 Wanted: New forum members! Do you have the right stuff to be an arch-angel member? Must be:
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| Tweet Topic Started: Thu Sep 27, 2007 7:29 am (68,988 Views) | |
| AWOLangel | Tue Jun 16, 2009 4:06 pm Post #20741 |
 
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Do Not Mix: Empty Threats & Loaded Barrels Firearms Store | San Bernardino, CA, USA Customer: “Hello, I’m looking to get a handgun like this one.” (The customer holds up a picture from the movie ‘Wanted’.) Me: “All righty, we’ll have to order that one for you, but we can have it to you in a few weeks.” Customer: “WHAT?! I NEED THE GUN BY NEXT WEEK! CAN’T YOU GET ME THE GUN BY NEXT WEEK?!” Me: “You’ll have to deal with the waiting period, anyway. What exactly do you need it for so quickly?” Customer: *suddenly calm again* “Me and my friend are going to curve a bullet around his head for a YouTube video.” Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t sell you a gun then. All you’ll do is kill your buddy and go to jail.” Customer: “YOU’RE GOING TO GET ME THE GUN, OR I’M GOING TO TALK TO THE MANAGER!” (The manager, who was in the room behind the counter, walks out with a shotgun on his shoulder.) Manager: “You’re in my store, where I have literally hundreds of guns and thousands of rounds of ammunition. Are you really that stupid?” (The customer looks around at the guns like he hadn’t noticed them before, and runs out of the store as my co-worker walks up.) Co-worker: “I love working here.” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Jun 16, 2009 4:08 pm Post #20742 |
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Last Line Says It All Tech Support | Sarasota, FL, USA Customer: “My computer won’t do anything.” Me: “Okay, can you try rebooting it?” Customer: “You want me to turn off my mouse?” Me: “No, I want you to reboot your computer.” Customer: “You want me to turn off my monitor?” Me: “Um, no. I want you to reboot your computer, the tower. Customer: “Which one is that?” Me: “The big box on the ground…the thing you put CDs into.” Customer: “Oh, okay hang on…it’s still not working.” Me: “Okay, what’s it doing?” Customer: “It’s asking me to put in my password but nothing’s working.” Me: “Hmm, do you have a wireless keyboard and mouse?” Customer: “How can I tell?” Me: “Pick up your keyboard.” Customer: “Okay.” Me: “Do you see a cable attached to it?” Customer: “No.” Me: “Okay, you have a wireless keyboard. Try replacing the batteries. Is your mouse working?” Customer: “How can I tell?” Me: “When you move the mouse do you see the cursor move?” Customer: “No I just see an arrow move.” Me: “Well then, your mouse is working.” (Real Estate agents, possibly the dumbest users on earth.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Jun 16, 2009 4:08 pm Post #20743 |
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D For Dumb Enough To Deserve A Drink Bar | Indiana, USA (I work as a bouncer in a bar and check all IDs at the door. Indiana IDs don’t include a middle name, just an initial.) Me: “What’s your full name?” Customer: “Joe D. Smith.” Me: “What’s your middle name?” Customer: “DANGER!” (I let him in.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Jun 16, 2009 4:09 pm Post #20744 |
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It Cuts Both Ways Electrical Store | Middlesbrough, UK Me: “Hi, can I help you?” Man: “Yes, I want half of my money back on this camera.” Me: “I’m sorry? Is there something wrong with it?” Man: “No, it’s fine. But I want half of my money back.” Me: “Half of your money? I’m not sure I understand…” Man: “Look, I bought this camera about 6 weeks ago, and now it’s on a half price offer. So I want half of my money back.” Me: “Err, sorry, but I’m afraid I can’t do that.” Man: “So get someone who can!” (I pop off to grab the manager, and explain the situation to him.) Manager: “Good afternoon, Sir. **** has explained your problem to me, and I’m afraid he’s right, we can’t refund this difference to you. The item is on sale now; it wasn’t when you bought it.” Man: “This is ridiculous! You’re ripping me off! Why won’t you give me my money back?” Manager: “Let me ask you this–if the camera was now twice as expensive, would you come back here and pay us the extra money?” Man: “Of course not, I’m not stupid!” Manager: “And neither am I, Sir. Good day!” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Jun 16, 2009 4:27 pm Post #20745 |
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Mind Games With The Mindless Retail | Littleton, CO, USA (I work in a few different departments, so it’s not uncommon for me to see the same customer twice…) Me: “How are you today, folks?” Man: “We’re just fine.” (We chat for a moment, then I walk 20 feet over to our paint counter. About 5 minutes passes and the same customer passes me.) Man: “You know, you look like the guy that talked to us over in fitness.” Me: *grinning* “Yes sir, that was my stunt double.” (The man walks away with a confused look on his face.) Coworker: “You know, you’d really blow his mind if you met him at the front door.” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Jun 16, 2009 4:28 pm Post #20746 |
