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Tweet Topic Started: Thu Sep 27, 2007 7:29 am (69,576 Views)
AWOLangel	Sat Apr 25, 2009 8:40 pm Post #8981
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	History And Cookbooks Are Written By The Victors Restaurant \| Calgary, Alberta, Canada (An older lady is looking through the buffet, when she comes to our Japanese section. She eyes the sashimi.) Customer: “Oh! Is this smoked salmon?” Me: “No ma’am, it’s actually sashimi, the Japanese way of serving fish, so it’s cleaned and served raw.” Customer: “Raw? That can’t be healthy! Are you sure you are allowed to serve raw fish? Someone could get sick!” Me: “I can assure you, raw salmon won’t get anyone sick. We have served this for years.” Customer: “But it’s raw! Someone will get sick! That’s what raw fish does - gets people sick!” Me: “Ma’am, the Japanese have been eating raw fish for centuries. I think it will be OK.” Customer: “Well, they also lost World War 2. I don’t think this is safe!” Me: “…”



AWOLangel	Sat Apr 25, 2009 8:40 pm Post #8982
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	Children Should Come With A Manual… Or A Hot Line Tech Support \| Ontario, Canada Me: on the phone “Thank you for calling **, my name is . How can I assist you today?” Customer: “Yeah, I need some help. My son just shot my TV.” Me: “Excuse me?” Customer: “Yeah - he was playing around with a BB gun and shot the center of the TV. It’s dead. I need to know what to do.” Me: “Well, unfortunately, sir… that’s not something that’s covered under warranty.” Customer: “Oh, obviously. I know that, but I need to know what to do.” Me: “I can get you the number of a repair shop near you…” Customer: “No, I need to know what to do to my son. He shot my f*ing TV. What do I do? Ground him? Spank him?” Me: “… unfortunately that’s not something I can assist you with, sir.” Customer: “Oh. Right. Well, I thought I would try anyway.” 1 Thumbs Up



AWOLangel	Sat Apr 25, 2009 8:41 pm Post #8983
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	Living On The Edge Of Anaphylactic Shock Coffee Shop \| Columbia, MO, USA (A woman was looking intently at our display case of cookies.) Me: “Can I help you?” Customer: “What kind of cookies do you have?” Me: “Well, right now we have lemon drop and peanut butter chocolate chip.” Customer: “Oh, I’ll take one of each.” (I ring her out and she goes on her way. 20 minutes later I get a phone call.) Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how can I help you?” Customer: “Yeah, I was just in there and I bought a lemon cookie and a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie and…MY GOD I AM ALLERGIC TO NUTS, and I SWEAR I just ate a nut. Are there any nuts in these cookies?” Me: “…well, the peanut butter chocolate chip ones have…peanuts in them.” Customer: “OH MY GOD!” hangs up* (Only 2 weeks later I am working again and the same woman walks into my store.) Customer: looks at the cookies again “I’ll take one of those…peanut butter chocolate chip cookies.” Me: “You realize that those have nuts in them, right?” Customer: “WHAT?! Well…what about the orange walnut cookies?” Me: “Those have walnuts in them.” Customer: “How about the coconut pecan?” Me: “Yeah, those have pecans in them.” Customer: “Well, fine. I’ll just have to have one of those white chocolate macadamia cookies then.” Me: “Look - really the only cookies that we have right now that DON’T have nuts are the sugar cookies.” Customer: “Well, those are just too boring. Never mind then!” 1 Thumbs Up



AWOLangel	Sat Apr 25, 2009 8:43 pm Post #8984
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	Hopefully His Poop Is Invisible Too Fast Food \| Ontario, Canada Customer: “Just give me ketchup and mustard on the cheeseburger.” Me: “Okay, ma’am.” (I start to put the ketchup on the burger.) Customer: “I didn’t ask for ketchup! I want a free cheeseburger now!” Me: “Oh, I thought you did…” Customer: “No, I didn’t. Give me a free cheeseburger.” (I send the other cheeseburger back.) Customer: “What are you doing?” Me: “Getting you a new one?” Customer: “What? Why?” I’m going to eat that one!” Me: “Well, we can’t give you a free hamburger if you’re going to eat the new one.” Customer: “Well, it’s for my baby.” Me: “Ma’am, your order is for here, and you don’t have a baby with you.” Customer: “Maybe it’s an invisible baby!” Me: “… have a great day, ma’am.” 1 Thumbs Up



AWOLangel	Sat Apr 25, 2009 8:44 pm Post #8985
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	University Of Homer Simpson, Part 2 College IT Desk \| Oneonta, NY, USA (A student is dropping a computer off at our college’s IT desk for us to work on.) Me: “Do you have an administrator password for this machine?” Student: “Yes, it’s ‘Homer’.” Me: “Like the author?” Student: blank stare Me: “… like Homer Simpson?” Student: “Yeah!”



