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| Tweet Topic Started: Thu Sep 27, 2007 7:29 am (69,562 Views) | |
| Gummy | Tue Apr 28, 2009 6:11 pm Post #9261 |
Me in 10 years^^^
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Yup 
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| AWOLangel | Tue Apr 28, 2009 6:16 pm Post #9262 |
 
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Pinheaded, Part 2 Golf Course | Massachusetts, USA (I’m a greenskeeper on a golf course and am doing some work on a green, moving the hole. I pull the pin (flag) out, which is the universal symbol for “the green is closed, don’t shoot”. As I’m doing my work, this happens…) Member: “Fore on the green! Fore on the green!” (I look up to see blue sky and a little white speck flying at me. I turn my back and the golf ball hits me square in my one good kidney. I drop like a bag of potatoes, and the member casually strolls up to the green.) Member: “Are you ok?” Me: “No, I need to get to a hospital, it hit my good kidney.” Member: “What the h*** were you doing on the green? You’re not supp–” Me: “Did you just hear me? I need an ambulance!” Member: “Don’t interrupt me, you little a**hole! Now move so I can putt!” (I grab my radio and get my superintendent, who rushes out in his cart on the phone with 911. After he hangs up, he turns to the member.) Superintendent: “Didn’t you see the pin was down?! You could have killed him! Member: “He shouldn’t be on the green during play! It’s his own fault!” (They continue arguing for a few moments until the ambulance shows up. As the EMT is getting me on a stretcher, she asks the member…) EMT: “If the pin was down, what were you aiming for?” Member: “Him.” Superintendent: “You aimed… for him?” Member: “I figured he’d be close to the hole. I mean… the pin was down! I had to aim for something!” Superintendent: “You’re a f***ing idiot!” (I found out later that the member was kicked out of the country club, and his $50,000 initiation fee as well as his $15,000 yearly dues were not refunded.) |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Apr 28, 2009 6:17 pm Post #9263 |
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Eastern Standard Time Travelers Customer Service | Oregon, USA (I received this call shortly after news broke about the emergency landing of a US Airways flight on the Hudson.) Me: “Thank you for calling customer service, how may I help you today?” Customer: “Did you hear about the plane that crashed into the Hudson River just a few moments ago?” Me: “There was a plane crash? Oh, my… was anyone hurt?” Customer: “No, they all lived. I’m surprised you haven’t heard about it yet. Where are you located?” Me: “Well, I don’t have access to a television to see the current news. I am in Oregon.” Customer: “Well, no wonder you haven’t heard of it happening yet. It happened in New York, which is 3 hours ahead of you!” |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Apr 28, 2009 6:17 pm Post #9264 |
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Unbearably Bad Ideas Resort | Jasper, AB, Canada (Note: I worked in a resort over the summer as a concierge.) Tourist: “Can we see any wildlife in the area, you know, by the side of the road?” Me: “Sure, we routinely see elk, deer, mountain goats and bighorn sheep. I’ve seen a couple wolves too, and we get a lot of bears.” Tourist: “Oh! Can we feed the bears?” Me: “No, sir, the bears are wild bears. They are extremely dangerous and you should never approach any wild animal. Just stay in your car, with the windows up, and you’ll be fine.” Tourist: “Oh… can we send our kids to play with the bears?” Me: “That would be ‘feeding the bears,’ sir…” |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Apr 28, 2009 6:19 pm Post #9265 |
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Barry Burnin’ White Electronics Repair | Houston, TX, USA Caller: “Hello, I work offshore. I got home from a 3 week assignment yesterday, and me and the wife were doing the… you know… we were being… uhh…” Me: “… intimate?” Caller: “Nah. It was pretty rough. But anyhow, we were doing our thing.” (At this point, I’m pretty sure the caller is actually a buddy of mine, pranking me. I was wrong.) Me: “Sir, this is a stereo repair shop. Are you aware–” Caller: “Yeah, yeah, sorry. That’s not the point. When we got done, I noticed the music had stopped. I looked over there, and there were fumes coming off the receiver. So, I called your customer service number and they told me I need to write a description of the problem. I don’t know what happened, so I figured I’d call a tech guy to help me with the description. You got any idea what I should write?” Me: “Well, uhh… how about ’smokes after sex’?” Caller: *laughing* “DONE! I like yer style, mah friend!” (That call totally made my day. I almost got fired over it, but it was worth it!) |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Apr 28, 2009 6:21 pm Post #9266 |