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When ET Invades, Resistance Will Be Minimal tech support | Nashville, TN, USA (A customer called in because she did not remember her password to one of our on-line applications. For federal reasons, we have to verify identity, usually with their birth date and/or some part of their social security number before we can reset a password.) Me: “Alright ma’am, I just need to know your birth date.” Customer: “How am I supposed to know that?” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Jun 16, 2009 4:29 pm Post #20747 |
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Procrastinology, B.S. College | Bloomington, IN, USA Dorm resident: “Hi. What’s the policy on moving out? When do we have to be out by?” Me: “Saturday morning by 10 AM, at the latest. We’d really prefer if you could make arrangements to be out sooner, though.” Dorm resident: “Well…what about later than that?” Me: “I’m sorry, that’s not possible. We’re starting a rather large remodeling project that’s on a very tight schedule. They need to get started that morning. If you are here past 10, you’ll be charged the improper checkout fee.” Dorm resident: “So…what about, like, 10:30?” Me: “Uhh…that’s later than 10, isn’t it? If you want to get very technical about it, you’d be guilty of trespassing at that point, and the police would be helping you move out.” (For the record, that’s not entirely true, but we’ve been encouraged to say that to convince the little darlings to get out.) Dorm resident: “Well, that’s just not fair! What if it’s an emergency?” Me: “You’re planning to have an emergency over a week in advance?” Dorm resident: “F**k you.” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Jun 16, 2009 4:29 pm Post #20748 |
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Strange Ambitions Coffee Shop | Vancouver, BC, Canada Me: “Good morning, sir, what can I get for you?” Customer: “Ehhh…I’ll have a coffee.” Me: “Excellent choice, sir. What kind of coffee? Our menu’s up there on the board if you’d like, or perhaps our house coffee?” Customer: “What other kind of COFFEE is there? This IS a coffee shop, right?” Me: “Well sir, we are a specialty coffee shop, and have many different varieties. If you’d like–” Customer: “NO! This is so STUPID! Why would anyone bother having DIFFERENT kinds of coffee!” Me: “…” Customer: “Ha ha! Just kidding. I always wanted to do that.” (He skips out of the store. Yes, skipped. Keep in mind this is a middle-aged man.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Jun 16, 2009 4:31 pm Post #20749 |
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We Can Also Give It Lots Of Benadryl Drugstore | Ames, IA, USA (Our new drugstore was assigned a phone number that had previously belonged to the animal shelter. We ALWAYS answered the phone with our store name and hours, but people don’t always listen. This became annoying, but one of my coworkers liked to have fun with it.) Caller: “Uh, yeah. I have this raccoon in my backyard.” Bill: “Hmm…that’s nice.” Caller: “Yeah, well it seems to be acting strangely…like it’s crazy.” Bill: “What do you want ME to do about it?” Caller: “Well, you should do your job and come out and get rid of it! Isn’t that why I pay my taxes?” Bill: “Okay then. Give me your address.” Caller: *gives out address* Bill: “Alright, after I close the drugstore I’ll be over with my shotgun around midnight. There will be a loud noise, so warn your neighbors. Since I don’t work for your taxes, just tape a $20 bill inside your mailbox, more if you want a fancy burial. Have a nice day!” *click* |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Jun 16, 2009 4:31 pm Post #20750 |
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Dumbest. Question. Ever. BBQ Restaurant | Vancouver, BC, Canada Customer: “So the pork…is that like, fish?” Me: “Noo…it’s like, pig.” Customer: “Oh.” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Jun 16, 2009 4:32 pm Post #20751 |
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Thomas Jefferson, Colonial Hippie Retail | Shiloh, IL, USA (A lady wants to make a credit card payment with a temporary check, which is not accepted at the store I work at. It goes all the way up to the top manager in the store and the exchange of words is glorious:) Manager: “How may I help you?” Customer: “Yes, this lady told me you can’t accept temporary checks?” Manager: “Yes ma’am, unfortunately in the past we’ve had trouble cashing those checks. It’s nothing against you personally, but based on past problems we can’t accept temporary checks.” Customer: “So let me get this straight? You treat everyone exactly the same way?” Manager: “Uh…yes.” Customer: “Well if this place isn’t run by a bunch of stupid liberals!” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Jun 16, 2009 4:32 pm Post #20752 |
