 Wanted: New forum members! Do you have the right stuff to be an arch-angel member? Must be:
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| Tweet Topic Started: Thu Sep 27, 2007 7:29 am (69,033 Views) | |
| AWOLangel | Fri Jun 5, 2009 7:44 pm Post #19841 |
 
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The Sun Is Such A Slacker Sometimes Photographer | West Coast, USA (We shot a wedding after dark and in the rain last year. When the happy couple met with me to pick up their photos the conversation went like this…) Bride: “I am so disappointed that there are no beautiful sunset pictures, like on your website.” Me: “I’m sorry about that, but if you remember correctly the weather was terrible, and you got married in the dark.” Bride: “Yeah, but we paid you a lot of money!” Me: “I would charge a lot more money if I could turn back time and change the weather.” Bride: “All of the other weddings we saw on your website have beautiful sunsets!” Me: “We took those photos at sunset, before it got dark, and it wasn’t raining.” Bride: “I’m sick of your slick excuses. You have an answer for everything!” (This conversation went on, round and round like this for an hour. The mom called and we had the exact same conversation!) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri Jun 5, 2009 7:44 pm Post #19842 |
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Life’s Great Mysteries, Volume 1 Grocery Store | Oklahoma, USAOklahoma, USA (I’m working in the meat department as a middle-aged woman in a business suit approaches me.) Customer: “Excuse me, miss?” Me: “Yes, ma’am, how can I help you?” Customer: *dead serious* “What’s the difference between beef and pork?” Me: “Um… one comes from a pig, and one comes from a cow. ” Customer: “Oh, okay! I’ve always wondered that!” (She walks off happily and I never worked with the public again.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri Jun 5, 2009 7:45 pm Post #19843 |
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Warning: Movie May Require Brain Cells Bookstore | Arkansas, USA Customer: “This is a readin’ movie. Do I have to pay fer this? It’s a readin’ movie. Ya’ know, where ya’ have to read it?” Me: “You mean it had subtitles?” Customer: “Yeah! Those! I don’t have to pay for that, do I?” Me: “Well, we really don’t do preferential refunds because it isn’t our obligation to make sure the customer likes the movie. We just make it available.” Customer: “That’s bullcrap!” (He skulks away from my register and hangs around the candy display as the next customer walks up laughing.) Me, to the next customer: “Hello, ma’am. How’re you doing today? Good? That’s great. Before we start here, I’d like to warn you that this magazine you’re about to purchase is a readin’ magazine, and that we don’t give refunds. Sorry.” (The previous disgruntled customer, who obviously heard everything I said, is completely oblivious to the fact that I’m mocking him.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri Jun 5, 2009 7:46 pm Post #19844 |
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Poodle Bites Woman, Claims Insanity Pet Grooming Salon | Seattle, WA, USA (I’m outside walking a small poodle before her bath.) Passing woman, to the poodle: “Oh, what a pretty kitty! Hello, kitty!” Me: “…” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 1:53 pm Post #19845 |
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It’s A Perm, Not A Sperm Retail | California, USA Me: “[Beauty supply store], how can I help you?” Caller: *almost sobbing* “I need help! Do you know about permanent waves?” Me: “Yes, we carry a few different brands. Did you buy one here?” Caller: “No, I had one done by a friend. I don’t know where she bought it. I need to know…is it true that you can get pregnant if you have a perm while you’re on your period?” (At this point I’m hoping it’s a prank call. I try to keep my voice professional.) Me: “No, ma’am. A perm can’t cause that.” Caller: “Are you sure?” Me: “Yes, I am 100% positive having your hair permed can’t make you pregnant.” Caller: “Oh, thank God!” *hangs up* |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 1:54 pm Post #19846 |
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Guardian Of The Tubes And Protector Of The Google Call Center | Columbus, OH, USA Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company], how can I–” Caller: “Yeah, I’ve heard all that already, sir, so I don’t need any more of your crap, okay?!” Me: “Okay sir, what can I do to–” Caller: “Look, buddy, my internet is down, and you need to get it up right now or I’m going to get your a** fired!” Me: “Sir, I want to get this problem resolved for you just as soon as possible, but you need to–” Caller: “I don’t need to do s***! That’s it! I want to speak to your supervisor. No, I want to speak to your supervisor’s supervisor! I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MAYOR OF THE INTERNET!” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 1:54 pm Post #19847 |
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Would You Like A Foot To Go With Your Mouth Coffee Shop | Virginia, USA (Note: I’m a customer and overhear this exchange while waiting in line.) Barista: “Here’s your change… have a nice day.” Customer: “You know, you haven’t smiled once.” Barista: “Sorry.” Customer: “I’m so sick of the attitude of people in the service industry! Is it so hard to give your customers a smile as you’re pouring water through beans? You all are so arrogant, it makes me sick!” Barista: *eyes begin to well up* Customer: “Why aren’t you smiling?!” Barista: “…because my father died last night.” (At this point, you could hear a pin drop. The customer is literally glared out of the shop, forgetting her coffee.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 1:55 pm Post #19848 |