AWOLangel	Sat Apr 25, 2009 8:45 pm Post #8986
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	They Stop Terrorists, Thwart Criminals, and Return Blenders Call Center \| Washington, USA Customer: on the phone “My order number is **.” Me: “OK, I’ve got your order up on my screen. How can I help you, sir?” Customer: “You shipped me this product, and I did not order it.” Me: “Are you of ** Street?” Customer: “Yes. I was on your website and I selected this product, and hit the ‘Submit Order’ button, but I didn’t order it.” Me: “When you hit ‘Submit Order’ and get an order number, and an email confirming your order, that means you have submitted an order.” Customer: “But I haven’t paid for this product, so I didn’t order it.” Me: “That’s because you selected the ‘Bill Me Later’ option.” Customer: “Fine. Then guess what I’m going to do? I’m going to keep this product, and I’m never going to pay you for it. Sucker.” Me: “That’s your choice, sir, but if you don’t either return the product we sent you or pay by the due date, your account will be sent to a collection agency for recovery.” Customer: “I am calling the FBI to report you.” Me: “For what, sir?” Customer: “I’m going to tell them that you sent me a product that I didn’t pay for, and they’re going to shut you crooks down.” Me: “So you’re going to call the FBI, and tell them that you ordered a product from us, and now you’re refusing to pay for it OR send it back.” Customer: “Don’t you twist my words. I’m calling the FBI on YOU, not ME.” Me: “That’s your choice, sir, but wouldn’t it be easier to just send the product back if you don’t want it?” Customer: “I do want it. I’m just not paying for it. You’ve wasted enough of my time. I’m hanging up now and calling the FBI.” hangs up (I checked his account later and saw that the guy paid his bill in full before it was even due. I guess things didn’t pan out with the FBI.)



AWOLangel	Sat Apr 25, 2009 8:46 pm Post #8987
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	A Few Carrots Short Of A Bunch Tech Support \| Ottawa, ON, Canada (I work for a business software company. We take data from a database, and turn it into reports.) Client: on the phone “My reports look wrong.” Me: “All right, let’s take a look.” (I see the problem, and we’re able to trace the problem back to his database - something outside of my company’s control.) Me: “It looks like you have some bad data in your database - once the data in there is right, you should have no problems with your reports.” Client: “That’s ridiculous. I don’t care what the database has; it’s my report that’s wrong.” Me: “Actually, we see the exact same problem in your database as we do in the report.” Client: “It’s still your fault.” (This goes on for 20 minutes. I finally decide to make it simpler.) Me: “If you make a hamburger with rotten meat, do you blame the bun company when you get sick?” Client: “I’m a vegetarian, I wouldn’t know.” Me: “OK, fine - if your veggie patty was rotten, would you blame the bun company?” Client: “Veggie patties never go rotten!” Me: “I don’t think you understand my analogy.” Client: “I don’t think YOU understand vegetarians!” Me: “Ma’am, I work tech support. It’s not my job to understand vegetarians.” Client: “WELL IT’S NOT MY JOB EITHER, BUT I DO!” Me: “That’s because you are one.” Client: “NO I’M NOT!” Me: “You told me you were a vegetarian, 30 seconds ago.” Client: “I LIED!” Me: “…why?” Client: “BECAUSE YOU’RE WRONG!” Me: “No, I’m not.” Client: “WROOONG! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! WROOONG!” (She kept on saying ‘wrong’ for a good 45 seconds, despite me trying to interject, so I then hung up. No one in the company has heard from her since.)



AWOLangel	Sat Apr 25, 2009 8:50 pm Post #8988
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	Super Absorbent For Those Mentally Heavy Days Pharmacy \| Texas, USA (An elderly man calls up to the store.) Me: “Thank you for calling **, this is **, how can I help you?” Customer: “Yes, my granddaughter came to visit me, and she bought me a birthday gift. It’s on the kitchen table, but I’m not sure what it is.” Me: “OK, well, what can you tell me about the product?” Customer: “Well, the box says ‘K-O-T-E-X’ - can you tell me what that is, honey? What it’s used for? I just can’t figure it out.” Me: Well, sir…that’s a feminine hygiene product.” Customer: “Feminine hygiene? What’s the product for? I just can’t figure it out.” Me: “Sir…it’s for women on their period.” Customer: “Why would my granddaughter buy me Kotex?” Me: “I don’t know sir, maybe you should ask her that.” Customer: “So can I still use them to stir my Kool-Aid with? Because that’s what I’ve been using them for.”



