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| More jokes!; They are hilarious! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Fri May 9, 2008 10:41 am (2,187 Views) | |
| AWOLangel | Tue Oct 28, 2008 5:13 pm Post #81 |
 
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Wed Oct 29, 2008 3:02 pm Post #82 |
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i heard this on the radio the other day; what's the difference between beer nuts & deer nuts? beer nuts are a dollar & deer nuts are under a buck |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Thu Nov 20, 2008 2:48 pm Post #83 |
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One sunny day in 2009 an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’s been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard: “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.” The Marine looks at the man: “Sir, Mr. Bush no longer is president, and no longer resides here.” The old man says, “Okay,” and walks away. The following day, the same man approaches the White House, says to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.” The Marine again tells the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.” The man thanks him and, again, just walks away. The third day, the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U. S. Marine saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.” The Marine, somewhat irritated at this point, looks hard at the man and says, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve already told you that Mr. Bush is no longer President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?” The old man looks at the Marine: “Oh, I understand, all right. I just love hearing you say it.” The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, “See you tomorrow, sir.” |
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| Sara_Paris | Fri Nov 21, 2008 2:48 pm Post #84 |
That's Mrs Tom Paris to you
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Stupid joke. Got it in an e-mail THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.' The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice.  |
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Kol-ut-shan- Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations *****Tea, Earl Grey, Hot!***** The irrationality of a thing is no argument against its existence, rather a condition of it. -Nietzsche All men live enveloped in the whale-lines. All are born with halters round their necks; but it is only when caught in the swift, sudden turn of death, that mortals realize the silent, subtle, ever-present perils of life. -Moby Dick | |
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| Sara_Paris | Fri Nov 28, 2008 8:21 am Post #85 |
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That's Mrs Tom Paris to you
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WHEN TO START CUSSING! A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass..' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.' WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the Kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!' She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' 'I don't know', he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!' |
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Kol-ut-shan- Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations *****Tea, Earl Grey, Hot!***** The irrationality of a thing is no argument against its existence, rather a condition of it. -Nietzsche All men live enveloped in the whale-lines. All are born with halters round their necks; but it is only when caught in the swift, sudden turn of death, that mortals realize the silent, subtle, ever-present perils of life. -Moby Dick | |
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| Purplelizard2006 | Fri Nov 28, 2008 9:21 am Post #86 |
It's Christmas!
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 That I bet he got a good whuppin'
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    I'm the biker babe! | |
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| Sara_Paris | Thu Dec 11, 2008 1:07 pm Post #87 |
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That's Mrs Tom Paris to you
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Bran Muffins The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man. 'This is heaven ,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.' Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.. 'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?' 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.' The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your fuckin' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!' |
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Kol-ut-shan- Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations *****Tea, Earl Grey, Hot!***** The irrationality of a thing is no argument against its existence, rather a condition of it. -Nietzsche All men live enveloped in the whale-lines. All are born with halters round their necks; but it is only when caught in the swift, sudden turn of death, that mortals realize the silent, subtle, ever-present perils of life. -Moby Dick | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Dec 20, 2008 8:02 pm Post #88 |
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So the Pope was visting Los Angeles. And he had some time to kill before his flight because he finished all his planned activities early. So he said he'd like to just tour around and see the city and they rented him a limousine. After a few blocks the Pope knocked on the glass separating the driver's compartment and said he wanted to drive. The driver couldn't really say no to the Pope so he got in the back and the Pope took the wheel. Now, the Pope learned to drive in Italy and drivers in Italy are pretty crazy so he was speeding, taking crazy turns, etc and before long an LA motorcycle cop pulled him over. The cop walked up and the Pope rolled down the window and asked what the problem was. The cop ran back to his bike and called his boss. "Uh, boss, I just pulled over someone really important." "You didn't pull over the mayor, did you?" "Nope, more important than that." "The governor?" "More important than that." "Well, who did you pull over?" "I don't know, but he has the Pope for a driver." |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Dec 20, 2008 8:03 pm Post #89 |
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A husband and wife and sitting around over lunch. The wife asks the husband what he would do if she died. The husband tries to reassure her that she should worry because she's young and healthy. "Humor me," says the wife. "If I died, would you re-marry?" The huband considers this for a few seconds. "Well, since I liked being married so much to you, I guess I might want to find that kind of happiness again. So, yeah, I'd re-marry." Now the wife is intrigued. "Would you still live in this house with your new wife?" "Since the mortgae is paid off and it's a nice house, I guess we'd live here." "But what about the furniture?" asks the wife. "What if she doesn't like the style?" "Well," replies the husband. "It's a new sofa and we just re-decorated the kitchen, so I think I'd have to put down my foot about replacing those." Still, the wife won't let it go. "What about my clothes. What would you do with those?" The husband answers. "I guess, if she liked them and they fit her, I'd let her keep them." Since his wife doens't seem too upset by his answers, the husband is feeling pretty good about himself. The wife has one final question. "What about my golf clubs? Would you let her use those?" "Of course not dear, she's left handed." |
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| AWOLangel | Mon Feb 9, 2009 11:23 pm Post #90 |
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a wife comes in to the living room & asks her husband; "what's on tv?" he said; "dust"......and then the fight started a man ask his wife what she wants for her birthday, she says; "something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds." he buys her a scale......and then the fight started a woman asks her husband to take her somewhere expensive. he takes her to a gas station......and then the fight started |
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| wissaboo | Mon Feb 9, 2009 11:34 pm Post #91 |
 
