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More jokes!; They are hilarious!
Tweet Topic Started: Fri May 9, 2008 10:41 am (2,189 Views)
Purplelizard2006	Fri Jun 20, 2008 1:56 pm Post #41
It's Christmas! Posts: 10,969 Group: TNG 10000 post spammer Member #53 Joined: June 17, 2006
	I'm the biker babe!


AWOLangel	Wed Jul 9, 2008 5:23 pm Post #42
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	While going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, 'Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?' The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The president said, 'Moses!' in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president. The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, 'Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?' The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed. 'Well,' said the president,''every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!' Again, the president yelled, 'Moses!' and again the man ignored him. The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, 'You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?' The man leaned over and whispered back, 'Shhhh... yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil.



Purplelizard2006	Tue Jul 29, 2008 9:32 am Post #43
It's Christmas! Posts: 10,969 Group: TNG 10000 post spammer Member #53 Joined: June 17, 2006	The Blonde Horseback Rider One day a blonde was horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started going too fast and bouncing out of control. The blonde tried with all her might to hang on, but soon was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse would not stop or even slow down. Just as the blonde was about to give up hope and was losing consciousness... The K-Mart manager came out and unplugged the horse.
	I'm the biker babe!


Purplelizard2006	Tue Jul 29, 2008 9:34 am Post #44
It's Christmas! Posts: 10,969 Group: TNG 10000 post spammer Member #53 Joined: June 17, 2006	Never choke in a restaurant in the South Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!' If you don't send this to five friends, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world!!
	I'm the biker babe!


AWOLangel	Tue Jul 29, 2008 4:58 pm Post #45
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	on jay leno's show last week the did a "pass the mike" thing at some festival in montreal where people could do jokes or whatever. these two are all i remember; joke #1: Q; why do canadians to it doggie style? A; so they can both watch the hockey game (my apologies to the canadians) joke #2: an egg and a chicken are in bed together. the chicken turns to the egg & says; "well i guess that answers the old question." (think about it)
	All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln


AWOLangel	Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:07 pm Post #46
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	Genealogy Simplified A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.' Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the Human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?' The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'



wissaboo	Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:46 pm Post #47
Posts: 25,676 Group: Admin Member #1 Joined: November 16, 2005	AWOLangel Aug 12 2008, 10:07 PM Genealogy Simplified A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.' Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the Human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?' The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'



Purplelizard2006	Wed Aug 13, 2008 9:19 am Post #48
It's Christmas! Posts: 10,969 Group: TNG 10000 post spammer Member #53 Joined: June 17, 2006
	I'm the biker babe!


AWOLangel	Sun Aug 24, 2008 7:32 pm Post #49
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	Hydrogen atom walks into a bar and says, "I think I just lost an electron." Bartender says, "Are you sure?" The atom says, "I'm positive."



AWOLangel	Sun Aug 24, 2008 7:33 pm Post #50
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied �I don't know, it all happened so fast.�



AWOLangel	Sun Aug 24, 2008 7:34 pm Post #51
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, �Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.� The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: �There are only nine words here. You could send another �Woof� for the same price.� �But,� the dog replied, �that would make no sense at all.�



AWOLangel	Sun Aug 24, 2008 7:35 pm Post #52
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	bad blond joke bad blonde joke A blonde walks into a beauty salon and asked to have her hair cut. She is wearing headphones. The stylist asks her to remove her headphones so she can cut the blonde's hair. "No no no! You can cut around them." So the blonde gets her hair cut and bounces out of the shop. About 4 weeks later the blonde returns for a trim. Again the stylist asks her to remove her headphones. "No no no! You can cut around them." As the stylist gets ready to cut the blonde's hair, the blonde promptly falls asleep. "ah ha!" the stylist says to herself and gently removes the headphones. The blonde dies. Shocked, the stylist then listens to what is playing on the headphones. "Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out"



AWOLangel	Sun Aug 24, 2008 7:36 pm Post #53
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	A couple are celebrating their 40th anniversary with a weekend getaway. They have a wonderful night on the town, a beautiful dinner, and then make their way back to their hotel room. The wife looks passionately at her husband of 40 years and with a glint in her eye says, "I've got an idea," as she drags him into the room and says, "I want you to ravish me like you did on our wedding night. I want you to wear me out. I want you to suck on my chest like when we were teenagers." The man looks at his wife as she seductively removes her clothes and then pauses, looking upset. The wife, curious as to her husband's mood, asks, "what's wrong?" The husband responds, "well, it looks like I did a damn fine job previously, but there's nothing left to ravish. Your chest has been deflated."



