More jokes!

Wanted: New forum members!
Do you have the right stuff to be an arch-angel member?
Must be:

willing to talk trek
able to have fun
open to geekiness in all it's glory
willing to make new friends and be overwhelmed by our welcoming members
open to particpating in lots of activities and contests

Do you have what it takes? Then what are you waiting for? Register now and start posting right away! Register Now!

Pages:
1
…
6
7

More jokes!; They are hilarious!
Tweet Topic Started: Fri May 9, 2008 10:41 am (2,184 Views)
AWOLangel	Sun May 24, 2009 7:07 pm Post #121
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.



ForgetMeNot	Tue May 26, 2009 11:47 pm Post #122
Posts: 8,777 Group: Romulan 5000 Member #9 Joined: November 17, 2005	AWOLangel May 24 2009, 10:07 PM Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.



Purplelizard2006	Wed May 27, 2009 9:06 am Post #123
It's Christmas! Posts: 10,969 Group: TNG 10000 post spammer Member #53 Joined: June 17, 2006	Violet Apr 27 2009, 06:59 PM AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice, and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.' MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but men on the other hand... will be men. They were watching her naked body and not the numbers on the dices.
	I'm the biker babe!


Purplelizard2006	Wed May 27, 2009 9:07 am Post #124
It's Christmas! Posts: 10,969 Group: TNG 10000 post spammer Member #53 Joined: June 17, 2006	AWOLangel May 24 2009, 09:07 PM Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.
	I'm the biker babe!


AWOLangel	Wed Jun 17, 2009 3:52 pm Post #125
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. (Note: I don't know how much of the "modern" version(s) of the show are scripted with respect to guest responses, funny or otherwise. As for the original show: In truth, the guests were sometimes given certain questions ahead of time, in order to have an opportunity to craft answers. Certain questions also were written deliberately for specific guests in order to provoke responses in keeping with that guest's personality/delivery. Still, a lot of the answers we heard were ad-libbed. Oh, and Paul Lynde totally rulz.) Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
	All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln


wissaboo	Wed Jun 17, 2009 10:32 pm Post #126
Posts: 25,676 Group: Admin Member #1 Joined: November 16, 2005



ForgetMeNot	Wed Jun 17, 2009 11:16 pm Post #127
Posts: 8,777 Group: Romulan 5000 Member #9 Joined: November 17, 2005	Those are great, AWOL!



Gummy	Thu Jun 18, 2009 12:56 am Post #128
Me in 10 years^^^ Posts: 29,655 Group: Nu Trek Nirvana Member #706 Joined: July 23, 2007	he Four Cats Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, ' T-square, do your stuff. ' T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,�� 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff. ' Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better.. He called his cat and said, ' Measure, do your stuff. ' Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, ' What can your cat do? ' The Government Employee called his cat and said, ' CoffeeBreak, do your stuff. '��CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet....... ate the cookies........ drank the milk....... shit on the paper....... screwed the other three cats....... claimed he injured his back while doing so....... filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions...... put in for Workers Compensation...............and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............. AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!



Gummy	Thu Jun 18, 2009 1:02 am Post #129
Me in 10 years^^^ Posts: 29,655 Group: Nu Trek Nirvana Member #706 Joined: July 23, 2007	wissaboo Jun 18 2009, 01:32 AM I had forgotten how great Hollywood Squares was. I really miss it.



Purplelizard2006	Thu Jun 18, 2009 7:38 am Post #130
It's Christmas! Posts: 10,969 Group: TNG 10000 post spammer Member #53 Joined: June 17, 2006	at both posts.
	I'm the biker babe!


AWOLangel	Fri Jun 19, 2009 5:20 pm Post #131
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	213 things that skippy is no longer allowed to do in the army 17. God may not contradict any of my orders. 19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I’m right. 23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking crack. 24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it’s true. 33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody. 34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I did bring enough for everybody. 52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range 77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them “You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.” 103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did. 126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like. 137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk. 138. Even if my commander did it. 145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test. 146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same. 167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks. 168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio. 169. Not even if they are “especially patriotic films” 176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office. 205. Don’t write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. (”Broken clutch pedal”, “Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs”, “flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged”) 212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don’t have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
	All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln


ForgetMeNot	Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:15 pm Post #132
Posts: 8,777 Group: Romulan 5000 Member #9 Joined: November 17, 2005	I love the Skippy list!



1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)


« Previous Topic · Matter Stream · Next Topic »

Pages:
1
…
6
7