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The Crazies Always Come Out When It’s Overcast 911 | New York, NY, USA Me: “911, what is your emergency?” Caller: “You have to help me! Someone has been following me all day!” Me: “Can you give a description of the person?” Caller: “She’s all black, taller than me, and no face.” Me: “Ma’am…that’s your shadow.” Caller: “A what?” Me: “Ma’am, a shadow is seen as a reflection of yourself when the sun is at a certain angle.” Caller: “Oh my GOD! It’s like a fairy!” Me: “No, it–” Caller: “OH MY GOD, EVERYONE! I HAVE A FAIRY!” Me: “Have a nice day, ma’am.” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 1:55 pm Post #19849 |
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Outlaws In Utero Police | San Francisco, CA, USA Caller: “I want to complain. I was driving in the carpool lane and I got a ticket, but I’m pregnant with twins, so they count as two passengers!” Me: “Um…I don’t think the policeman would have any way of knowing that…” Caller: “But I showed him a picture from my ultrasound!” Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I’m pretty sure passengers have to be outside of your body.” Caller: “Oh!” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 1:56 pm Post #19850 |
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Neither A Fortune Teller Nor A Lender Be Customer Service | Tampa, FL, USA (A card holder called and asked for his balance, payment and other credit card information.) Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with?” Caller: “One more thing. Who’s going to bill me next month?” Me: “I’m sorry?” Caller: “Who’s going to charge my account next month?” Me: “I’m sorry…we don’t have the ability to see the future…” Caller: “Why not? You’re my credit card company. You should know where I’m going to spend my money.” Me: “Um…well, once you figure out where you’re going to go, call us afterwards. We can tell you where you’ve been.” Caller: “See? I told you, you guys know everything!” *click* |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 1:56 pm Post #19851 |
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I Cry, You Cry, We All Cry For Ice Cream Ice Cream Store | Greensboro, NC, USA Coworker: “Hi, welcome to [ice cream store]. Can I take your order?” Customer: “Yes, I’d like coffee ice cream with Heath bar mixed in.” (My coworker mixes the ice cream and then hands it to the customer, a 40-year old woman. She beings to CRY in front of everyone.) Coworker: “Ma’am, is something wrong?” Customer: *sobbing* “My Heath bar isn’t crunched up enough!” Coworker: “I’m so sorry about that, ma’am. I can make you another one.” (The coworker makes another one and pounds the Heath bar into extra fine pieces. He then hands it to the customer.) Coworker: “Is this mixed up enough, ma’am?” Customer: *wailing* “I can’t tell now because it’s mixed into the ice cream!” (The customer pays, storms off, and leaves the store sobbing with ice cream in hand.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 1:57 pm Post #19852 |
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Mommy Sincerest Retail | Annapolis, MD, USA (I’m in a dressing room when I overhear a mother a few rooms down having this conversation with her two children she had brought in with her. She’s adding up aloud how much her items will cost.) Mom: $57…$64…” Child #1: “Uh-oh, mommy! Daddy said your limit was 50 dollars! That is more than 50 dollars!” Child #2: “Yeah, daddy said you can’t spend any more than $50!” Mom: “Well, you know what?! Since daddy gets to go to work everyday and I’m stuck with you two, I can spend however much I want! So you can tell daddy that he can kiss mommy’s fat a**! How about that?!” Child #2: *giggles* “I can’t wait to tell daddy that! You’re so funny, mommy!” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 1:58 pm Post #19853 |
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A Double Edged Flat Screen Electronics Store | Texas, USA Customer: “You have to help me, I don’t know what to do!” Me: “Calm down, ma’am. How can I help you?” Customer: “My husband and I bought a big screen TV last week from this store.” Me: “What’s the problem with it?” Customer: “I want it out of my house! Is there anything you can do?” Me: “Is it not functioning properly?” Customer: “No. It works perfectly, that’s the problem. Every night, our house turns into a sports bar, all his friends come over to watch TV until 3 am and I can’t get any sleep! They eat all the food I cook, they broke my grandmother’s crystal vase and they spilled beer all over the rugs! I want my house back!” Me: “Well, you know ma’am, you could always turn the tables.” Customer: “What?” Me: “You have girlfriends, right?” (The woman’s face displays a grin of diabolical proportions.) Customer: “You have DVDs here, right?” Me: “Just over there…” Customer: “Thank you very much for your help!” (I took my break just after that and saw the woman carrying in her arms at least a dozen DVDs. Among them: the Sex and the City movie, Terms of Endearment, Sweet November, Steel Magnolias, Legally Blonde, Divine Secrets of the Yaya Sisterhood and even Gone with the Wind. Her husbands’ beer buddies never stood a chance.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 1:58 pm Post #19854 |
