 Wanted: New forum members! Do you have the right stuff to be an arch-angel member? Must be:
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| Tweet Topic Started: Thu Sep 27, 2007 7:29 am (69,157 Views) | |
| AWOLangel | Wed May 27, 2009 1:22 pm Post #17361 |
 
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from notalwaysright.com Dog Bites Owner, Files For Emancipation Grooming Salon | Ann Arbor, MI, USA (A woman comes into the grooming salon with a dog whose hair is extremely matted.) Customer: “I’d like her to have very long hair. Right now it’s all tangled and looks short.” Me: “I can’t actually leave her hair long. She’s matted to the skin, and policy says we must shave her. I’ll try to get my longest blade through, but it will most likely be naked.” Customer: “I don’t want her shaved. I want her hair long.” Me: “I can’t make her hair long. It’s matted. Her skin is red, it’s matted so tight. It needs to be shaved for her health, and our policy is to shave her or we don’t groom the dog.” Customer: “Can you guys do anything?” Me: “Yes. Shave her. Just this one time, and when you pick her up I can show you the brush you should buy to keep her hair from matting as it grows out.” Customer: “I’m not shaving her! I want her hair long. Not short. LONG.” Me: “I can hear you. It’s shave or nothing, I’m sorry, it’s policy and really the best interest for the dog.” Customer: “You should do as I’m telling you because I’M paying and it is MY dog.” Me: “YOU should brush YOUR dog, because it is YOUR dog and YOU chose to own it.” Customer: “I’m never coming back, and we’re going somewhere that will do what we want!” (She came back.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Wed May 27, 2009 1:23 pm Post #17362 |
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Existential Dilemmas Office | Piscataway, NJ, USA Me: “Hi, Ms. B***’s office.” Caller: “Hi, is Ms. B*** in today?” Me: “No, sorry. She’s on vacation. Can I take a message?” Caller: “Yes. Wait… are you an answering machine?” Me: “Uh… no, ma’am.” Caller: “Are you sure?!” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Wed May 27, 2009 1:24 pm Post #17363 |
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Nothin’ Like A Good Old Existential Meltdown Supermarket | St. Andrews, Scotland, UK (Confronted by a customer with an extremely high pitched voice and impenetrable Highland accent. This is one of those tiny old Scottish women with a headscarf nailed on and muscles like steel wires. They are a common sight in the East of Scotland, and are almost immortal. Only the slow action of the wind off the north sea will gradually erode them.) Me: “That will be £***, please.” Old Lady: “Areyenamerican?” Me: “I beg your pardon?” Old Lady: “Ah sid, are ye Namerican?” Me: “I’m sorry, I missed that.” Old Lady: “Are… ye… an… American?” Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I misheard you. No, I’m English.” Old Lady: “Oh… why?” (I have spent much of the last three years trying to come up with a satisfactory answer. As yet I have made no progress.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Wed May 27, 2009 1:26 pm Post #17364 |
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Personally, I Prefer Stars And Polkadots Tourist Shop | Vancouver, BC, Canada American customer: “Your flag is just so pretty. I love maple leaves. Does it come in blue?” Me: “Um, no, sorry, only red.” American customer: “That’s a shame. My kitchen is blue, and it would look so pretty on the wall. You should make them in other colours.” Me: “…” Canadian customer behind her: “That’s a good point. I’ve always thought the stars-and-stripes would look great in earth tones.” American customer: “Our flag is ALWAYS red, white and blue! Honestly, Canadians are so stupid sometimes.” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Wed May 27, 2009 1:26 pm Post #17365 |
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Sometimes, You Just Can’t Win, Part 2 Call Center | American Fork, UT, USA Me: “Hi, this is Alyssa, how can I help you?” Caller: “Hi, yeah, someone from your company called me and they were being all friendly to me over the phone.” Me: “… Oh? Were they rude to you in anyway?” Caller: “No… it’s just… they were being all nice… and I don’t like it when people pretend to be my friend, like they know me!” Me: “All right, but I don’t understand what the problem is with that.” Caller: “…” Me: “You know what, I’ll just go ahead and take you off our calling list, okay? You have a great day.” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Wed May 27, 2009 1:27 pm Post #17366 |
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Sometimes, You Just Can’t Win Fast Food | Ohio, USA Me: “Hello, may I help you?” Customer: “I’d like some baked chicken.” Me: “I’m sorry, we only have fried chicken.” Customer: “How about roasted chicken?” Me: “No, we only have fried chicken.” Customer: “How about broasted… boasted chicken?” (Yes, she actually said boasted chicken.) Me: “No, ma’am, all we have is plain old fried chicken.” Customer: “Oh, okay.” *leaves* Boss: “Hey, don’t call the chicken old.” Me: *facepalm* |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Wed May 27, 2009 1:27 pm Post #17367 |