AWOLangel	Sat Apr 25, 2009 8:51 pm Post #8989
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	Another Darwin Awards Candidate Video Game Store \| Portugal (I’m working the night shift when suddenly a guy dressed in black with a mask over his head comes in. He pulls out a gun and comes heading my way. Without even thinking, I incapacitate him with a basic self-defense skill.) Customer: “HOLY S*! What the h* are you doing?” Me: “Sir, you were about to hold me up!” Customer: “What?” Me: “You came into the store with a mask over your head and gun in hand.” (At this point, I notice that the gun is a controller for a game. I let him go.) Me: “I’m very sorry about what just happened, sir. So you wanted that fixed, right?” Customer: “It’s… no big deal, can you fix it anyway?” Me: “Not a problem, sir.” (After checking the wiring and whatnot inside the gun, I find some faulty chipwork and fix it.) Me: “Here you go, sir.” Customer: “Thanks.” pays up Me: “Just one thing, though.” Customer: “Ah, yeah?” Me: “What’s with the mask?” Customer: “Sometimes, I like to pretend!” giggles and walks out (I never worked the night shift again.)



AWOLangel	Sat Apr 25, 2009 8:52 pm Post #8990
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	It’s A Low Maintenance Affair Retail \| Cleveland, OH, USA Me: “Happy Holidays! How can I help you today?” Customer: “Well, I need two gifts.” Me: “Okay, who are you shopping for and what did you have in mind?” Customer: “I need one for my wife, and one for my girlfriend. I got them the same thing last year, so we can just do that again.”



AWOLangel	Sat Apr 25, 2009 8:53 pm Post #8991
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	Maybe It Got Chuck Norris’d Computer Store \| Leesburg, VA, USA (A customer approaches the repair counter with a paper shopping bag, and I can hear stuff rattling around inside.) Customer: “I bought this computer here, and it’s broken. I want to return it.” (She dumps out the bag, and inside is a laptop that is broken completely in half.) Customer: “It was like this when I opened the box.” Me: “Okay… well, do you have the receipt, and the original packaging?” Customer: hands me a receipt Me: “Ma’am, this receipt is from three months ago.” Customer: “I know, I bought it three months ago but I just opened it today.” Me: “Well, do you have the original packaging?” Customer: “No, I threw it away.” Me: “So, let me get this straight. You opened the box, three months after buying the computer, and the laptop was broken in half, so you threw out the box?” Customer: “Yeah, I didn’t think I needed it.” Me: “I really don’t think you can return this.” Customer: “Alright, but you can fix it. It’s still got a manufacturer warranty.” Me: “I’m sorry, but manufacturer warranties don’t cover accidental damage, just defects.” Customer: “But it’s not accidental damage! It was like this when I bought it!” Me: “I find that really hard to believe, and so would anyone else. Nobody in their right mind would believe that it came out of the box like this.” Customer: “But why would I lie about that?” Me: “To get a free repair? I’m sorry, I just can’t do it. Your warranty does not cover accidental damage.” Customer: thinks for a moment “But what if it wasn’t an accident?” Me: “Excuse me?” Customer: “What if it wasn’t an accident? I did it on purpose. That’s not accidental damage.” Me: “…” Customer: “Hmmmmmmm?” Me: “Have a good day, ma’am.”



AWOLangel	Sat Apr 25, 2009 8:53 pm Post #8992
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	Parents, The Gateway Drug Video Rental Store \| Pennsylvania, USA (A man and woman with a 10-year old kid came up to my counter to rent Grand Theft Auto 4.) Me: “You know, this game is rated and M and generally not considered a good choice for young children.” Parent: “Yeah, so?” Me: “Just saying… some parents don’t know I just wanted to make sure.” Parent: “Pfft… like I care about that. You’re going to be a boring parent!”



AWOLangel	Sat Apr 25, 2009 8:54 pm Post #8993
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	It’s A Miracle She’s Still On The Ground… Retail \| Adelaide, Australia (A very angry customer storms up to the counter at the party shop I was working at.) Customer: “These balloons are no good! I spent all afternoon blowing them up, and none of them will float!” Me: “What did you fill them with?” Customer: “What do you mean? I just blew them up, and none of them will float.” Me: “Did you fill them with air or helium?” Customer: “Air.” Me: “They won’t float unless you use a helium tank.” Customer: “NO! Look, it says on the packet, ‘Helium Balloons’.” Me: “…”



