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| Tweet Topic Started: Thu Sep 27, 2007 7:29 am (69,030 Views) | |
| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 3:30 pm Post #19901 |
 
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While We’re At It, Here’s A Check For A Gazillion Bucks Pizza | Indiana, USA (My pizza place recently stopped accepting checks, due to a large number of returned checks. We have a large sign in the lobby, and a smaller sign at the register.) Customer: “What?! I can’t write a check?” Me: “I’m sorry, we no longer accept checks. We simply get too many returned for insufficient funds.” Customer: ”But I was going to write a check…” Me: ”We accept credit cards, or you can use your debit card for that checking account.” Customer: ”I can’t use my debit card! I don’t have enough money in my account!” (And THAT is why we no longer take checks!) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 3:30 pm Post #19902 |
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Like A Spin Cycle, Round And Round Tech Support | Nottingham, UK Me: “Hello, welcome to PC support. How may I help?” Customer: “Hello, I just bought this washing machine.” Me: “Alright. You’ll have to call customer service. This is PC support. Call back on the same number you just dialed, select 2 in the first menu and then 3 in the second menu to get to customer service.” Customer: “Okay, transfer me to customer service.” Me: “I’m sorry, I’m not able to do that. You will have to call back on the same number and select 2 in the first menu, 3 in the second.” Customer: “Can you give me the number to customer service?” Me: “It’s the same number you just called. Press 2 and then 3 in the menus.” Customer: “What happens if I press 2 now?” Me: “Well, I will get a beep in my ear and I dont like that. Please hang up and call back on the same number before pressing any keys.” Customer: “Hrmf!” *hangs up* (20 seconds later…) Me: “Hello, welcome to PC support. How may I help?” Customer: “Hello, I just bought this washing machine.” Me: *sigh* |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 3:31 pm Post #19903 |
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How About Our Boogers, Lint And Toejam Sandwich Restaurant | Fayetteville, TN, USA Customer: “I want to know why you made his sandwich before you finished making mine.” Worker: “… because yours wasn’t finished heating up yet.” Customer: “I didn’t want a hot sandwich.” Worker: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Company rules say we’re required to heat the bacon for a BLT.” Customer: “I didn’t ASK for bacon!” Worker: “You ordered a BLT…” Customer: “I know. I didn’t want bacon!” Worker: “BLTs have bacon on them, ma’am.” Customer: “No they don’t!” Worker: “Perhaps you wanted the BMT instead?” Customer: “NO! I ASKED FOR A BLT AND THAT’S WHAT I WANT.” Worker: “That has bacon on it.” Customer: “A BLT DOES NOT COME WITH BACON!” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 3:48 pm Post #19904 |
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Think Unpoopy Thoughts Home Improvement/Hardware Store | Cleveland, OH, USA Me: “Hi, can I help you?” Customer: “We’re looking at the toilets. What does the ‘flush rating’ on the box mean?” Me: “That indicates the amount of flush power.” Customer: “But what is it measuring?” Me: “It’s just a general rating to give you an idea of the power of the flush on this model.” Customer: “And the picture of the basket of golf balls on the box?” Me: “This is just an illustration claiming this toilet can flush a full bucket of golf balls without clogging.” Customer: “I worked in an old building once, and whenever I would use the toilet there it would clog up.” (I smile blandly and pray she doesn’t continue.) Customer: “Maybe the golf ball toilet would be good then. I mean, if it can handle a whole basket of balls… right? (My smile wanes, and I hope she doesn’t start describing shape, color, consistency.) Customer: “Well, food for thought I guess. Oh, dear, I shouldn’t say ‘food’ when it comes to toilets!” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 3:49 pm Post #19905 |
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Red + Blue = Purple (Bruises) Fast Food | Central Illinois, USA (It’s a slow night at our fast food/sandwich shop, so we’re chatting with the customers. This particular customer is a regular, and is discussing birthday presents with my coworker.) Customer: “Yeah, I got my kids guns for their birthdays!” Coworker: “How old are they?!” Customer: “In their 20s.” Coworker, shocked: “But guns kill people!” Customer: “Well, they may need to protect themselves someday, you know.” Coworker: “From what? Wild animals?” Customer: “No, from Democrats!” (My coworker gets very offended, and a rather loud debate ensues between them as I try helplessly to control my laughter.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 3:49 pm Post #19906 |