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On The Need For Male Role Models Resort | California, USA (While standing in line for the bathroom at a resort, I overhear two young boys talking.) Boy 1: “Why are the lines for the girl’s bathroom always longer? Is it because the boy’s bathroom has that special sink?” Boy 2: “You mean the urinal?” Boy 1: “Yeah. ‘Cause you can fit like five guys around it.” Boy 2: “Or, if they’re skinny, you can fit seven or eight.” Boy 1: “And if they’re FAT you can only fit two.” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Wed May 27, 2009 1:28 pm Post #17368 |
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Liar Liar Pants On Fire Tech Support | Vienna, Austria Me: “Hello, *** Customer Support, how can I help you?” Customer: “Hi, I have a problem with my bill.” Me: “Let’s have a look at it, can you give me your customer number please?” Customer: “Sure, it’s…” (While he gives me the number, the fire alarm goes off.) Customer: “What is this noise?” Me: “It’s the fire alarm, Sir. I’m afraid I have to call you back later.” Customer: “Oh, I see. Well, can we go through my bill now?” Me: “Sir, I’m afraid I can’t do this right now. The fire alarm is on and that means I have to leave the building.” Customer: “Yeah, sure. So, my bill–” Me: “Sir, I will gladly check your bill once the alarm is out and the building is safe, but now, I really need to hang up and go outside.” Customer: “But my bill…” Me: “Sir, I’m afraid my pants are on fire, so I’d appreciate it if you could agree that I’ll call you back later.” Customer: “Oh! Okay then, call me in an hour and I hope your pants are fine.” Me: “Thanks. Bye.” (My pants of course were not on fire, but I don’t think anything else would have shut him up.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Wed May 27, 2009 1:28 pm Post #17369 |
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Liar Liar On The Telephone (Wire) Office Receptionist | Warner Robins, GA, USA Me: “Hello, [company name], how may I help you?” Caller: “Yes, I would like to speak to [company president’s first name].” Me: “May I ask who is calling?” Caller: “This is Joe. He is expecting my call.” Me: “… and you are with?” Caller: “Just put me through, he knows me and is expecting me to call.” Me: “I am sorry sir, but my instructions are to find out who is calling and what company they are with before transferring the call.” Caller: “Look, I am his brother and you better put me through right now!” Me: “Oh really? Well, I am his sister and I know for a fact that we don’t have a brother.” Caller: *click* (Salesmen will say anything to get through. And yes, I am the CEO’s sister.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Wed May 27, 2009 1:29 pm Post #17370 |
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Liar Liar Panties On Fire Shipping Company | San Diego, CA, USA Me: “Hi, I understand that you’re having problems with your delivery.” Customer: “Yes, your stupid SOB driver won’t deliver to my apartment. I saw him through the window and thought he’d be right up, but he never came up.” Me: “Ma’am, I see that you live in an apartment complex, is there a security code or call box on the gate that the driver would need to use to gain access to your complex?” Customer: “There isn’t a call box or a gate code. The gates stay locked all day.” Me: “Well, without a gate code or a call box at the gate, my driver can’t get through to your gate. Furthermore, if you saw him outside of the complex, why didn’t you go out to greet him?” Customer: “That’s not my problem. I shouldn’t have to leave my apartment to get my package. It’s your job to deliver it to my door.” Me: “Actually, it is your problem if you’d like to receive your package today.” Customer: “You can’t speak to me like that! I demand to speak to your supervisor! Me: “Ma’am, I *am* the supervisor. I also dispatch to the driver to reattempt delivery to your address.” Customer: “I still don’t see why I have do half of your job. You’re the delivery company.” Me: “No problem ma’am. We’ll bring it back to the building tonight and we’ll try it again tomorrow. If we can’t reach your door tomorrow, then we’ll try again a third time and after that if it gets sent back to the shipper, you’ll have to address it with them.” Customer: “NO! NO! NO! Fine! I’ll prop the gate open, it’s medication that I need today!” Me: *looks in system, it’s Victoria Secret* |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Wed May 27, 2009 1:30 pm Post #17371 |
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The Guinea Pig Goes Hiss Pet Store | Lafayette, LA, USA (I am showing a guinea pig to a middle aged customer in a suit and tie who seems interested in buying it for his kids.) Customer: “So, they eat special food just for guinea pigs?” Me: “Yeah, there is a food that we sell that is specially customized to their needs, but you can also feed them rabbit food.” Customer: “A guinea pig is a reptile, right?” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Wed May 27, 2009 1:30 pm Post #17372 |
