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| More jokes!; They are hilarious! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Fri May 9, 2008 10:41 am (2,186 Views) | |
| Gummy | Sun Mar 1, 2009 1:00 pm Post #101 |
Me in 10 years^^^
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A-M STEEL, FEELING IT WAS TIME FOR A SHAKE-UP, HIRED A NEW CEO. THE NEW BOSS WAS DETERMINED TO RID THE COMPANY OF ALL SLACKERS. ON A TOUR OF THE FACILITIES, THE CEO NOTICED A GUY LEANING ON A WALL. THE ROOM WAS FULL OF WORKERS AND HE WANTED TO LET THEM KNOW THAT HE MEANT BUSINESS. HE WALKED UP TO THE GUY LEANING AGAINST THE WALL AND ASKED, 'HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU MAKE A WEEK?' A LITTLE SURPRISED, THE YOUNG MAN LOOKED AT HIM AND REPLIED, 'I MAKE $200 A WEEK. WHY?' THE CEO THEN HANDED THE GUY $800 IN CASH AND SCREAMED, 'HERE'S FOUR WEEKS'PAY, NOW GET OUT AND DON'T COME BACK.' FEELING PRETTY GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF, THE CEO LOOKED AROUND THE ROOM AND ASKED, 'DOES ANYONE WANT TO TELL ME WHAT THAT GOOF-BALL DID HERE?' FROM ACROSS THE ROOM CAME A VOICE, 'PIZZA DELIVERY GUY FROM DOMINO'S.' |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Mar 10, 2009 2:23 pm Post #102 |
 
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in a trail a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly woman, to the stand. the prosecutor approached her & asked; "do you know who i am?" she replied; "yes sir i do. i've know you since you were a boy. and frankly you've been a disappointment to me. you lie, you cheat on your wife. you talk about people behind their backs. you act like a big shot when you haven't got the brains to realize that you'll never be fore than a 2-bit paper pusher. yes i know you." the lawyer was stunned, not knowing what to do he pointed at the defence attorney. "you you know the defence attorney?" the woman said; "yes i do. i've know him shince he was young too. he's lazy, biggotted, cheats on his taxes & has a drinking problem. he can't build a normal relationship with anyone, his law practice is the worst in the state. not to mention that he's cheated on his wife with 3 other women, one was your wife. yes i know him" the defence lawyer nearly died. the judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench & in a very quiet voice said; "if either of you idiots ask her if she knows me, i'll send both of you to the electric chair" |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| Purplelizard2006 | Fri Apr 10, 2009 5:49 pm Post #103 |
It's Christmas!
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"TWO OLD MEN" TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD! 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL , SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.' 'A WITCH ??. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!' 
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    I'm the biker babe! | |
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| VioletCloud | Fri Apr 10, 2009 8:48 pm Post #104 |
Water Tribe!
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 what a crazy joke! |
All my posts are done from my tablet. I apologize for all strange errors in my posts... as swype hates me.  | |
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| AWOLangel | Mon Apr 13, 2009 1:28 pm Post #105 |
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Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Part 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN: Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. Admire your manly physique in the mirror and scratch your behind. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your hair... Make a shampoo Mohawk. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel and make the whoop-whoop sound. Throw wet towel on her pillow. If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day! Oh, and....whoop-whoop!! |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| Purplelizard2006 | Tue Apr 14, 2009 10:00 am Post #106 |
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It's Christmas!
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Must be obvious.
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I'm the biker babe! | |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Apr 14, 2009 1:58 pm Post #107 |
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The FEMALE makes the rules. Non-negotiable. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notice. That is the way it is. No male can possibly know all the rules. The current rules. We can know the previous rules and make educated guesses as to the new rules. If the FEMALE suspects the male knows all the rules she must immediately change some or all the rules. Never let them suspect we know the rules. The FEMALE is never wrong. Never doubt this. If the FEMALE is wrong it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did. Unfortunately it usually is. The male must apologise for causing said misunderstanding. You can never go wrong with chocolate. The male is always wrong. It is best to keep this in mind. The male may be right if he agrees with the FEMALE unless she wants him to disagree. This one is a slippery slope. 62% of the time, it is best to agree; 36% of the time, to disagree; and 2% of the time, you are on your own, but it is advised to have chocolate handy. The FEMALE may change her mind at any time. This is a constant. The male may never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE. It must be signed, stamped with an official seal, and filed in triplicate. The FEMALE has every right to be upset or angry at any time. Again, chocolate. The male must remain calm at all times unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset. 58% of the time, it is relatively easy to figure out which one. We will not discuss the other 42%, the poor souls. The FEMALE must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants him to be angry and/or upset. Do not reveal the above statistics. The male is expected to mind-read at all times. A warning to any telepathically enabled persons: They can sense it, be very careful or they will plant false feelings to keep you on your toes. Rules dependant on current mood of the female. |
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| AWOLangel | Fri Apr 17, 2009 2:31 pm Post #108 |
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Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As of yet, the store was incomplete, with only a few shelves set up for merchandise. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, took a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked, "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes." Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You are doing well then... only two left!" |
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| wissaboo | Fri Apr 17, 2009 3:21 pm Post #109 |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Apr 21, 2009 2:41 pm Post #110 |
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a man comes back early from a conference & on his way home in the taxi he explains to the driver that he's back early to catch is wife cheating. the man asks the driver to be a witness & offers him $100. the guy agrees. the taxi is parked down the block from the man's house & the 2 sneak up to the back door. they take off their shoes and creep up the stairs. they burst into the master bedroom & find the wife in bed covered up to her chin with a blanket. the man rips away the blanket to reveal a man in bed with her & they're both naked. the husband pulls out a gun. the wife screams; "don't! i lied about that big inheritance i got! he paid for the yacht! he pays for our trip to the bahamas every year! he pays our country club dues!" the man looks to the cab driver & asks: "what woulds you do?" the guy says; "i'd cover his ass so he doesn't catch a cold" |
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| Purplelizard2006 | Wed Apr 22, 2009 11:28 am Post #111 |
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It's Christmas!