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Not Dyed Dark Enough, Apparently Contractor | Yukon, Canada (My father does all sorts of contracting work from plumbing to construction. This is a phone call he had with a customer whose home he’s worked at before.) Customer: “I went to take a shower and there’s no hot water in the bathroom. I want you to come over and fix it.” Him: “No hot water? Is there any water coming from the faucet at all?” Customer: “Well, I turned it a little bit and no water came out!” Him: “Okay. Go into the kitchen, and turn on the tap in the sink there. Tell me if you get any water. ” Customer: *long pause* “… okay, I get water on this tap.” Him: “Is it running hot?” Customer: “Yes, it is.” Him: “Well, the hot water is all on the same line, so the kitchen sink and the shower should have hot water. Are you sure you turned the tap on far enough?” Customer: “Now listen here! I may be blond but I dye my hair! I have dark roots, you know! I’d know whether or not I turned on the tap far enough, and I know I did!” (She hangs up, and a few minutes pass. The phone rings again.) Him: “Hello?” Customer: “The hot water’s working in the shower now. I just didn’t turn on the tap for long enough…” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 3:50 pm Post #19907 |
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Red + Blue = Purple (Bruises) Fast Food | Central Illinois, USA (It’s a slow night at our fast food/sandwich shop, so we’re chatting with the customers. This particular customer is a regular, and is discussing birthday presents with my coworker.) Customer: “Yeah, I got my kids guns for their birthdays!” Coworker: “How old are they?!” Customer: “In their 20s.” Coworker, shocked: “But guns kill people!” Customer: “Well, they may need to protect themselves someday, you know.” Coworker: “From what? Wild animals?” Customer: “No, from Democrats!” (My coworker gets very offended, and a rather loud debate ensues between them as I try helplessly to control my laughter.) 1 Thumbs Up (1,087 Thumbs Up!) Email | Print | Digg | Stumble Not Dyed Dark Enough, Apparently Contractor | Yukon, Canada (My father does all sorts of contracting work from plumbing to construction. This is a phone call he had with a customer whose home he’s worked at before.) Customer: “I went to take a shower and there’s no hot water in the bathroom. I want you to come over and fix it.” Him: “No hot water? Is there any water coming from the faucet at all?” Customer: “Well, I turned it a little bit and no water came out!” Him: “Okay. Go into the kitchen, and turn on the tap in the sink there. Tell me if you get any water. ” Customer: *long pause* “… okay, I get water on this tap.” Him: “Is it running hot?” Customer: “Yes, it is.” Him: “Well, the hot water is all on the same line, so the kitchen sink and the shower should have hot water. Are you sure you turned the tap on far enough?” Customer: “Now listen here! I may be blond but I dye my hair! I have dark roots, you know! I’d know whether or not I turned on the tap far enough, and I know I did!” (She hangs up, and a few minutes pass. The phone rings again.) Him: “Hello?” Customer: “The hot water’s working in the shower now. I just didn’t turn on the tap for long enough…” 1 Thumbs Up (618 Thumbs Up!) Email | Print | Digg | Stumble Don’t Press Your Luck Fast Food | Lowell, MA, USA Me: “Welcome to ***, may I take your order?” Drive-thru customer: “Yeah, I’ll take the double cheeseburger.” Me: “Okay, would you like to make it a value meal?” Drive-thru customer: *screaming* “DON’T INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE! IF I WANTED A VALUE MEAL, I WOULD HAVE SAID VALUE MEAL!” Me: “Fine, that will be $1.87 at window two.” (He drives up, I take his money and hand him the food.) Drive-thru customer: “I’m gonna need ketchup for the fries.” Me: “Sir, you only ordered the sandwich, not the value meal. I can ring up an order of fries now if you’d like.” Drive-thru customer: “No, you screwed up my order! I’m NOT paying for extra fries!” (Fed up, I throw some fries in a bag and hand them to him.) Customer: “Wait, is it too late to substitute onion rings??” Me: *slams window shut* |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 3:52 pm Post #19908 |
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He Obviously Gets His Smarts From Mom Restaurant | New Lenox, IL, USA Little Boy: “Can I have a medium Icee?” Me: “Sure! That’ll be $1.48.” (The little boy hands me $1.50 and I give him his change. He scampers off to get his Icee as his dad stomps up.) Dad: “Can I get another medium Icee for my daughter?” Me: “Sure, It’s $1.48.” (The dad pays and I give him his cup. By this time the boy is back, happily drinking his Icee and standing next to his dad.) Dad: (rudely) “WELL?! Where’s my Icee!?” Me: (confused) “Uh, the cup is right there, sir.” (The little boy is trying to get his dad’s attention to tell him where the Icee machine is located (it’s self serve). However, the dad is ignoring him and yelling at me.) Dad: “I PAID FOR AN ICEE, NOW WHERE IS MY ICEE!?” Me: “Sir, the machine is around the corner.” Dad: “Finally! God, are you retarded or something?!” Me: “!?” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 3:53 pm Post #19909 |
