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A new Joke Thread
Topic Started: Tue Aug 4, 2009 1:05 am (4,132 Views)
slutpuppy
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Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.


_lmao_ _lmao_ _lmao_ _lmao_ _lmao_


copied from magentastorm"s link
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trekslut=lus stalker rest in peace mr meowgi 12/28/10
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thank you denny, i love it!!! :*
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slutpuppy
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A guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the
bar. It hits the blond woman's boobs and splashes all over them. The
bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens. So after his
third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the
bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her
breasts
and she decks him!

He is laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the
bartender do it?'

'Duh,' says the blond, 'He has a licker license!'

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trekslut=lus stalker rest in peace mr meowgi 12/28/10
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thank you denny, i love it!!! :*
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Sid
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1000 post angel
No way...

:liz: :liz:
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slutpuppy
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edit
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trekslut=lus stalker rest in peace mr meowgi 12/28/10
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thank you denny, i love it!!! :*
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

_lmao_
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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AWOLangel
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a woman went to the doctor & among the tests he told her she neeeded for a physical was an urinalysis. she didn't know what that was so she asked her husband when she got home. he didn't know either, but told her to ask her freind betty next door. because she went to college.
the woman came back a half hour later all scratched & with her shirt torn. "what happened to you?!" the husband asked. "well i asked betty what a urinalysis was. she told me to piss in a bottle, so i told her to go crap in a hat. then the fight started."
All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

:liz: :liz:
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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AWOLangel
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A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, ‘Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?’ ‘That doesn't prove anything,’ the woman countered. ‘Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better – your ear or your finger?’
All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln
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AWOLangel
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A teacher decided to teach her first grade class about colors by giving them Lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange .................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're assholes!
All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

:liz: :liz: :liz: :clap: :clap:
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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wissaboo
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Admin
:liz: :liz: :liz: :liz: :liz: :liz:
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Sara_Paris
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That's Mrs Tom Paris to you

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

























It didn't say anything, it just let out a little wine.
Kol-ut-shan- Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations
*****Tea, Earl Grey, Hot!*****

The irrationality of a thing is no argument against its existence, rather a condition of it. -Nietzsche

All men live enveloped in the whale-lines. All are born with halters round their necks; but it is only when caught in the swift, sudden turn of death, that mortals realize the silent, subtle, ever-present perils of life. -Moby Dick
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

:liz: :clap:
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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Gummy
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Me in 10 years^^^



Health Care Plan



A wealthy woman was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she
passed a room where a male patient was masturbating
furiously.

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! ...... Why is he
doing that?'

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry
that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious
condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't
do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain
and his testicles could easily rupture."

''Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman..

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in
bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be
justified?"

The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

:liz: :liz:

I want THAT health plan !!!
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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Gummy
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Me in 10 years^^^

I have just had a call from a Charity, asking me to donate some of my clothes to starving Africans.

I told them to Forget It!!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes is not starving!!
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

:liz: :liz:

Good point Gummy !!
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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wissaboo
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Admin
Gummy
Oct 2 2009, 10:28 AM
I have just had a call from a Charity, asking me to donate some of my clothes to starving Africans.

I told them to Forget It!!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes is not starving!!

:liz: :liz: :liz: :liz:
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Gummy
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Me in 10 years^^^

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it using the Q and A format:


Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China

If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

If you purch ase a computer, it will go to India.

If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala .

If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1. spending it at yard sales, or

2. going to ball games, or

3. spending it on prostitutes, or

4. beer or

5. tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)
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AWOLangel
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i can't recall if i did this one;

a man marries a woman who said she's a virgin. he doesn't really believe her because she's so hot, but gives her the benefit of the doubt. on their wedding night he decides to inform her about a few things.
he pulls down his pants & points to himself; "honey, this is a penis."
the wife says; "no, that's a weiner"
the husband tells her; "it's a penis"
she shakes her head; "it's a weiner"
the husband gets angry; "i'm telling you it's a penis!"
the wife says; "i've seen penises before, & that's a weiner"
All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln
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