AWOLangel	Sun Aug 24, 2008 7:37 pm Post #54
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Obi-Wan is deftly manipulating his chopsticks with the ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chop-sticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke."



ForgetMeNot	Sun Aug 24, 2008 7:38 pm Post #55
Posts: 8,777 Group: Romulan 5000 Member #9 Joined: November 17, 2005	AWOLangel Aug 24 2008, 09:37 PM Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Obi-Wan is deftly manipulating his chopsticks with the ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chop-sticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke."



AWOLangel	Sun Aug 24, 2008 7:38 pm Post #56
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE!! Just ONE! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the lightbulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find and change the lightbulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID lightbulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THAT THE STUPID $#@!*^&% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...



Purplelizard2006	Sun Aug 24, 2008 8:12 pm Post #57
It's Christmas! Posts: 10,969 Group: TNG 10000 post spammer Member #53 Joined: June 17, 2006	AWOLangel Aug 24 2008, 09:36 PM A couple are celebrating their 40th anniversary with a weekend getaway. They have a wonderful night on the town, a beautiful dinner, and then make their way back to their hotel room. The wife looks passionately at her husband of 40 years and with a glint in her eye says, "I've got an idea," as she drags him into the room and says, "I want you to ravish me like you did on our wedding night. I want you to wear me out. I want you to suck on my chest like when we were teenagers." The man looks at his wife as she seductively removes her clothes and then pauses, looking upset. The wife, curious as to her husband's mood, asks, "what's wrong?" The husband responds, "well, it looks like I did a damn fine job previously, but there's nothing left to ravish. Your chest has been deflated."
	I'm the biker babe!


magentastorm	Mon Aug 25, 2008 1:21 am Post #58
Randomer than you since 1992 Posts: 5,089 Group: Ships 5000 Post Member #3,684 Joined: July 28, 2008	AWOLangel Aug 24 2008, 06:38 PM How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE!! Just ONE! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the lightbulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find and change the lightbulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID lightbulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THAT THE STUPID $#@!*^&% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... LMAO right now!



Sara_Paris	Mon Aug 25, 2008 11:18 am Post #59
That's Mrs Tom Paris to you Posts: 5,537 Group: VOY 5000 post angel Member #1,867 Joined: January 31, 2008	AWOLangel Aug 24 2008, 06:37 PM Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Obi-Wan is deftly manipulating his chopsticks with the ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chop-sticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke." Thats great Quote: Hydrogen atom walks into a bar and says, "I think I just lost an electron." Bartender says, "Are you sure?" The atom says, "I'm positive." I like this one too
	Kol-ut-shan- Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations ***Tea, Earl Grey, Hot!*** The irrationality of a thing is no argument against its existence, rather a condition of it. -Nietzsche All men live enveloped in the whale-lines. All are born with halters round their necks; but it is only when caught in the swift, sudden turn of death, that mortals realize the silent, subtle, ever-present perils of life. -Moby Dick


wissaboo	Mon Aug 25, 2008 2:01 pm Post #60
Posts: 25,676 Group: Admin Member #1 Joined: November 16, 2005	magentastorm Aug 25 2008, 01:21 AM AWOLangel Aug 24 2008, 06:38 PM How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE!! Just ONE! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the lightbulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find and change the lightbulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID lightbulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THAT THE STUPID $#@!*^&% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... LMAO right now! that would be funny if it weren't so true. no word of a lie once my brother in law and my husband were both living here. There were 6 bags of garbage sitting in the kitchen. Someone said "are you ever going to take your garbage out?" I said "I"m six months pregnant with a broken arm. I'm not going to take it out. And since they are adults and know I am six months pregnant with a broken arm I'm not asking them to either" it sat there a while and just last week the light was burnt out in the kitchen. My son flicked the light a couple times and said "MOM the cable it out!"



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