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| A new Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Tue Aug 4, 2009 1:05 am (4,123 Views) | |
| slutpuppy | Mon Nov 21, 2011 5:01 pm Post #201 |
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must reread this thread.........
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![]() ![]() trekslut=lus stalker rest in peace mr meowgi 12/28/10 thank you denny, i love it!!! :* | |
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| CaptDennyCrane | Mon Nov 21, 2011 6:12 pm Post #202 |
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There can be only one
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| The unambiguous and defined essence of a truest friend, is a single soul, shared in two bodies. A person who completes you so, that it pains you when they hurt, and sustains you when they are with you, no matter how far. | |
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| spocklet | Fri Feb 17, 2012 10:28 am Post #203 |
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Live long and prosper.....!!
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Just re-read it, hilarious !! ![]() Ok, a few Jewish jokes for you !! Why are Jewish men circumcised ?? Cos a Jewish woman wouldn't touch anything that didn't have 20% off !! Guy goes to the doctor. Doctor says, I dunno how to tell you this, you just gotta stop masterbating. Guy asks, why ?? Doctor says, so I can examine you !! Man goes into a food store. He asks the clerk, do you have dates ?? Clerk replies, dates ?? No, I don't have dates. Man asks, well do you have nuts ?? Clerk replies, why would I have nuts, I don't have dates !! Long time married couple go shopping. The wife picks up a tin of peaches, tucks them into her pants. Security guard sees her, soon after they are in court. Judge says to woman, what did you steal ?? She says, a tin of peaches. Judge asks, how many peaches ?? She replies, 6. There were 6 peaches in the tin. Judge replies, in the case I'm sending you to jail for 6 days, ok ?? Husband stands up and says, your honour she also stole a tin of peas !! |
| R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro | |
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| CaptainMauin | Fri Feb 17, 2012 10:24 pm Post #204 |
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Dovahkiin
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TOP FIVE SASSY ANSWERS OF THE YEAR Answer #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." Answer #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a butcher, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The butcher replied, "No, ma'am, they're dead." Answer #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. Answer #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads Low bridge ahead'. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." Answer #1 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, Class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand. |
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"I am Vulom Staadnau," she hissed, her eyes appearing to glow redder for a moment, "Darkness, unbound." | |
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| CaptainMauin | Fri Feb 17, 2012 10:29 pm Post #205 |
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Dovahkiin
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You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender. For example: 1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. 2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. 3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated. 4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part. 5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water. 6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on. 7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. 8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. 9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. 10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying! |
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"I am Vulom Staadnau," she hissed, her eyes appearing to glow redder for a moment, "Darkness, unbound." | |
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| spocklet | Mon Feb 20, 2012 5:28 pm Post #206 |
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Live long and prosper.....!!
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Some thoughts from my favourite Social Commentator, George Carlin. And warning - language !! Death Penalty |
| R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro | |
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| Dralek | Wed Feb 22, 2012 12:06 pm Post #207 |
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Maquis Terrorist
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I'm not sure I agree with this 100%, here are a few exceptions. # 3) Women also go bald #4) If you don't think women are full of hot air, you obviously have never married one. #5) Yes, sponges are female but mainly because they tend to be quite abrasive unless you get them wet. Additions to the list. Autocomplete and autocorrect are female, because they think they can read your mind and are usually wrong. Electricity is female because you get used to having it around, it makes life easier and if you aren't careful it will kill you in the bathtub. Dishwashers and sandwich makers are female, because.
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| spocklet | Thu Feb 23, 2012 12:04 am Post #208 |
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Live long and prosper.....!!
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| R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro | |
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| STF | Thu Feb 23, 2012 1:46 am Post #209 |
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Question: What did spock find in the Enterprise toilet? Answer: The Captains Log |
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| AWOLangel | Wed Jun 20, 2012 2:37 pm Post #210 |
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the national champions in fencing of france, italy & germany were arguing over who was the best. the frenchman took one swipe with his foil at a passing fly & it fell to the floor, cut in half. the italian took two swipes with his foil at another fly, it fell to the floor with both wings neatly cut off. the german took three swipes with his foil at a third fly and it kept flying. the frenchman and italian burst out laughing. the german held up a hand and said: "no, you see; that fly will never procreate again." |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| spocklet | Wed Jun 20, 2012 6:32 pm Post #211 |
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Live long and prosper.....!!