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How About Your Husband Buy You A Brain Film Processing Lab | Bay Area, California Woman: “Your f***ing machine won’t accept my memory card from my camera!” Me: “That’s very strange ma’am, as our machines accept all of the memory cards that I’ve ever heard of.” Woman: “Well, your machines are obviously old! My husband bought me an EXPENSIVE camera, because I only like the best! You people need to get better machines! My memory card won’t even FIT in any of the slots!” Me: “May I see your memory card? Maybe I can figure out what’s wrong.” (Woman hands me her memory card huffily.) Me: “Um… ma’am, I don’t know how to tell you this, but this is your camera battery.” Woman: “…” (She snatches her battery out of my hands and storms out of the store.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 3:53 pm Post #19910 |
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On The Plus Side, You Can Cuss All You Want Restaurant | Grand Rapids, MI, USA Me: “Can I start you off with something to drink?” Half-deaf customer: “I’D LIKE THE FISH!” Me: “I’m sorry sir, can I get you something to drink?” Half-deaf customer: “HE’LL TAKE THE STEAK!” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 3:54 pm Post #19911 |
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Armageddon Shopping List: Holy Water, Crucifix, Tic Tac Supermarket | Boston, MA, USA (I was working at the express lane one Sunday morning, and this family comes in. Keep in mind that they look like something straight out of the Beverly Hillbillies. So they purchase a few things, and their total comes up to $6.66.) Customer: *looks at total in horror and points to son* “Quick, get some candy, gum, anything!” (His son then proceeds to throw a box of Tic Tacs at me.) Customer: “I will not have the Devil’s number as my total!” Me: “Thank you sir, have a nice day!” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 3:54 pm Post #19912 |
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Hulk Smash Weasel Customer Restaurant | Northville, MI, USA Me: “Thank you for calling ******, my name is Ken. How may I help you today?” Customer: “Do you guys make custom deep dish pizza’s?” Me: “If by ‘custom’ you mean like a chef’s choice, then yes, we do.” Customer: “And how much is that?” Me: “Well, a regular sized deep dish, with tax included, will come to $18.01. With that, you get a choice of three toppings.” Customer: “Great, then gimme a pizza with half pepperoni, sausage, and mushrooms. On the other half I want roasted veggies, bacon, and spinach. Me: “Okay sir, now I must warn you that your new total comes to $24.37 because you have six items total.” Customer: “What? No, I have three items on each side. Therefore, I should be fine.” Me: “Sir, I do apologize for the misunderstanding. While it is true that you have three items on each side, the items are on ONE whole pizza. So, we have to charge you for the three extra toppings.” Customer: “Now listen here! One regular deep dish is equal to two individuals, correct?” Me: “Yes, but–” Customer: “HEY, Shut up for a second! Now, two individuals are equal to one regular. CORRECT?” Me: “Yes sir, it is.” Customer: “Now using this logic, I should get my pizza for the price of two individuals.” Me: “Sir, as much as I would like to agree with you, I simply can’t–” Customer: “Let me see your manager. It’s obvious I can’t reason with you.” (My manager comes up to deal with the situation. I walk away from the scene to seat some guests, when I hear…) Manager: “HEY, 3+3=6, YOU HAVE 6 TOPPINGS, SO YOU OWE $24.37! HAVE A NICE DAY!” (The guy quietly paid for his food and walked out like someone just threatened his life!) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 3:55 pm Post #19913 |
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Why It Pays To Listen Bed Accessory Store | Jyväskylä, Finland (A customer reserved an expensive feather blanket a week before, and it was on sale when he came to pick it up.) Customer: “This blanket is on sale!” *waves his reserve slip* Me: “Yes it is, sir.” Customer: “I’m not taking it, since I have to pay double the price!” Me: “You automatically get the discount even though your reservation slip says the price is higher.” Customer: “I’m not paying the full price for this blanket!” Me: “Sir, you don’t have to. You get the discount.” Customer: “Are you a f***ing idiot? I’m not paying the full price! It’s on sale, and I’m only paying the sale price!” Me, trying not to laugh: “Sir, I’ve been trying to tell you that our system will automatically sell it for the sale price.” Customer: “You don’t get it! Let me speak to your manager!” (I call the manager, and after about 5 minutes of this, he and I finally got the customer to believe he was getting his blanket for the sale price. We laughed a good ten minutes after the guy had left.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 3:56 pm Post #19914 |
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I Sense A Schism Bookstore | Gulfport, MS, USA (I work for a bookstore that sells bibles. We get a lot of interesting customers that call…) Me: “***, how may I help you?” Customer: “Do you have the book of Chronicles?” Me: “Do you want a commentary for it?” Customer: “No. You know, the book of Chronicles that they talk about in the bible. Do you have that?” Me: “…” Customer: “Have you ever read a bible?” Me: “Yes, I have…” Customer: “Well, I’m looking for the book of Chronicles.” Me: “Let me search our computer system and see if I can find something.” *I pretend to search the computer* “The only thing I can find is the actual books in the bible called first and second Chronicles.” Customer: “Do y’all have that in the store? Where’s it at?” (I pull a bible off the shelf and tell him the exact location of the books.) Customer: “I’ve never seen that in any of my bibles.” Me: “Sir, these two books have been in here for over 2,000 years.” Customer: “Not in any bible I’ve read!” (After the customer finally hung up, I asked my manager to shoot me.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 3:56 pm Post #19915 |
