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| Tweet Topic Started: Thu Sep 27, 2007 7:29 am (70,019 Views) | |
| Purplelizard2006 | Mon Oct 8, 2007 10:09 pm Post #121 |
It's Christmas!
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    I'm the biker babe! | |
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| ForgetMeNot | Tue Oct 9, 2007 5:15 am Post #122 |
 
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At a U2 concert in Ireland , Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...."I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from the front of the audience yells out...."Then stop clapping, ya arsehole!" |
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| ForgetMeNot | Tue Oct 9, 2007 5:16 am Post #123 |
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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one." |
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| ForgetMeNot | Tue Oct 9, 2007 5:17 am Post #124 |
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now." |
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| ForgetMeNot | Tue Oct 9, 2007 5:17 am Post #125 |
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Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across too?" |
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| ForgetMeNot | Tue Oct 9, 2007 5:17 am Post #126 |
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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?" |
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| ForgetMeNot | Tue Oct 9, 2007 5:18 am Post #127 |
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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees. "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken." |
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| ForgetMeNot | Tue Oct 9, 2007 5:18 am Post #128 |
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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said, "Why do you say such a thing?" "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror. |
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| ForgetMeNot | Tue Oct 9, 2007 5:19 am Post #129 |
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Top Ten Punchlines to Dirty Irish Jokes 10. She's out in the barn making Bailey's Irish Cream. 9. I thought 'Dublin' was having sex with twins. 8. Here's one snake St. Patrick didn't chase out of Ireland. 7. That's not the Blarney Stone, but don't stop kissing it. 6. I saw Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche practicing their Gaelic. 5. Lord of the Dance? More like 'Lord of my pants'! 4. These lucky charms are magically delicious! 3. Keep looking -- I know there's a shamrock in there somewhere. 2. That is my thick Irish brogue, and yes, I'm happy to see you. 1. Ted Kennedy. |
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| ForgetMeNot | Tue Oct 9, 2007 5:20 am Post #130 |
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The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice discounted by 14% - he just couldn't convert the "percent" to "dollars", so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical assistance. He called her into his office and said, "Look here, Sue-Anne, Y'all graduated from the University of Tennessee, racht? Naow, I need some help hyar; "If'n I was to give y'all $20,000, minus 14% - then exactly how much would you take off?" The lady thought for a moment, and then replied, "Ever thang but'n my earrings!" |
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| ForgetMeNot | Tue Oct 9, 2007 5:20 am Post #131 |
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A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. Dumping the prime buck on the ground and wiping his forehead, Bubba said:"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail, daider'n a doornail!" "You left Henry laying out there and instead, carried this deer back here?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's agonna steal Henry!" |
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| ForgetMeNot | Tue Oct 9, 2007 5:20 am Post #132 |
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A senior at Louisiana State was overheard saying... "Man! When the end of the world finally comes, I shore hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied that he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world. |
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| ForgetMeNot | Tue Oct 9, 2007 5:21 am Post #133 |
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A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75 carry'n a good 'ole boy go'n 'bout eighty. Leaning in the window the trooper asked, "Got any ID?" "Bout whut?" the driver replied. |
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| ForgetMeNot | Tue Oct 9, 2007 5:21 am Post #134 |
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A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, so he pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back and asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I done gott'n a flat tar." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down longside the highway, they alus tells you to: "put flares in the front" an' "flares in the back". "I never did understand it neither. But I done it jes lak yore sposed to...." |
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| ForgetMeNot | Tue Oct 9, 2007 5:21 am Post #135 |
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Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. |
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| ForgetMeNot | Tue Oct 9, 2007 5:22 am Post #136 |
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Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. |
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| ForgetMeNot | Tue Oct 9, 2007 5:24 am Post #137 |
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On average, the Pentagon uses 666 rolls of toilet paper in one day. |
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| ForgetMeNot | Tue Oct 9, 2007 5:25 am Post #138 |
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In 1996, toy company Mattel released a "Harley Davidson" Barbie. This dolls distinctive feature is a birth mark on her face that changes position with every new release of the doll. |
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| ForgetMeNot | Tue Oct 9, 2007 5:27 am Post #139 |
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The cardigan was originally made to be a military jacket made of knitted wool. |
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| ForgetMeNot | Tue Oct 9, 2007 5:28 am Post #140 |
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A single chocolate chip gives enough energy to a human being to walk 150 feet. |
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