 Wanted: New forum members! Do you have the right stuff to be an arch-angel member? Must be:
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| Tweet Topic Started: Thu Sep 27, 2007 7:29 am (69,092 Views) | |
| AWOLangel | Fri May 29, 2009 8:52 pm Post #18661 |
 
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Yeah? I'd Love to Dip My Socks in Your Coffee! Guy trying to plug laptop charger into outlet: Mind if I sneak this cord between your legs? Girl near outlet: Sure! That sounds hot! It's the best offer I've gotten all day! (guy blushes profusely) --Think Coffee, Mercer St Overheard by: Carmi |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri May 29, 2009 8:52 pm Post #18662 |
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This Is Something I've Only Dreamed Of! Conductor: Next stop, NYU. 8th Street. Tourist teen girl #1: NYU? Is that New York University? Tourist teen girl #2: Umm, I think so. Tourist teen girl #1: Wow! New York University has their own stop! --N Train |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri May 29, 2009 8:53 pm Post #18663 |
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from notalwaysright.com Just Quit While You’re Ahead, Part 2 Assisted Living Facility | Redwood City, CA, USA Me: “Hi, I haven’t seen you in a while! how are you?” Elderly resident: “Good. You’re getting chubby.” Me: “Really? I’ve been working out every day for about a month now.” Elderly resident: “Oh… maybe your boobs are just getting smaller.” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri May 29, 2009 8:54 pm Post #18664 |
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Just Quit While You’re Ahead Grocery Store | Jacksonville, FL, USA Me: “You find everything okay today, ma’am?” Customer: “Oh my God! What’s wrong with your face? Are you okay?” Me: “What? What are you talking about?” Customer: ”Your jaw! It’s so swollen!” Me: “Um… no, I’m just fine.” Customer: “Oh… your left jaw is just so huge, I thought, maybe… never mind.” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri May 29, 2009 8:55 pm Post #18665 |
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Money, Money Everywhere But Not A Brain To Think Gas Station | Fort Collins, CO, USA Gas station customer: “I want your name!” Me: “What seems to be the problem, sir?” Customer: “There is a huge scratch on the trunk of my Lexus from your f***ing pump hose. I am going to sue this store for damages. I want your f***ing name!” Me: “My name is Larry, sir, just like it says on the name tag. What happened?” Customer: “I pulled up on the other side of the pump, so I had to drag the hose over the trunk to fill up, and the handle scratched my car. I want your full and address. I am suing you for damages.” Me: “Let me get this straight… you pulled up to the wrong side of the pump, and you were too dumb to pull around to the right side, so you dragged a metal headed gas hose over the trunk of your car, scratching the paint yourself, and you think *I* am the one responsible?” Customer: “Yes, g**d***it! Give me your last name and address!” Me: “No chance in h***. That’ll be $17.23 for the gas.” Customer: “F*** you!” (He drives off without paying. We caught the whole thing on interior and exterior video, including the license plate of his poor scratched Lexus. The State Troopers caught him before he made it to the next freeway exit. I quit that job the next day.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri May 29, 2009 8:55 pm Post #18666 |
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The Fairweather Fan Arts and Crafts Store | Parsippany, NJ, USA (In my line are a preteen girl, an older woman behind her, and lastly a middle-aged woman.) Me: “Can I have your zip code, please?” Young girl: “Wait, what?” Me: “We’re just doing a survey.” Middle-aged woman: “Don’t listen to her, honey. You don’t have to give her any information if you don’t want to. They’re just going to use it to help the government to watch you! The government is already in enough things. You shouldn’t give them any more opportunities to watch what you’re doing! I never give my information when sales girls ask for it; that’s my right, and it’s your right to refuse!” Young girl: “Um…” Me: *I punch in my own zip code* “It’s fine, never mind. That’ll be $6.34.” (Next is the older woman…) Older woman: “You can have my zip code. I shop here all the time, and I love getting coupons and fliers in the mail because the company knows people in my town shop here often. In fact, I have a coupon with me today!” Me: “Well, thank you, ma’am!” (The older woman pays and leaves and I ring up the middle-aged woman’s purchases. I punch in my own zip code again for her because I don’t want to hear another speech about the government stalking people via zip code.) Me: “That’ll be $24.56.” Middle-aged woman: “What? I wanted to give you my zip code!” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri May 29, 2009 8:56 pm Post #18667 |
