaptDennyCrane
Jan 15 2010, 11:20 PM
What the difference between a pack of pygmies, and the girls varsity track team?







The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
:duck:

I think I am going to just back slowly away from that one. And then run before the crowd with the pitchforks come after you :duck: :hide:
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