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Because “Free” Is One Letter Away From “Fee” Tech Support | Virginia, USA Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. May I help you?” Customer: “How do you fix Debian?” Me: “Depends on what the problem is. What are some of the issues you’re having?” Customer: “I paid $700 for it! It should work PERFECTLY!” Me: “Ma’am, Debian is free. If you paid $700 for it, all that means is that you’re an idiot.” Customer: “Really?” Me: “Yep. Anything else I can do for you?” Customer: *click* |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 3:57 pm Post #19916 |
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Everyone’s A Wiseguy Electronics Store | St. Joseph, MO, USA (Our store is located in a one-level strip mall.) Customer: “Do you carry lawnmowers?” Customer service rep: “Just one second and let me find out for you…” *parks call* “Hey guys, do we carry lawnmowers?” Salesman 1: “Yeah, they’re down in the basement.” Salesman 2: “No, I saw them back by the overstock shelves.” Salesman 3: “No, I moved them into the attic for storage last week.” Salesman 4: “OOH! I know! They’re four walls down, under a big orange sign that says ‘Home Depot!’” Customer service rep: *picks call back up* “No sir, I’m sorry, but we’re an electronics store.” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 3:57 pm Post #19917 |
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Employee Of The Year Bookstore | Melbourne, Australia Customer: “I’m looking for a book.” Me: “Were you after a particular book?” Customer: “Yeah.” Me: “What was the title?” Customer: “I can’t remember.” Me: “Do you know who the author is?” Customer: “No.” Me: “Do you remember what it’s about?” Customer: “I saw it recently…” Me: “Can you tell me anything at all about it?” Customer: “It had a nondescript cover.” Me: “…” (And I found it!) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 3:58 pm Post #19918 |
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Why The Pope And Dalai Lama Are Unlisted Vicarage | Southampton, UK (It is nearly Christmas, about 11pm. The Vicar has been out all day visiting elderly parishioners and has fallen asleep in front of the television. The phone rings.) Me: “Hello. St. ***’s Vicarage. Can I help you?” Man: “I need to speak to the Vicar.” Me: “I am afraid he is unavailable at the moment. Can I take a message?” Man: “Can’t you contact him? This is really urgent.” Me: “I am afraid I can only disturb him in an emergency. What is the problem. I am a Reader (lay minister). Perhaps I can help?” Man: “I have this really deep theological question. I’m sure only the Vicar can answer it.” Me: “I do have a degree in theology, sir. I’m sure I can help.” Man: “When is the Twelfth Day of Christmas?” Me: “??” Man: “Are you there? I told you, only the Vicar would know.” Me: “It’s the 5th of January. The day before Epiphany.” Man: “Are you sure?” Me: “Definitely. Why do you need to know?” Man: “Me and my mates are doing a pub quiz. It’s the one question we couldn’t answer. Thanks. Bye!” Me: “…” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 3:58 pm Post #19919 |
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Make Coffee, Not War Coffee Shop | Northern Virginia, USA (I work at a coffee shop that is NOT a certain well-known coffee empire. Our company name is clearly displayed out front, on the menu, on the register, on our aprons and we generally don’t look a thing like the other company.) Customer: “I’d like a medium mocha.” Me: “Okay, that’ll be $3.26.” (The customer pays, and comes to the end of the bar to pick up her drink.) Customer: “Wait a second. This isn’t Starbucks.” Coworker: “Nope, we’re *** Coffee.” Customer: “Well, never mind. I wanted Starbucks. Give me my money back.” Coworker: “I have your drink ready… give it a taste, and if you still don’t like it, we’d be happy to refund your money. ” Customer: “NO! Just give me my money back! This isn’t Starbucks! I wanted Starbucks!” Me: “Um, okay…” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 4:00 pm Post #19920 |
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What Happens When You Assume Photo Shop | Michigan, USA (I worked at a shop that did passport photos. There was a fifteen minute wait on the pictures, so people normally just left and came back…) Me: “That’ll be ready in fifteen minutes.” Customer: “I’ll come back. Do you need my name?” Me: “No, I don’t need it.” Customer: “You little snot. It’s ’cause there’s a black man in here!” Me: “Sir, I am not racist. ” Customer: “Oh, sure you’re not, you racist snot.” Me: “Sir, I have your picture. That’s why I do not need your name.” (The customer walked out and I never saw him again.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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