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I’m A Mac, With Reinforcements Computer Store | Urbana, IL, USA Customer: “How much is this iPod Touch thingy?” Me: “$229, sir.” Customer: “Now, I’ve heard that these things can get the internet, right?” Me: “That’s correct.” Customer: “How does it get the internet without any wires?” Me: “Well, it works the same way a computer would; you can connect to any wi-fi netwo-” Customer: “WHOA! Wi-fi? I can’t use wi-fi!” Me: “…” Customer: “Haven’t you heard?” Me: “…no?” Customer: “Wi-fi is what causes cancer. People are getting cancer more and more because we keep expanding our wi-fi networks. I’m only safe because of this!” (He pulls out a pendant he was wearing as a necklace under his shirt. It is a cylindrical white plastic container with a radioactive sticker on it.) Customer: “This thing right here protects me! It’s protecting you right now too!” Me: “Oh…OK…” Customer: “Yeah. Inside of this, there’s a thing that goes faster than the speed of light!” (He starts to flap his arms wildly in a circle to demonstrate ‘faster than light’, while making a ‘whoosh’ sound.) Me: “…cool…” Customer: “YEAH IT IS! On TV they try to tell us that things can’t travel faster than the speed of light, but I know that’s garbage! They just want us to get cancer. You NEED to get one of these things, man!” Me: “Um…yeah. Well, I’m sorry about the iPod then, is there anything else you need help with?” Customer: “What? I want the iPod!” Me: “I thought it would give you cancer?” Customer: “No. I’m PROTECTED.” Me: “…” 1 Thumbs Up |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Apr 28, 2009 6:22 pm Post #9267 |
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Common Sense Is Not That High-Reaching… Hotel | Red Deer, Alberta, Canada (This was during a first-stage fire alarm in the hotel, which was already verified to be a false alarm.) Guest: *completely oblivious to the fire alarm* “The elevators aren’t working properly!” Me: “The elevators won’t work during a fire alarm, but we already know it’s a false alarm. It will take us about 5 minutes to reset the elevator doors. If you need to get to your room right now the stairs are just outside those doors.” *pointing* Guest: “Why won’t they work? I don’t get it.” Me: “In a real emergency such as a fire, it is unsafe for anyone to use the elevators. I assure you it’s a pretty standard procedure. If you need to get up right away I can show you the stairs.” Guest: “Well, that’s just unsafe! What do the people trapped on the upper floors do?! HOW DO THEY GET DOWN DURING A FIRE?!” Nearby Guest: *patiently waiting for the elevator to be re-set* “They use the same stairs you were told to use!” Guest: “Well, I’m not from the city, I don’t know these things!” 1 Thumbs Up |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Apr 28, 2009 6:25 pm Post #9268 |
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Beans From The Third Rice Coffee Shop | USA (On Mondays we have a medium cup of coffee for a dollar deal. A woman came in to order her drink.) Customer: “I would like a small coffee with steamed milk.” Me: “OK.” Customer: “Actually, it’s with soy milk.” Me: “OK.” Customer: “And you know what? Make it a medium.” Me: “OK, that’ll be $3.18.” Customer: “No, it’s only a dollar.” Me: “But it’s steamed soy milk, that’s different from–” Customer: “You guys are so soy unfriendly! If I have dairy I could go into anaphylactic shock! This is ridiculous; it’s a medium coffee! It’s only extra because of soy milk - I can’t believe this!” Me: “Ma’am, it’s extra for two percent, too.” Customer: “You are just a soy nazi! Give me my money back; I’m going to ****. Don’t expect to see me again - this is so ridiculous! You guys aren’t going to make any money if you aren’t more soy friendly. You’re just soy nazis!” Me: “…” 1 Thumbs Up |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Apr 28, 2009 6:35 pm Post #9269 |
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There’s Such A Thing As Being Too Into Crafts Retail | Minneapolis, MN, USA (This took place at a large craft store. This particular day I was stocking the shelves when a lady came up and asked me for help.) Customer: “My daughter only has a few months left to live, and she is going to be cremated. I was wondering if you had anything that I could use to make her ashes into a tiara?” Me: “…make her…ashes into a tiara?” Customer: “Yes. She was a beauty queen, and I’d like to make her ashes into a tiara. Do you have some modeling clay or something I can use?” Me: “Oh, do you mean you want to make an urn in the shape of a tiara to hold the ashes?” Customer: “No, I want the ashes molded into the shape of a tiara.” (I am silent for a moment. The lady stands expectantly, and finally I answer.) Me: “Ma’am, I cannot help you. There is no one in this store who can help you. I suggest you go and get help somewhere else.” 1 Thumbs Up |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Apr 28, 2009 6:43 pm Post #9270 |