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You like jokes ?? Here's some George Carlin to keep you amused - warning language !! ![]() Death penalty About family pets George's best stuff |
| R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro | |
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| AWOLangel | Wed Jul 25, 2012 4:55 pm Post #212 |
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some lame ones i heard on the radio; what do you call a pig on a leash? pulled pork ------------ what do you call an italian lady of the night? a pasta-tute. |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Apr 27, 2013 9:35 pm Post #213 |
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why do mermaids wear seashell bras? because B-shells are too small & D-shells are too big. |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Aug 27, 2013 10:46 pm Post #214 |
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jokes only nerds will understand |
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| CaptainJaneway | Sat Aug 31, 2013 10:51 pm Post #215 |
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The Captain's back...
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotapuss What do you call a gay dinosaur? A majorsoreass |
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| CaptainJaneway | Sat Aug 31, 2013 11:08 pm Post #216 |
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The Captain's back...
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A young man away on his first year of college is surprised to hear a knock on his door one day. Looking through the peep hole he sees its none other than his mother. After a brief panic due to the messy condition of his door room, he begrudgingly opens the door and invites her in. As the two converse the mother starts moving around and tidying up as she goes. She clears off dirty dishes, cleans counter tops and folds clothes. Under a piece of clothing she stops. In a stern voice she asks Son, what is this? The son turns to see his mother holding up an unrolled condom. He slowly mutters its a condom mom. He is breathless with his embarrassment. She asks again, this time with a softer tone What is this son, I have never seen anything like this before? Upon hearing his mother did not know of condoms, and sparing him an embarrassing conversation about sex, he ponders quickly for a believable response. After remembering that his mother is a heavy smoker he responds; Condoms are something that you put over your cigarette so that if its raining you can still smoke The mother acknowledges this and they finish their visit. A few months after returning home from that visit the mother remembers their conversation. Fall is approaching and she is thinking she would like to try some condoms in the upcoming winter months. She heads down to the local drug store and is greeted by the pharmacists. She explains that she is there to buy condoms. The pharmacist informs her that condoms come in different sizes. The mother explains that she will need a condom large enough to fit a Camel The pharmacist faints. |
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| wissaboo | Sun Sep 1, 2013 7:13 am Post #217 |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Sep 10, 2013 4:51 pm Post #218 |
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my brother read this one on one of the bboards he goes to; they told me that my father was stealing form the road construction company he works for. i didn't want to believe it, but when i went home all of the signs were there. |
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| AWOLangel | Fri Dec 20, 2013 9:58 pm Post #219 |
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How many Scottish University students does it take to change a light bulb? It depends on which University you're talking about. Glasgow University - 96 One to change the light bulb, fifty to protest the light bulb's right not to change, twenty to hold a counter protest, and another twenty-five to produce a pamphlet saying that we would have solar-powered LED's that never need changing if it wasn't for big business and US foreign policy. Strathclyde - 5 One to design a nuclear powered bulb that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Scotland using that nuked light bulb, two to install it and one to write the computer program that controls the switch. Caledonian - 7 One to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time. Edinburgh - 1 He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him. St Andrews - 5 One to arrange the party, two to co-ordinate the press, one to call the electrician and one to get daddy to pay for it all. Heriot Watt - 3 One to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one. Napier Only one, but he gets 10 course credits for it. Dundee - 10 One to buy and fit the bulb and nine to petition for the electrification of Dundee. Aberdeen - 2; One to change the light bulb and one to crack under the pressure. Stirling - 0 Stirling looks better in the dark. |
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| spocklet | Sat Dec 21, 2013 3:24 am Post #220 |
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Live long and prosper.....!!
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![]() That's assuming they're awake, and out of bed !! |
| R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro | |
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