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It’s Always The One You Least Suspect Theme Park | San Diego, CA, USA (My job at the theme park is to explain the rules at certain rides.) Mom: “Who told you couldn’t ride sweetie?” Kid: *points at me* Mom: “Why did you send my kid back down to me?!” Me: “Sorry, he’s too short for this ride, but you guys are more than welcome to play in the other areas.” Mom: *points at another kid* “But he is WAY shorter than my son!” Me: “No, sorry. I measure every child and he made the minimum height.” Mom: “That’s ridiculous. Can’t my son go just once? He’s waited all day to play over here.” Me: “No, sorry…” Mom: “You’re just a prude.” Me: “I probably get more than you do.” Mom: *jaw drops* |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Wed May 27, 2009 1:31 pm Post #17373 |
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Just Another Day In Bedrock Retail | Massachusetts, USA (Keep in mind, this customer comes in about ten times a day. He’s insane and you never know what you will get from this guy.) Customer: “Yabba dabba.” Me: “What?” Customer: “Yabba dabba.” Me: “Okay. That will be thirteen fifty.” Customer: *hands me money* “Yabba dabba.” Me: “You don’t say?” Customer: *angrily* “Yabba dabba!!” Me: “Doo. Have a good day.” Customer: *happy now* “YABBA DABBA!!!!” *leaves* (He comes back about two hours later, talking regularly like nothing happened.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Wed May 27, 2009 1:35 pm Post #17374 |
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I’ll Have The Bacteria, Lettuce And Tomato Deli | Indiana, USA (I work in the deli of a very small grocery store. My co-worker had just walked out of the deli, leaving me in the back alone.) Cashier: “Deli, you have a customer!” Me: “I’m sorry sir, I didn’t see you there. I was just washing my hands. Can I get you something?” Customer: “I’ve been waiting here for TEN MINUTES.” (I know for a fact that he couldn’t have been there for more than a minute, because my co-worker had just walked out.) Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Like I said, I didn’t know you were out here. I was in the back, washing my hands and I can’t see you back there.” Customer: “Well, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN OUT HERE. What were you doing in the back? Your job is to wait on customers!” Me: “I WAS WASHING MY HANDS.” Customer: “I don’t see why you should have to do that.” Me: “Me neither, sir.” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Wed May 27, 2009 1:35 pm Post #17375 |
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Around The World In 80 Epithets Coffee Shop | Northern VA, USA Me: “Good morning, ma’am. What can I get for you today?” Customer: “Well hello dearie, what kind of mild coffee do you have today?” Me: “Our light roast today is our Guatemala.” Customer: “Oh no. I don’t want coffee made by [racial epithet].” Me: “Um… well, our dark roast is our Ethiopian. Customer: “I don’t want [another racial epithet] coffee either! Can’t you get me some American coffee? Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, coffee beans don’t grow anywhere in America except Hawaii. And we don’t carry any Kona.” Customer: “Damn [yet another racial epithet]! Don’t want any of their coffee either. I just want some good old American coffee. That’s what I got last time.” Me: “I’m sorry. Like I said, we don’t carry any coffee grown in America. Coffee doesn’t grow in the continental United States.” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Wed May 27, 2009 1:37 pm Post #17376 |
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Grannies: Gotta Love ‘Em Grocery Store | West Texas, USA (A new employee informs me that she spotted a little boy sneaking some candy in his pants. I confront the boy and an older woman about it.) Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. Hey, kiddo, what’s in your pocket?” Boy: “Nothing!” Granny: “Oh, h***, again?! Boy, if you don’t put that d***ed candy back, that lady gonna call the po-po on you! And I ain’t gonna stop her none.” (The boy, crying, hands me 2 candy bars and a handful of suckers. I thank the lady, and get back to work. A few minutes later, the boy’s mother comes up to me.) Mama: “Is that the b****?” Me: “Excuse me?” Mama: “Aint’ talking to you.” Boy: “Yes, mama.” Mama: “Girl, you being rude to my son?” Me: “No, ma’am.” Mama: “So why you take away his candy?” Me: “Because it wasn’t paid for.” Mama: “Says who? I got him that candy!” Me: “Ma’am, it’s at least 100 degrees outside, and your boy had unmelted chocolate in his pocket. He didn’t bring that in with him. Besides, he was seen taking the candy off the shelf.” Mama: “What? Who said that?” *turns to the other cashiers* “Which one of you a**holes told on my boy?” Me: “Excuse me, but that’s not important.” Mama: “What’s your point, then?!” Me: “The point is, your boy was caught stealing.” Mama: “Forget about the d***ed candy, you nosy b****! Ain’t none of your business!” Me: “Ma’am, your son was spotted shoplifting, which is a crime. You’re lucky I don’t report him.” Mama: “You stupid b****! I don’t give a flying f*** about the candy!” (She raises her hands as if to hit me.) Me, to a coworker: “Call the manager, he should be in by now.” (Just then, Granny appears out of nowhere and smacks her daughter with her handbag.) Granny: “WHAT THE H*** YOU DOING, GIRL?” *continues to smack and berate her daughter* “Upsetting people like that! No common sense! S***! YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THAT!” Mama: “But, Ma–” Granny: “SHUT YOUR MOUTH GIRL! GET IN THE D***ED CAR!” *turns to me* “I’m so sorry about that. She crazy, I swear to God. She’ll never come back in here, I promise.” Me: “…” Granny, to daughter: “CAN’T TAKE YOUR CRAZY A** NOWHERE! S***!” (She walks out like nothing happened, and true to her word, I’ve not seen that lady since.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Wed May 27, 2009 1:38 pm Post #17377 |