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Fifi Lives Another Day Shipping Store | Nashville, TN, USA (A rich-looking older lady was on vacation from Florida, and stopped by our store.) Customer: “Yes, I’m going back home and would like to ship my poodle.” Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but we can’t ship pets here.” Customer: “Well, the airlines will over-charge me if you don’t let me. I’ll pay extra.” Me: “Ma’am, it is actually illegal for me to ship your poodle. I’m very sorry for the inconvenience.” Customer: *getting irate* “What if you poke holes in the box? Can I ship him then?” Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry if I’m being unclear, but I can’t ship your dog for you. I’m truly sorry.” Customer: “Well, I know I’ve shipped my dog here before. Do you really think I would be here if I hadn’t?” Me: “Ma’am, I don’t know, but I know we can’t do that.” Customer: *leaves in a huff* (Perhaps I should have offered to bubble-wrap the dog for no extra fee. Then she wouldn’t have to poke holes in the box!) 1 Thumbs Up |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Apr 28, 2009 6:43 pm Post #9271 |
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One Man’s Art Is Another Man’s Political Agenda Video Rental Store | Pittsburgh, PA, USA Me: *on the phone* “Hello, this is **** Video.” Customer: “Yes. I would like a refund. This movie is in a different language!” Me: “What movie is it?” Customer: “Pan’s Labyrinth.” Me: “Yes, sir. That’s a foreign film. If you’d like, you can comen exchange it for an English-language film.” Customer: “Why do they do that?” Me: “Do what, sir?” Customer: “Make movies in other languages.” Me: “It wasn’t made in America, sir.” Customer: “Well, I’m not giving them immigrants any of my money!” |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Apr 28, 2009 6:44 pm Post #9272 |
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How To Scam A Scammer, Part 6 Pizza Place | Tacoma, WA, USA (I’m a customer waiting for my pizza and overhear this conversation.) Cashier, to another customer: “Hey, what can I get you?” Customer: “Just a bottle of water, please.” Cashier: “Sure, that’ll come to $1.09.” (The customer hands him two dollars, and then pauses.) Customer: “Actually, could I get you to exchange these five ones for a five?” Cashier: “Sure.” Customer: “Oh, wait… can I exchange the two fives for a ten?” (This continues for a few minutes until the cashier smiles and says that he has to get back to work helping me, since my pizza is ready. The guy leaves.) Me: “People like that always make me nervous. I’ve had bad run-ins with short changers.” Cashier: “Yeah, I was wise to his game, though.” Me: “Oh, yeah?” Cashier: “Yeah. He shorted himself two dollars.” |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Apr 28, 2009 6:46 pm Post #9273 |
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Willy Wonka Goes Bonkas Chocolate Shop | Newcastle, UK (Our shop has a chocolate fountain which we fill up daily, to attract customers who can buy marshmallows to dip into it.) Customer: “So, where does the chocolate come from?” Me: “… sorry?” Customer: “The chocolate for the fountain thing. Where does it come from?” Me: “Well, we melt some chocolate, then fill–” Customer: “No, where does it COME from? Like the water pipes or something?” Me: “No we melt our own–” Customer: “Don’t lie to me! I know you got a chocolate pipe plugged into that thing! How do you get one!? Where is your manager?” (After failing to convince them, the customer leaves angrily. It’s now a running joke in our shop to call the “National Chocolate System” whenever there is a problem.) |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Apr 28, 2009 6:46 pm Post #9274 |
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The Devil Is Definitely In The Details Retail | Decatur, AL, USA Customer: “Where do y’all keep your pedophiles?” Me: “I beg your pardon?” Customer: “You know, PED-IH-FILES!” Me: “Um…” Customer: “Yeah, the pedophiles! They show it on TV… it’s where people trim their dog’s feet!” Me: “Oh, Pedi-PAWS. Right this way…” |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Apr 28, 2009 6:47 pm Post #9275 |
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Dire Education College Tech Support | Kansas City, MO, USA (A student calls in to the tech support line for our college’s online student records system.) Student: “Yeah, I forgot my password, and the system is not accepting the information to set a new one.” Me: “Ok, let me see if I can try it. Can I have your name, DOB, and SSN?” Student: *gives me the info* Me: “Hmm, it doesn’t appear to work for me either.” (I look in our database for anything remotely close with his info, but nothing turns up.) Me: “Sir, it looks as though you are not in our system. Did you even apply to our college?” Student: “Yes! What kind of stupid question is that? I applied to [another university] over six months ago.” Me: “Sir, what city and state do you take classes at?” Student: “Omaha, Nebraska.” Me: “Yeah, our college is located in Missouri. I think you have the wrong college.” Student: “No, I think YOU have the wrong student!” Me: “You called us, remember?” Student: *click* |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Apr 28, 2009 6:49 pm Post #9276 |
