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A new Joke Thread
Topic Started: Tue Aug 4, 2009 1:05 am (4,130 Views)
ForgetMeNot
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A Marine general was inspecting his troops when he stopped to talk to a corporal. "How long have you been in the Marines, Corporal?" he asked.

"Two years, sir," the young Marine answered.

"Do you plan to re-enlist?"

"No, sir."

"What do you plan to do after discharge?"

"Cartwheels and handstands, sir."
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AWOLangel
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George opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.

He quickly phoned his best friend, Frank.

'Did you see the paper?' asked George. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Frank. "Where are you calling from?'
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wissaboo
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Admin
:lol:
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AWOLangel
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An priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
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ForgetMeNot
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:liz:
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AWOLangel
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Father Matt walks into a bar, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Matt walked up to Tom and said, "Do you Want to go to heaven?"

Tom said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this, You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

Tom said, "oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

:liz: :liz:
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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AWOLangel
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a man was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

the man looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
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Gummy
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Me in 10 years^^^


Bubba had shingles.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.


An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.


Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

:liz: :liz: :liz:
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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AWOLangel
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For dog lovers only!

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in
line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog....Well Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her that, "no, I was
starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because
I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IV's in both arms."

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus
diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an
easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets
or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you
feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I
was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and
was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said: "no .. I'd been sitting
in the street licking my butt when a car hit me."

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

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ForgetMeNot
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So, a zebra breaks out of the zoo and she finds her way to a farm. She goes up to a big fat weird brown thing and says, “Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?”

“I’m a cow.”

“And what do you do?”

“I give the farmer milk.”

Then she goes up to a funny looking little white thing and says,”Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?”

“I’m a chicken.”

“And what do you do?”

“I lay eggs for the farmer.”

Then the zebra goes up to a very handsome beast that looks almost exactly like her but without the stripes. She runs over to it and says, “Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?”

“I’m a stallion” says the stallion.

“Wow!” says the zebra, “and what do you do?”

“Take off those pajamas, darling, and I’ll show you."
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AWOLangel
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror
as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at
his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed
down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help.
I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow
me," she told him.

"Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She
administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked.... "How does that feel?"

He replied, " it feels great, but my thumb still hurts".
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nhranger
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1000 post angel
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends;
"My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps;
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic man says;
"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says;
"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the
four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies;
"I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24"stomach and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say: "Oh My God."
You know, there are some words I've known since I was a schoolboy: "With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably." Those words were uttered by Judge Aaron Satie, as wisdom and warning. The first time any man's freedom is trodden on, we're all damaged.
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Ltpondwater9
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**Tomahawk Chop**
AWOLangel
Nov 10 2009, 05:15 PM
For dog lovers only!

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in
line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog....Well Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her that, "no, I was
starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because
I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IV's in both arms."

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus
diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an
easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets
or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you
feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I
was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and
was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said: "no .. I'd been sitting
in the street licking my butt when a car hit me."

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

:lol: I remember reading that when they had the dog food scare couple years back.
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AWOLangel
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Be Very Quiet"

Father and son went hunting together for the first time.

The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET.I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered;

"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,

'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'

" Well, I guess I just panicked "
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

:liz: :liz: :liz:

Nice one AWOL.
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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AWOLangel
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Curtain Rods



She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and
feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited
a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the
Curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for a
few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything;
cleaning and mopping and air! ing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which
they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to
replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit . . .
Repairmen refused to work in the house . .
The maid quit . . .
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even
the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place..

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly,
and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for
getting the house back .. .

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth . . . But only
if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the
hour,
his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they
watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. . .

. . . . . . . Including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

Justice has been done !!

:liz: :liz: :liz:
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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ForgetMeNot
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:liz: That's beautiful.
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