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Thy Laziness Knows No Bounds Restaurant | Canada Me: “**** Restaurant, how can I help you?” Caller: “I’d like to order a delivery.” Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t do deliveries.” Caller: “So, you expect me to come all the way over… to eat your food?!” Me: “Umm… yeah, if you want.” Caller: “Goodbye!” *hangs up* |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri May 29, 2009 8:56 pm Post #18668 |
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Thy Gluttony Knows No Bounds Pet Store | Florida, USA Me: “Hi, did you need any help today?” Customer: “Nope, I’m just looking.” Me: “Alright, just tell me if you need anything.” (The customer stops and looks at the rats.) Customer: “DO PEOPLE EAT THOSE?” Me: “N-no, no they don’t…” Customer: “Oh, okay. Just wondering!” Me: “…” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri May 29, 2009 8:57 pm Post #18669 |
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If It’s So Easy, Do It Yourself Catering | Connecticut, USA (We get a phone call on a Thursday night in December, the busiest season in catering.) Customer: “May I speak to the owner?” Me: “This is the owner. How may I help you?” Customer: “NO, I mean the guy who is the owner.” Me: “That’s my husband. I’m sorry, he is busy at the moment. Is there something I can help you with?” Customer: “I need a catering menu emailed.” Me: “I can certainly do that for you. When is your event?” Customer: ”Saturday.” Me: “This Saturday? Like two days from now?” Customer: ”Yes.” Me: “Well, I apologize but we are completely booked for this Saturday.” Customer: “That’s why I wanted to talk to the other owner. I spoke to him two weeks ago and he said you were not booked.” Me: “We weren’t booked two weeks ago, but we are now.” Customer: “Well, I’ve already sent out the invitations, and I need food for my party.” Me: “I’m sorry, but we are completely booked. We already have three large parties, and we just couldn’t possibly take on a fourth.” Customer: “Can you recommend another caterer?” Me: “Not really. I’ve never used another caterer, so I can’t recommend one.” Customer: “Haven’t you ever been to a party catered by another caterer?” Me: “We’re caterers. We don’t go to parties. We work at other people’s parties. ” Customer: “IT’S ONLY 25 PEOPLE!” Me: “Um… okay.” Customer: “You said you have three parties. Couldn’t you just make enough extra food for 25 people and come over and serve it?” Me: “You mean cater the party?” Customer: “No, just make some food and bring it over and serve it, and clean up afterwards. It’s fairly easy, isn’t it?” (I adore it when people tell me my 16 hour a day job is easy.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri May 29, 2009 8:58 pm Post #18670 |
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Speed Bumps With Name Tags Retail | Ontario, Canada (I’m picking up overstock on the floor, and an elderly lad hits my heel with her shopping cart.) Me: “Ow!” (The elderly lady proceeds to RAM the shopping cart into my foot until she succeeds in rolling over it completely.) Me: “OWW! OWWWWW!” Elderly lady: “Hmmm? Ehhh? Did I bump ya?” Me: “You rammed right over my foot!” Elderly lady: “Well, it shouldn’t be on the floor.” Me: “… I’m going on my break.” (Turns out she bruised a bone in my foot and tore a ligament by ramming into it.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri May 29, 2009 8:58 pm Post #18671 |
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It’s Called Sarcasm Hotel | Richmond, VA, USA Me: “Thank you for calling [hotel], this is [name]. How may I assist you today?” Customer: “What time do you stop room service?” Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t offer room service.” Customer: “What’s up with that?” Me: “We don’t have a kitchen in the hotel.” Customer: “Well, y’all need to get one!” Me: “You’re right. I will start filing for permits and hiring subcontractors and have the kitchen built before you arrive.” Customer: “That’s great, you truly offer excellent customer service!” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri May 29, 2009 9:04 pm Post #18672 |