AWOLangel	Sat Apr 25, 2009 8:55 pm Post #8994
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	Insanity Comes Through Loud And Clear Call Center \| Alberta, Canada (This guy called in and got the wrong department, and the correct department was in another city, or perhaps country.) Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t access your account from my department. If you’ll let me put you on hold, I’ll transfer you to someone who–” Customer: “No! Every time I get put on hold I get dropped.” Me: “Well, I can’t help you unless you let me put you–” Customer: “Stop interrupting me!” Me: “I… I’m not–” Customer: “Yes you are! Do we have to start using the over-and-out method?” Me: “I’m not sure what–” Customer: “After everything I say, I say ‘over’. Then you can talk. Then you say ‘over’, and I can talk.” Me: “I’m not really sure that’s nessec–” Customer: “Now, I need to put more minutes on my phone. Over.” Me: “I’m in the post-paid department and I can’t access Prepaid accounts here. If you’ll let me transfer you I can get someone who can help you. Over.” Customer: “No. I refuse to be put on hold. Just get someone to come over and use your phone.” (There is a long pause.) Customer: “…hello? Are you ignoring me?” another long pause “HELLOOOOOO!” Me: “…you didn’t say ‘over’.”



AWOLangel	Sat Apr 25, 2009 8:56 pm Post #8995
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	May We Suggest Hoobastink and Led Hindenburg Music Store \| Salt Lake City, UT, USA (I overhear this odd exchange while shopping at a local used music store. It takes place between the clerk and a woman with a heavy accent.) Customer: “I am looking for a CD of band called Wet Noodle.” Clerk: “Wet Noodle? I don’t think we have anything like…” Customer: “You have it! My grandson says he wants the CD of band Wet Noodle!” (The clerk searches for the band on his computer, to no avail.) Clerk: “I’m sorry, we don’t have any record of any products by a bad called Wet Noodle.” (I put one and one together and interject.) Me: “Ma’am, do you mean Limp Bizkit?” Customer: “Yes! Some band like Wet Noodle or Limp Bizkit or some food!” (The clerk gets the CDs for the lady, finishes her transaction and then turns to me.) Clerk, to me: “I’m giving you every discount I know of.” 1 Thumbs Up



AWOLangel	Sat Apr 25, 2009 8:56 pm Post #8996
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	Yeah, Definitely Contraindicated Pharmacy \| San Diego, CA, USA (A patient walks up to the pick up window looking like he just came from the emergency room.) Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you?” Customer: “I wanna drop this off…” hands me an ER prescription Me: “Sir, this is the pick up window. You need to drop off the prescription at the drop off window.” Customer: “Where’s that?” Me: “The counter at the entrance to the room with the big sign that says “Drop Off Window’.” Customer: “Where?” Me: “You know, you already waited in line so I’ll just take the prescription here. Have you ever had any medication here before?” Customer: “I don’t know, have I?” Me: “I’ll take that as a no. Do you have any allergies to medication?” Customer: “Well, when I mix heroin and battery acid, I get a rash.” Me: “… I’ll make a note on that.”



VioletCloud	Sat Apr 25, 2009 10:03 pm Post #8997
Water Tribe! Posts: 18,370 Group: Admin Member #1,331 Joined: October 14, 2007	AWOLangel Apr 25 2009, 07:36 PM from notalwaysright.com Who’s Got The Power Now, Part 2 Power Company \| Auckland, New Zealand Caller: “I don’t care what your little book says, put my f*ing power on!” Me: “I can’t do that for you unless you pay your debt in full, sir.” Caller: “Why are you being a b about this? Just let it slide!” Me: “We’ve been letting it slide for months, sir. You now owe us in excess of a thousand dollars. Our rules are very clear: we are not to reconnect your power until you pay your debt.” Caller: “F* you! I’m going to kill you! I’m going to come to your house and kill you!” Me: “The difference between you and me, sir, is that I know where YOU live.” Caller: click
	All my posts are done from my tablet. I apologize for all strange errors in my posts... as swype hates me.


Gummy	Sun Apr 26, 2009 1:28 am Post #8998
Me in 10 years^^^ Posts: 29,655 Group: Nu Trek Nirvana Member #706 Joined: July 23, 2007	I gotta give AWOL credit. She uses long posts to spam with. I only use my smilie extras to boost my post count.



AWOLangel	Sun Apr 26, 2009 11:12 am Post #8999
Posts: 36,542 Group: DS9 Nirvana Member #25 Joined: January 17, 2006	to each their own spam BTW page 600!



Purplelizard2006	Sun Apr 26, 2009 11:48 am Post #9000
It's Christmas! Posts: 10,969 Group: TNG 10000 post spammer Member #53 Joined: June 17, 2006	AWOLangel Apr 25 2009, 10:27 PM if this is about daniel then; oh yes James Spader/Alan Shore!
	I'm the biker babe!


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