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| Gummy | Tue Feb 10, 2009 1:41 am Post #92 |
Me in 10 years^^^
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A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts-- something she seemed to love to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?' 'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.' |
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| Gummy | Tue Feb 10, 2009 1:43 am Post #93 |
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Me in 10 years^^^
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An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Offic er: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. |
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| ForgetMeNot | Sun Mar 1, 2009 12:22 am Post #94 |
 
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'Geography' of a Woman AND a Man! GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between birth and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil. Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, very well developed and open to trade, especially for cash. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Italy, lost some wars, won some battles, haunted by past mistakes, but still very strong and proud. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled. After 70, she becomes Tibet. Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love dare visit there. GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran, ruled by a dick. |
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| ForgetMeNot | Sun Mar 1, 2009 12:26 am Post #95 |
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This one is actually a true story. --------------------- TOP THIS FOR A SPEEDING TICKET California Highway Patrol vs USMC Radar can be hazardous to the Police (UNCLASSIFIED) CHP vs. USMC Top this for a speeding ticket Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar, California . One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 3O0 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off. Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A -18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location. Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style: ------------------------------------------------- Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down. Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location. Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position. The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster. Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi. |
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| ForgetMeNot | Sun Mar 1, 2009 12:33 am Post #96 |
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A Strange Joke For Each State in the USA Alaska An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, "Where were you on the night of October to April?" Arizona It's so hot in Arizona, cows are giving evaporated milk and the trees are whistling for dogs. Arkansas An Arkansas state trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver asks, "'Bout what?" California The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI, and the CIA want to see who is best at catching perps. So a rabbit is released into the forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later, dragging a bruised mountain lion behind them. The mountain lion's yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!" Colorado How do you know you're in the presence of a real Coloradan? He carries his $3,000 mountain bike atop his $500 car. Connecticut What's the difference between Massachusetts and Connecticut? The Kennedys don't own Connecticut. Delaware A DuPont chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" "You mean aspirin?" says the pharmacist. "That's it! I can never remember that word." Florida My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law. --Jerry Seinfeld Georgia How do you know you live in Georgia? When all directions start with "Go down Peachtree ..." and include the phrase "When you see the Waffle House ..." Hawaii A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports to the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust every natural resource I have made. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" Idaho Want to join a militia? Idaho's your state. Here are some terms to learn: Commander: Whoever starts the unit. Second in Command: His best friend. Auxiliary Commander: His wife. Captain: New guy. Militia Headquarters: The basement of whoever has the fax machine. Squad: Guys in the ambulance who come out when a militia member accidentally shoots himself during training. Illinois This is how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough." --Richard Jeni Indiana Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free . Iowa What do they call 100 John Deere's circling a McDonald's in Iowa? Prom night. Kansas What do a jackknifed semi in Ohio, a guy getting a divorce in Alabama, and a tornado in Kansas have in common? They're all fixin' to lose a trailer. Kentucky How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it'd been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush. Louisiana What differentiates a zoo in Louisiana from other zoos? The Louisiana zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. Maine After surveying property along the New Hampshire and Maine border, some engineers decided the boundaries needed to be changed. So they stopped to tell a farmer that he was no longer in Maine but in New Hampshire. "Good," said the farmer. "I couldn't take another one of those Maine winters." Maryland An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe walking by. "Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?" "Sure, buddy," says the plebe, rooting around his pocket. "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?" The plebe snaps to attention and barks, "No, sir!" Massachusetts Lewis Black on Boston traffic: "The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling, 'The British are coming! The British are coming!'" Michigan What do you call 40 guys watching the Super Bowl on television? The Detroit Lions. Minnesota What are the four seasons in Minnesota? Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction. Mississippi How do you know when you're staying in a Mississippi hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead." Missouri A man from Kansas City walks into a bar and asks, "Wanna hear a joke about people from St. Louis?" The bartender says, "Listen, pal, I'm from St. Louis, and I won't appreciate it. The man sitting next to you is 265 pounds, and he's from St. Louis too. And the bouncer, that huge guy there, is also from St. Louis. So do you still want to tell that joke?" "No," says the guy from Kansas City. "Not if I have to explain it three times." Montana Four women are driving across the country together, each one from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Montana, and California. Shortly after the trip begins, the woman from Idaho pulls potatoes from her bag and throws them out the window. "What are you doing?" asks the Nebraskan. "We have so many of these things in Idaho, I'm sick of looking at them." A moment later, the gal from Nebraska pulls ears of corn from her bag and tosses them from the window. "What are you doing?" asks the gal from Montana. "We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I'm sick of looking at them." Inspired, the Montanan opens the car door and kicks the Californian out. Nebraska Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada Las Vegas: All the amenities of modern society in a habitat unfit to grow a tomato. --Jason Love New Hampshire The state motto is "Live Free or Die," which appears on license plates made by prisoners. --Jon Stewart on The Daily Show New Jersey As you know, the bear hunting season in New Jersey is a little bit different. First they shoot the bear and then they bury it in a construction site. --Late Show with David Letterman (CBS) New Mexico Traveling outside Taos, a man comes upon a Native American lying in the middle of the road with his ear pressed against the blacktop. "What are you doing?" asks the man. The tribesman replies, "Woman, late 30s, three kids, one barking dog in late model, four-door station wagon, traveling at 65 mph." "Amazing! You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?" "No," says the Native American. "They ran over me five minutes ago." New York I moved to New York City for my health. I'm paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified. --Anita Weiss North Carolina On his first trip to Boston, the North Carolinian met a girl at a bar and asked her, "Do you go to Harvard?" The girl responded, "Yale." "Okay. DO YOU GO TO HARVARD?!" North Dakota What's a seven-course meal in North Dakota? A hamburger and a six-pack. Ohio How do you know you're from Ohio? You own only three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oklahoma How can you tell if an Oklahoman is married? There's dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck. Oregon Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses him aside. Curious, Howard asks Satan, "Excuse me, but why are you tossing them aside instead of flinging them into hell with the others?" "They're from Oregon," Satan replies. "They're too wet to burn." Pennsylvania What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth? A mechanic. Rhode Island Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island Rhode Island: Size ain't everything Rhode Island: Nobody famous came from Rhode Island South Carolina While fishing off Myrtle Beach, a Yankee tourist capsized his boat. Petrified, he yelled to an old guy standing on the shore, "Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward shore. Halfway there, he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do anything," the old guy said. "The sharks got 'em." South Dakota A tough old Badlands rancher once told his grandson that the secret to long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren ... and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium. Tennessee Do you know what you get when you play a country tune backward? You get your job back, your house back, your wife back, your dog back … Texas Kinky Friedman, entertainer and former Texas gubernatorial candidate, explains how to speak Texanese: "Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive." Utah An elderly Mormon visits his doctor and asks if he'll live to be a hundred. "Do you smoke or drink?" asks the doctor. "Those things have never and will never touch my lips," says the man. "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" "Nope, don't believe in doing any of that, either." "Well then," says the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?" Vermont What did the guy from Burlington say to the Pillsbury Doughboy? "Hey, nice tan." Virginia Strange Richmond Virgina Law: It is illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for a coffee. Washington In Seattle you haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running. --Jeff Bezos West Virginia What is the West Virginia state flower? The satellite dish. Wisconsin Sven notices his neighbor has a sign in his yard-"Boat for Sale." "Ole," he says, "you don't own a boat. All you got is your old tractor and your combine." "Yup," said Ole. "And they're boat for sale." Wyoming Why are cowboys' hats turned up on the sides? So that three people can fit in the pickup. |
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| Alisium | Sun Mar 1, 2009 3:56 am Post #97 |
Womb-Raider
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How do you get a girl from West Virginia pregnant? Cum on her foot and let the flies do the rest. |
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| alittleham | Sun Mar 1, 2009 6:42 am Post #98 |
 
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Those are funny, FMN. And the Florida one is so true.  We have the largest population of old people... It makes driving down 1 lane roads a bitch (I've passed on 1 lane roads more in the past 2 weeks...) and it sucks for education. They're all voting on retirement things and that's why Florida is BOTTOM of the list of all states in school funding. And why our little obese children will not have physical education next year.
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"Don't do anything I wouldn't do. And if you do, take pictures." -Al Calavicci, Quantum Leap :alittleham: | |
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| boots73521 | Sun Mar 1, 2009 12:16 pm Post #99 |
 
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An old woman pays a visit to her dentist one day. She sits down in the chair and immediately pulls up her dress. "I am not a GYN " madam". To which she replies " I know. I just need you to remove my husbands dentures". |
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| Purplelizard2006 | Sun Mar 1, 2009 12:46 pm Post #100 |
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It's Christmas!
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at the last joke. Just hilarious!
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I'm the biker babe! | |
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