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All Hail Lord Konica Copy Center | Worcester, MA, USA Customer: “I need to make copies.” Me: “Okay, that copier over there is free, and I just cleared the counter. You’re all set to copy.” Customer: “But I need to use Konica.” Me: “Well, another customer is using that machine right now. The other copier works just as well.” Customer: “I need to use Konica. May I wait to use Konica?” Me: “Uh, sure. Just come to the register when you’re done.” (10 minutes later, the customer using the Konica pays and leaves.) Customer: “The Konica is free now. May I use Konica?” Me: “Uh huh.” (The customer walks over to the Konica, places his palms together, juts his elbows out, and pray-bows in front of the machine while muttering. He then proceeds to make copies, pray-bows again, comes over to the register, pays, and leaves. We’ve since nicknamed him Acid Man.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri May 29, 2009 9:04 pm Post #18673 |
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Don’t Worry, We’ll Have The Giraffes Pull Double Shifts Zoo | Saint Paul, MN, USA Visitor: “Hello, can you tell me how to get to the zoo?” Me: “I’m sorry sir, but the zoo closed at 6 pm today.” Visitor: “But your website says that you’re open 24 hours a day.” Me: “No it doesn’t.” Visitor: “Do you have a computer with you right now to look it up? I even printed out the page that says you’re open 24 hours a day.” Me: “No, I don’t right now, but I’ve looked at it many times before and it doesn’t say that anywhere. Can I see the paper you printed out?” Visitor: “I don’t have it with me, but it said that you’re open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.” Me: “Think about this. No zoo on earth would be open 24 hours a day. What you’re saying doesn’t make any sense! Are you sure you had the right website?” Visitor: “Of course I’m sure! Why would your website lie?” Me: “It doesn’t say that! Look at the door and our brochure right over there. They, along with our website, clearly say that we close at 6 pm. Now, we’re closed so you need to leave and come back when we’re open to see the animals.” Visitor: “But your website says I should be able to see them now! This is ridiculous!” *storms off* (I checked the website later that night and of course, there’s nothing there that even suggests we might be open any later than 6 pm.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri May 29, 2009 9:05 pm Post #18674 |
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This Was Before He Started Lobbing Cantaloupes Supermarket | Canberra, Australia Me: “If I can just get your signature there…” Elderly customer: *scribbles his name, then starts drawing on the counter* Me: “Uh… sir?” Elderly customer: *starts drawing up the side of the cash register* Me: “Sir? You just… sign your name.” Elderly customer: *doodles in the air, up and up… and then jabs me in the forehead with the pen and draws lines on my face* Me: “What the h***?” Elderly customer: “Reactions like that would have gotten you killed in the war!” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri May 29, 2009 9:06 pm Post #18675 |
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Assassination By Whiffle Bat Video Rental | Colorado, USA Customer, to her boyfriend: “Don’t ask him. He’s the one who said he liked that other movie!” Me: “Um, I’m sorry? What movie did I say I liked before to you?” Customer: ”You said that In Bruges was good.” Me: “Um, yeah. I actually really liked that movie. What was wrong with it?” Customer: “It was sad, and there was a lot of blood in it!” Me: “… and?” Customer: “You didn’t tell me there was going to be blood!” Me: “Ma’am, I told you it was a movie about hitmen.” Customer: “So?!” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri May 29, 2009 9:06 pm Post #18676 |
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We All Snap At Some Point Retail | Winona, MN, USA (I work at a store that is open 24/7, and only closed for 36 hours out of the entire year. Around EVERY holiday, there is someone who calls the store wondering if the store is open. This past 4th of July, I decided to have a little fun with it.) Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you?” Customer: “Hi, I was wondering if you guys were open today?” Me: “No, I’m the only one here to answer the phone.” Customer: “Oh. Well, I’m out in the parking lot and there are a lot of cars parked out here.” Me: “Yeah, I like to drive a lot.” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri May 29, 2009 9:07 pm Post #18677 |
