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A new Joke Thread
Topic Started: Tue Aug 4, 2009 1:05 am (4,124 Views)
AWOLangel
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A motorist stopped his car on the outskirts of town and asked directions from an elderly farmer working in a field with a horse-drawn plow. The farmer appeared to be in his late sixties, and the stranger was impressed with the vigor with which he tackled his chores.

"Aren't you a little old to be doing heavy work like this?" he asked.

"Ain't so bad," the farmer replied. "My pa is an awful big help."

"Your father is alive?"

"Yup. That's him up by the barn there, pitching manure."

The stranger spotted the old gentleman in the distance. "But that's amazing. How old is he, anyway?"

"Pa's 86."

"I can't believe it. A man his age ought not to be exerting himself like that."

"Well, ordinarily Grandpa is around to help."

"You have a grandfather? Good heavens, how old would he be?"

"Hundred and three."

"This is astonishing. Where is he now?"

"On his honeymoon."

"You mean to tell me that he just got married? Why on earth would a man his age want to do that?"

"Didn't want to. Had to."
All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln
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AWOLangel
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a nun does some work as a home health care provider. one day when she's out on her rounds, the car runs out of gas.

she's not for from a gas station, but doesn't have a gas can. when she walks to the gas station she finds out that they don't have any gas cans either. so she walks back to her car for the only container she as, a bed pan.

the nun goes back to the gas station, puts what gas she can in the bed pan & walks back to her car.

as she's pouring the gas from the bed pan into the tank, two guys come out from a house across the street. one turns to the other and says: "if that car starts, i'm becoming a catholic"
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AWOLangel
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AND GOD CREATED VIRGINIA
(Even non-Virginians should love this one.)

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Virginia, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains.
The people from Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things"
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "Right next to Virginia is Washington, D.C. Wait 'til you see the idiots I put there."
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ForgetMeNot
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:liz: :liz: :liz:
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spocklet
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Live long and prosper.....!!

Madam - 'we have to work this weekend'.

Me - :liz: :liz: :liz:
R.I.P. Gummy, we'll miss you bro
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AWOLangel
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i can't remember if i posted this;

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in Flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

Then the proctologist fainted.
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AWOLangel
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Dave was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. he figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, Dave went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

Dave tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail's pace.


Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You know, you just can't fix stupid.
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AWOLangel
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Blonde with a Cell Phone

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Susie," he said, "How do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
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AWOLangel
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THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where
skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He
went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous
skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor,
saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding
result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back
together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a
pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it
all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".
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AWOLangel
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Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple
of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this
money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in
20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going
to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks
like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
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AWOLangel
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The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were
asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of the winning entries:

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up
on the roof and gets stuck there.

Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

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AWOLangel
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Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
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AWOLangel
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A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’ ‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’ A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.
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AWOLangel
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A fifth grade teacher was questioning her students use of the word "like." She explained that, contrary to their common use of it, "like" was not an adjective but a comparison word. She then challenged them to think up some similes to exemplify the lesson. This done, she moved on to ask about other figures of speech.
"Class, what others can you think of?"
No one in the class could come up with anything, so she prompted them with a couple of her own.
"How about metaphors and personification?" she asked. "Aren't they examples?"
Little Johnny raised his hand, and when called upon said, "I know what a metaphor is, but not personification."
The teacher replied, "What's the word to describe what I'm saying when I point to that old willow tree and say 'He's saluting us with his branches.' Or what if I asked the sun to send us some sunshine? Or if I said 'That field of tall grass is waving at us?' What word best describes what I'm doing when I speak like that?"
Little Johnny thought a moment, then said, "Hallucinating?"
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wissaboo
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Admin
A man's wife was dying. He was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shh" He said, "there's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No I must die in peace. I had s*x with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!"
"I know," He whispered "That's why I poisoned you, now close your eyes!!"
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wissaboo
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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
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AWOLangel
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some late jokes for talk like a pirate day;

Joe was walking up his driveway after work, when he saw his son with a big black pirate hat on and swinging a wooden sword. He called to his son and asked what he was doing, His son answered "Im a pirate!
His father smiles and said really? "Where are your Buccaneers?"
His son looks at him like he was an idiot and replied "Under my buckin 'at!"


As a child, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.


What do you call a pirate with two eyes, two arms, and two legs? Rookie.
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Dralek
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Maquis Terrorist

Harvey had spent a week vacationing in New York and was elated to learn his seat on the flight home to West Virginia had been upgraded to first class. After they had taken to the air he ordered his drink of choice, double bourbon, straight up and decided to get to know his fellow passengers a bit better.

He turned to the gentleman seated next to him, a seemingly affluent man dressed in a suit and introduced himself. "Hey there, my names Harvey and I've never been in first class before. So, where ya from?"

The gentleman looked the hillbilly over with an upturned nose and arched his brow as he replied, "The sort of place where one learns better than to end a sentence with a preposition."

Harvey chewed his lower lip a moment and nodded before replying, "So, where ya from, asshole?"
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Dralek
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Maquis Terrorist

Here is the obituary for Pop-N-Fresh, more commonly known as the Pillsbury Dough Boy. I didn't even know he had been ill, though he has looked pale for years...


Veteran Pillsbury Spokesman, Pop-N Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71 years old. Fresh was buried with one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including: Mrs Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, Chef Boy-Ar-Dee and the Hostess Twinkies. The gravesite was piled high with flours, as long time friend, Aunt Jemima ,delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered to be a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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wissaboo
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A brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I'm really a blonde.".."I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken"
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