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Driving Dad To The Edge Call Center | Logan, UT, USA Customer: *on the phone* “I need you to turn my TV back on.” Me: “OK, let me see why it isn’t on.” *checking* “It looks like you are two months behind in your payments to us. I need to collect a payment for two months’ service, as well as $10 in late fees. Which card would you like to put that on?” Customer: “I don’t have the money right now, but I need you to turn on the TV right away! I need the TV for my kids! I’ve been playing with them and reading stories with them, and this has just got to stop! Turn the TV back on right now!” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 1:59 pm Post #19855 |
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As The Price Decreases, So Does Brain Cell Count Call Center | Minneapolis, MN, USA Customer: “I have a coupon here that says 25% off. What does that mean?” Me: “It means you get 25% off.” Customer: “Huh?” Me: “You will get 25% off your total price.” Customer: “I don’t understand. Why does it say that?” Me: “It’s a discount. They’ll give you a cheaper price.” Customer: “Huh? This coupon doesn’t make sense.” Me: “When you give your coupon to the attendant, they’ll take 25% off your ticket price.” Customer: “I don’t have a coupon.” Me: “…” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 1:59 pm Post #19856 |
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Dinner Without A Show Is No Dinner At All Grocery Store | Buffalo, NY, USA (I’m cashing out a customer and bagging his groceries.) Me: “And what’s in your bakery bag, sir?” Customer: “A cantaloupe. I put it in there to get ripe.” Me: “OK…” Customer: “You know what they do in California? They JUGGLE the fruit - the cantaloupes and the mangoes and the apples and such.” Me: “Oh, that must be neat to see–” Customer: “YOU SHOULD DO THAT!” Me: *laughing* “That’d be interesting, but I don’t know how to juggle.” Customer: “You mean to tell me you can’t juggle this fruit?” Me: “I’m afraid not…” Customer: “Then take the cantaloupe off. I don’t want it if you won’t juggle it for me.” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 2:00 pm Post #19857 |
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Buuuurn Retail | Northern California, USA (A man shoves himself to the front of a long line of people.) Me: “Sir, I’m afraid you’re going to have to go to the back of the line.” Him: “NO! I’m the Messiah!” Me: “Wow. The Jews are in for a BIG disappointment.” (He stands there for a second and shuffles to the back of the line. The other customers applaud.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 2:01 pm Post #19858 |
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Water You, Stupid? Airport | Kansas City, MO, USA (While passing through airport security, a passenger’s bag needs to be pulled because the x-ray operator sees an obvious big bottle of water when the limit is 3.4 oz.) Me: “Whose bag is this?” Passenger: “Oh! Oh! Oohhh! It’s mine! Is there something wrong?” Me: “I just need to take a quick look inside, ma’am. This shouldn’t take more than a couple of minutes.” Passenger: “Well, hurry. I think they’re boarding my plane.” (I open her bag and find the bottle almost immediately. She gasps as I pull it out.) Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid you cannot have this beyond this point.” Passenger: “Why not? I just bought it, and it’s unopened!” Me: “Ma’am, the rules clearly state that you cannot have any liquids over 3.4 oz in your carry on. If you’d like to, you could–” Passenger: “But that’s not a liquid!” Me: “Excuse me, ma’am?” Passenger: “It’s not a liquid! It’s water! W-A-T-E-R! You know, H-2-O? For the love of God, don’t they hire anyone with more than a grade school education for security?” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 2:01 pm Post #19859 |
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Trust Me, He’ll Want To Wake Up For This Hotel | California, USA (The fire alarm is going off at our extended-stay hotel. I get a call at the front desk.) Hotel Guest: ”What is that sound?” Me: ”That’s the fire alarm ma’am, please evacuate the building.” Hotel Guest: “Well, can you please turn it off? My son is sleeping.” Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. Only the Fire Department can, once they inspect the building. Please take your son and evacuate the building immediately.” Hotel Guest: ”I can’t do that, he’s sleeping!” Me: *bangs head on the counter* |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Sat Jun 6, 2009 2:02 pm Post #19860 |
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Caught Brown Handed Restaurant | Belgium (In the Chinese restaurant where I work, we have little bottles of soy sauce on every table. They look like they’re tightly closed, but the top actually doesn’t close at all. A lady and her daughter finish dinner and are leaving.) Me: “Excuse me madam, but I’m afraid the soy sauce is restaurant property. You can’t take it.” Mother: “You calling me a thief? I want to speak to the manager! This will cost you your job, you little b****!” Daughter: “Um, mum…” Me: “The manager is not in right now, but if you want the sauce, it’s on sale at the front of the restaurant.” Mother: “You’ve got some nerve! I never even touched your stinking sauce, you c**! Call the manager now!” (Several customers are starting to giggle and the daughter looks like she’s about to die.) Me: “Maybe you have taken the sauce without noticing? Because I’m sure you touched it at some point.” Mother: “You’re sure? I tell you I didn’t touch it! You can’t treat your customers that way! You telling me you’ve been spying on me or something?” Me: “Certainly not. But the huge brown stain on your purse is hard to ignore.” (Her daughter drags her by the arm and they storm out the front door, leaving a sticky trail of soy sauce from the mother’s cloth purse. I laughed so hard I didn’t even mind them stealing the sauce.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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