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The Lion, The Witch And The Supply Cabinet Coffee Shop | Boston, MA, USA (Note: The women’s bathroom in our store has a large handicapped stall which also holds an 8 foot tall locked wooden storage cabinet for supplies. ) Coworker: “Thanks for calling *** Coffee, how can I help you?” Customer: “Hi, is this *** Coffee?” Coworker: “Yes it is, how can I help you?” Customer: “This is the *** Coffee in *** Square?” Coworker: “Yes, it is.” Customer: “The one with the bathroom?” Coworker: “Uhhh… yes?” Customer: “Oh, well, I’m calling from the women’s room. The door is locked and I cant get out.” Coworker: “Well, if you turn the handle of the door and pull it should open.” Customer: “There is no handle! I’m locked in!” Coworker: “Okay, I’ll have someone over in a moment.” Coworker, to me: “Ummm… so some lady locked herself in the bathroom and can’t get out.” Me: “Seriously?” (I head over to the bathroom, letting myself in with the spare keys. There is in fact a woman in the large stall, yelling for help.) Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?” Customer: “Well, your stupid door locked me into the stall and now I’m stuck in here! ” (I can hear her fumbling with something, but it isn’t the stall door latch.) Me: “Okay, well if you’ll just come over to the stall door, turning the knob should open it.” Customer: “There is nothing to turn! The door only has a handle!” Me: “It does. I’m standing on the other side of it.” Customer: “Well, then why don’t YOU open it! You’ve already kept me locked in here for a half hour!” (I fiddle with the lock and manage to open it from the outside after a moment, only to see the woman prying at the supply cabinet door.) Customer: “Oh, I came in this door. I thought that one…” *points to supply cabinet* “… led to the men’s room.” (Without another word, she walked out of the bathroom, and out of the store.) Coworker: “Maybe she was trying to get to Narnia?” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri May 29, 2009 9:08 pm Post #18678 |
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Whipped Bagel Shop | Syracuse, NY, USA Customer: “Can I get a pumpernickel bagel and a plain bagel in a bag?” (I get him his bagels. He looks at the bag with a wistful expression.) Customer: “Pumpernickel bagel.” Me: “Yep.” Customer: “Keeps the peace at home, you know?” Me: “Um, sure.” Customer: “Really does. Twenty-three… no, thirty-four years of marriage and it’s come to this. Pumpernickel bagel.” Me: “…” Customer: “Pumpernickel… bagel.” *leaves* |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri May 29, 2009 9:08 pm Post #18679 |
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Welcome To Earth, Population: Me Auto Mechanic | New York, NY, USA (A customer calls to ask if his car is ready to be picked up.) Caller: “Is my car ready to be picked up?” Me: “I can check for you, sir. Which car is it?” Caller: “The one I dropped off this morning.” Me: “Right, and which one would that be?” Caller: “The one that I dropped off today.” Me: “Sir, we have a lot of customers on a daily basis. I can’t go on that alone…” Caller: “I dropped it off this morning!” Me: “Sir, lots of people dropped their cars off this morning. You need to tell me more. The license plate number, or what you dropped it off for, for example?” Caller: “It’s the car that I dropped off this morning!” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Fri May 29, 2009 9:10 pm Post #18680 |
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Maybe That’s Her Good Side Photo Lab | Turnersville, NJ, USA Customer: “Do you take passport photos?” Me: “Yes we do. Do you want one taken?” Customer: “Yes, please.” Me: “Okay, ma’am. Just stand in front of the screen, please, and I’ll take your photo.” (She walks up and stands in front of the white screen; she’s facing the background with her back towards me. My coworkers can barely keep it together at this point.) Me: “Ma’am, you’re going to have to turn around if you don’t want the back of your head on your passport.” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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