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Dads: Gotta Love ‘Em Auto Mechanic | Massachusetts, USA (My father owns an auto shop, where I sometimes work part time. Late one afternoon, a woman comes in.) Me: “May I help you?” Customer: “Yes. I need my car inspected.” Me: “Well, we’re not taking any more inspections this afternoon. May I schedule you for tomorrow?” Customer: “No, I want my car inspected now.” Me: “I’m sorry, but we take in our last inspection at 4:00 so we have time to pack up and shut down the machine.” Customer: “Yes, but I just bought my car from *** and they told me I could bring my car here to get inspected for free.” Me: “Yes, they will pay for your inspection here, but we’re closing soon. I’d be happy to schedule you an appointment for another day.” Customer: “No! This is an outrage! At *** they told me I could bring in my car ANY TIME to be inspected here!” Me: “Um… well…” Customer: “I want my car inspected RIGHT NOW. They told me I could have it inspected any time!” Me: “Ma’am, it’s 4:45 and we are closing in 15 minutes. We don’t have time…” Customer: “Where is your manager!? I want to speak to your manager!” Me: “Um… I’m afraid he’s out test driving a car.” Customer: “That’s unacceptable! Is there anyone else I can talk to? I need to get my car inspected!” Me: “Hold on…” (I go out into the shop and check, but sure enough the only other person still here this late is the trainee mechanic. The woman proceeds to yell at us for about ten minutes. Eventually, my dad returns from his test drive.) Me: “Dad, can you help this woman?” Dad: “What can I do for you today?” Customer: “I brought my car here from *** for an inspection but they won’t give one to me!” (My dad proceeds to tell her everything I told her, smiling through all her abuse. Eventually…) Customer: “Fine! This is an outrage! I’m going to write a complaint letter to *** about you!” Dad: “Yeah, good luck with that.” Me: “My God.” Dad: “Let me give you a little advice about people like that. When somebody gets all worked up at you like that, you need to remain calm. Because the calmer you are, the angrier they get, and it’s REALLY funny.” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Wed May 27, 2009 1:38 pm Post #17378 |
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Vague & Vaguerer Home Builder | Edmonton, AB, Canada Me: “Good morning, *** Homes.” Customer with really thick accent: “How much is house?” Me: “Which home is that? Would you like to speak with a Realtor?” Customer: “No, how much is house? House?” Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but I cannot tell you that without an address–and in any case, you need to speak with a Realtor.” Customer: “House! How much is house?!” Me: “More than a couch, less than a rocket ship. Have a nice day!” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Wed May 27, 2009 1:39 pm Post #17379 |
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Baptism On A Budget Retail | Michigan, USA Customer: “I need some help with the animal watering troughs.” Me: “Sure, they are outside. Let’s go look at them.” (Outside…) Customer: “Can I see if I fit in it?” Me: “Um, ok.” (The customer climbs in.) Customer to companion: “Ok, now you get in too, see if we will both fit.” (The customer’s companion climbs in.) Customer: “Ok, this will work, but do you have any nicer looking ones, without dents? We are using it for a baptismal font.” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Wed May 27, 2009 1:40 pm Post #17380 |
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More Like The Gas Beneath My Pants Retail | Alberta, Canada Me: “Hello, *** Music. How may I help you?” Customer: “I was wondering if you had the sheet music for ‘Hero’.” Me: “Mariah Carey?” Customer: “No! Bette Midler!” Me: “Oh! ‘Wind Beneath My Wings!’ Sure, we’ve got it!” Customer: “Huh?” Me: “The song is called ‘Wind Beneath My Wings.’ It’s one of the most popular vocal arrangements on the market.” Customer: “No, it’s that one about her hero.” Me: ”Yeah…” *sings* “… did you ever know that you’re my hero? You’re everything I wish I could be… I can fly higher than an eagle… and you are the WIND BENEATH MY WINGS.” Customer: “Yes! That’s the one!” *sings* “‘Did you ever know that you’re my HERO!’ Can you hold a copy for me?” Me, giving up: “Of course…” (Later on…) Coworker 1: “So, who was on the phone?” Coworker 2: “… and why are they the wind beneath your wings?” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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