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No One Ever Said It Would Be Boring… Grocery Store | Peterborough, Ontario, Canada (This happened on my first day of the job.) Me: “Welcome to [grocery store].” Customer: “Take off your glasses.” Me: “Pardon?” Customer: “They’re all pink and red; I can’t see your eyes!” Me: “That’s because they’re tinted that way for a reason. Red increases contrast, and I’m photophobic.” Customer: “What? You’re afraid of light? D*** VAMPI–” Me: “–NO, no, no. It just means bright light hurts my eyes.” Customer: “All right, ring these up.” (Looking down, I notice he has bagged peaches. A LOT of them. As it’s my first day, I have to search for the code for them, and they lack a barcode.) Customer: “Well? They’re peaches.” Me: “I know, let me just–” Customer: Peaches, come on, they’re peaches. Just ring them up.” Me: “Sorry, just a moment.” *grabbing phone* “What’s the code for–” Customer: “THESE. ARE. PEACCHEESSSS!” (He grabs one of the bags of peaches, swings it around until it TEARS open and peaches go flying everywhere, then he runs out of the store.) Coworker: *on the phone* “Aha, so you met the peaches guy on your first day? I remember my first time meeting him…” Me: “…” |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Apr 28, 2009 6:50 pm Post #9277 |
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Bilingual Secret Shame Pharmacy | Massachusetts, USA Customer: “Excuse me, what are diaper couches?” Me: “I’m sorry?” Customer: “Diaper couches.” Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure what you mean.” Customer: *points to the boxes of diapers* “That box! It says ‘diaper couches’.” Me: *suddenly understanding* “Ma’am, that box says diapers, and then it says ‘couches’. That’s the French word for diapers.” Customer: *looks around, then whispers* “Don’t tell anyone!” *leaves* |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Apr 28, 2009 6:50 pm Post #9278 |
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Sometimes You Want To Go Where Everybody Has A Name Call Center | Pittsburgh, PA, USA Me: “Hello, thank you for calling ****. This is Bryan, may I have your account number?” Customer: “Bryan who?” Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, for security purposes I’m unable to provide you with my last name. For reference I can provide you my ID number.” Customer: “That won’t do, you need to have a last name. I can’t speak to someone without a last name. Make one up please, for my sake.” Me: “…OK, for the purposes of this call my name is Bryan Jones.” Customer: “Thank you, Mr. Jones. I…” (My name isn’t Jones.) |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Apr 28, 2009 6:52 pm Post #9279 |
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What A Lady, What A Night Drugstore | New Port Richey, FL, USA (I’m standing in line and overhear this conversation between a beautiful middle aged woman and the photo clerk.) Clerk: “… unfortunately, we are unable to print all of your photos. Some of them are in violation of a our content policy.” Customer: “I don’t understand. All I took pictures of was a trip to Busch Gardens and then my son’s birthday party. What could be so inappropriate?” Clerk: “Were you at some point singing karaoke?” (The customers face goes from confusion, to understanding, to embarrassment, and finally to barely controlled rage.) Customer: “I will be right back.” (The customer goes down the aisle and begins grabbing a few additional items.) Clerk, to me: “She was naked. Pretty hot for an older lady.” (The customer returns with her new items and makes a phone call while the clerk processes the transaction.) Customer: *sweetly on the phone* “Oh, honey, you have been working so hard and have been so good to me. I am making you an amazing dinner. Can you pick up some makings for some cocktails on the way home? I am going to give you a night you will never forget! Love you, bye!” (As she says this, I notice the new items she’s buying: a sports drink, anti-diarrhea medicine, and a giant bottle of contact lens solution–the latter of which can give people diarrhea. The clerk finishes the transaction and the customer gives us the most evil grin right before she walks out.) Clerk: “Hopefully, she won’t let him suffer too long…” 1 Thumbs Up |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Apr 28, 2009 6:52 pm Post #9280 |
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Why Our Contracts Are A Gazillion Pages Long Cell Phone Company | Indiana, USA Caller: “Hello, my cellphone bill is more than it is supposed to be.” Me: “Okay, I see that your bill is $4.00 more than normal. Let’s see why.” Caller: “You had better figure this out. I’m not going to pay it if you’re trying to screw me!” Me: “I see the problem, You actually called Canada.” Caller: “I have nationwide calling! I can call Canada if I want to.” Me: “Actually, if you have nationwide calling, you’re only okay in the United States.” Caller: “So? Canada is part of North America.” Me: “Yes, but not the United States…” Caller: “What about Colorado?” Me: “Yes, Colorado is okay.” Caller: “What about… Vietnam?” Me: “Umm, no, that would be a bit international.” Caller: “Fine! I’ll pay it this time, but maybe you guys should be a bit more clear on what your national service consists of!” |
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