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I'm the biker babe! | |
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| Gummy | Thu Apr 23, 2009 10:34 pm Post #112 |
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Me in 10 years^^^
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Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir." The President replies: "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi." The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and says, "Excellent trade, sir." |
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| AWOLangel | Sun Apr 26, 2009 1:10 pm Post #113 |
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I was recently diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder This is how it manifests: I decide to water my flower tubs in the front garden. As I go to turn on the hose I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. I go to get the car keys from the porch and then notice the post on the porch table. I decide to go through the post before I wash the car. I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first. But then I think, I can run down to the post-box when I take out the rubbish, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My other cheque book is in the computer desk, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find my mug of coffee I'm going to look for my other cheque book, but first I need to push the mug aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The coffee is getting cold so I decide to heat it up in the microwave As I head toward the kitchen with the coffee, a vase of flowers on the window ledge catches my eye - they need water. I put the mug on the window ledge and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my computer desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I put the glasses back down on the window ledge, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. I must have left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when I go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I go to pour water in the flowers, but some spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get a towel and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: The flower tubs aren't watered; The car isn't washed; The bills aren't paid; There is a cold mug of coffee sitting on the window ledge; The flowers in the vase don't have enough water; There is still only one cheque in my cheque book; I can't find the remote; I can't find my glasses; I have absolutely NO idea what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to work out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired. Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming, and sooner than you think! |
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| AWOLangel | Mon Apr 27, 2009 2:22 pm Post #114 |
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The Three Little Pigs Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy. "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy," but why have you only ordered beer all evening?" The third piggy says -"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home." |
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| VioletCloud | Mon Apr 27, 2009 4:53 pm Post #115 |
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Water Tribe!
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Dear Billy Bob, As you know, my divorce was final yesterday, and in the divorce settlement she was awarded the double-wide mobile home and my pickup truck. Can you believe it? I expected her to get the double-wide, but having to give her my truck was just more than I could bear. I had no choice, so as per the court order, I delivered the truck to her before 2:00 PM today. I'm sure gonna miss that truck. Had to get a picture of it before it was gone forever - taped a copy below. If you need to get hold of me, I'll be staying with my folks until I can find me a place. Take care, Bubba  |
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All my posts are done from my tablet. I apologize for all strange errors in my posts... as swype hates me. | |
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| VioletCloud | Mon Apr 27, 2009 4:56 pm Post #116 |
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Water Tribe!
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The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews And testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed Him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting In a chair .. . .. Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man For this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was Quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.' Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one After another. They heard screaming, crashing, Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.' |
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All my posts are done from my tablet. I apologize for all strange errors in my posts... as swype hates me. | |
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| VioletCloud | Mon Apr 27, 2009 4:59 pm Post #117 |
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Water Tribe!
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AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice, and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.' MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but men on the other hand... will be men. |
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All my posts are done from my tablet. I apologize for all strange errors in my posts... as swype hates me. | |
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| VioletCloud | Mon Apr 27, 2009 5:14 pm Post #118 |
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Water Tribe!
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A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of older people buy cat food to eat, and the government requires proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store, and they sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, because older people sometimes eat dog food. She went home and brought in her dog, and they sold her dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid, and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole but the cashier refused, saying "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like crap." The little old lady said, "It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?" |
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All my posts are done from my tablet. I apologize for all strange errors in my posts... as swype hates me. | |
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| Sid | Mon Apr 27, 2009 7:19 pm Post #119 |
1000 post angel
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Wow 
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| AWOLangel | Sun May 17, 2009 6:01 pm Post #120 |
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Q: What's worn under a Scotsman's kilt? A: Nothing, it's all in working order. A: Hose and ghillie brogues. A: Yer mum's lipstick. A: If yer hand's warm, I'll let you find out. Oh, and there's a lot you can tell by the length of the kilt as well. If it's above the knee, he's a lad. At the knee, he's a man. Below the knee, he's either a braggart or a liar. |
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