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| More jokes!; They are hilarious! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Fri May 9, 2008 10:41 am (2,183 Views) | |
| Purplelizard2006 | Fri May 9, 2008 10:41 am Post #1 |
It's Christmas!
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Good Idea gone bad Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know, we couldmake a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico." Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everythingthey'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance? etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they areconstructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and morepeople gather to watch them work. They both went to the top of the towerwhen they had finished, and saw that there was such a crowd they thought itwould be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe noticesthat he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catchhim, and he falls again, bounces again and comes back up again. This time heis bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messedup. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily Joecatches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was thecrowd... WHAT IN THE WORLD IS A PINATA?" |
    I'm the biker babe! | |
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| Purplelizard2006 | Fri May 9, 2008 10:47 am Post #2 |
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It's Christmas!
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Lie Detector John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was arobot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returnedhome from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knockinghim completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where youreally were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." Said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy andonce again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. * With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." * "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack thatnearly knocked him out of his chair. * Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did youever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he isyour son!" With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.* |
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I'm the biker babe! | |
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| wissaboo | Fri May 9, 2008 11:16 am Post #3 |
 
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  @ the second one.
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| Purplelizard2006 | Fri May 9, 2008 11:25 am Post #4 |
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It's Christmas!
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If I get more, I will be sure to post them. 
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I'm the biker babe! | |
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| Lus | Fri May 9, 2008 11:53 am Post #5 |
Sherlock... I mean... KHANNNNNNN
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 It's a Star Trek Miracle! | |
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| ForgetMeNot | Sat May 10, 2008 9:52 pm Post #6 |
 
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That second one is great. 
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| Purplelizard2006 | Tue May 13, 2008 7:26 am Post #7 |
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It's Christmas!
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Tight Skirt In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this the Texan drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends." |
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I'm the biker babe! | |
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| wissaboo | Tue May 13, 2008 7:32 am Post #8 |
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| Purplelizard2006 | Tue May 13, 2008 7:34 am Post #9 |
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It's Christmas!
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 Sad news to report Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it. |
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I'm the biker babe! | |
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| Sid | Tue May 13, 2008 11:07 am Post #10 |
1000 post angel
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Great jokes!
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| Heather | Tue May 13, 2008 11:29 am Post #11 |
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| Lus | Tue May 13, 2008 11:43 am Post #12 |
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Sherlock... I mean... KHANNNNNNN
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It's a Star Trek Miracle! | |
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| Purplelizard2006 | Wed May 14, 2008 9:50 am Post #13 |
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It's Christmas!
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Why I fired my Secretary... Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day ou tside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.' After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked |
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I'm the biker babe! | |
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| wissaboo | Wed May 14, 2008 9:53 am Post #14 |
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| Purplelizard2006 | Wed May 14, 2008 10:02 am Post #15 |
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It's Christmas!
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I knew you like that!
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I'm the biker babe! | |
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| ForgetMeNot | Wed May 14, 2008 8:12 pm Post #16 |
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| Pengelou | Fri May 16, 2008 4:21 am Post #17 |
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A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?" "Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says. "Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes." |
| If Size Doesn't matter why don't they usually have three inch dildos??? | |
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| ForgetMeNot | Fri May 16, 2008 7:20 am Post #18 |
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| Purplelizard2006 | Fri May 16, 2008 9:56 am Post #19 |
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It's Christmas!
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That ought to make the doctor think twice at what he is doing.
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I'm the biker babe! | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri May 16, 2008 6:00 pm Post #20 |
 
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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong. |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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