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The Gall To Call A Small A Tall Coffee Shop | Southlake, TX, USA (I work in a coffee place that has “special” names for their sizes. Since no one can ever get them right, I just started saying small, medium and large to make it easier.) Customer: “I’ll have a vanilla latte please.” Me: “Sure. Would you like the large?” Customer: “Yeah. That’s the small, right?” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Jun 16, 2009 4:33 pm Post #20753 |
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Someone Who Actually Lives Under A Rock Restaurant | Atlanta, GA, USA (A man has been waiting for a table at a full restaurant for 15 minutes. A family of four walks in with reservations and is immediately seated. The man approaches the hostess.) Man: “I’ve been waiting here for 15 minutes. Why were they seated before me?” Hostess: “I’m sorry, sir, but they called to reserve a table.” Man: “What, just because they called they get a table right when they come in?” Hostess: “Yes, sir, they called ahead to reserve a table.” Man: “Well, that’s dumb! So if I go outside and call can I come back in and get a table right now?” Hostess: “No sir, I’m sorry, but we require at least a couple hours notice for reservations.” Man: “Well that’s G** d*** stupid! So he calls and gets a table right away, but I can’t call and get a table? What the h*** is wrong with this place?” *man storms out* |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Jun 16, 2009 4:33 pm Post #20754 |
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Your Urgency Is Not My Emergency Police Dispatcher | Kirkland, WA, USA Me: “9-1-1, what’s your emergency?” 9-1-1 caller: “My phone’s been shut off and the only number I can call is 9-1-1.” Me: “Are you calling about your phone being shut off or do you have an emergency?” 9-1-1 caller: “My phone. I paid my bill. It should be working.” Me: “You’ll have to take that up with the phone company.” 9-1-1 caller: “Well, can you tell them to turn it back on? I paid my bill.” Me: “No, you’ll need to contact them. This is the police department and this is an emergency line. I’m going to have to disconnect the call. You need to contact the phone company to get your phone turned back on.” 9-1-1 caller: “But my phone’s not working! I need it fixed now!” Me: “I’m sorry. This is the police department. We can’t fix your phone. You’ll need to hang up and contact your phone company. We can’t do anything about your phone.” 9-1-1 caller: “Well that’s not right! I need help. My phone isn’t working and what if I need it? What if I have an emergency?” Me: “You just dialed 9-1-1.” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Jun 16, 2009 4:34 pm Post #20755 |
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Honey, You Don’t Know The Half Of It Restaurant | Chicago, IL, USA (I was helping out a fellow co-worker by serving about three people at of her tables some decaf. At this point, the pitcher was half full.) Me: “Is there anything else I can get for you?” (The customer takes a sip of the decaf, makes a face, and SPITS IT OUT all over the table.) Old Man: “Excuse me!” Me: “What seems to be the problem, sir?” Old Man: “You’re almost out of coffee. Do you know what this means?” Me: “…that I have to make another pot?” Old Man: “I taste coffee bean residue in here. I require that you give me another pitcher.” Me: “No problem, sir…” (I go and fetch the other decaf pitcher, which is also half full.) Me: “Will this one do, sir?” Old Man: “What is with you people trying to give me the bottom of the pitcher? I’M NOT A BOTTOM MAN!” (I immediately ran back to the kitchen and laughed for about 10 minutes.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Jun 16, 2009 5:49 pm Post #20756 |
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Well Played, Indeed Fast Food | North Dakota, USA (This is a friend’s experience while working at a popular fast food place on the overnight shift.) Employee: “Thanks for calling, how may I help you?” Customer: “Hi. I came through drive-thru earlier tonight, and there’s something wrong with my food.” Employee: “Um, okay…what’s wrong exactly?” Customer: “Well, I ordered ***, and there was a used condom on the sandwich.” Employee, holding in a laugh: “Sir, that’s impossible. We don’t practice safe sex here.” Customer: “Well played.” *hangs up* |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Jun 16, 2009 5:51 pm Post #20757 |
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Geez, I Wonder How It Broke Computer Repair Shop | Mount Laurel, NJ, USA (Man walks up to repair counter and puts computer on the counter.) Man: “I need to get this fixed.” Me: “Okay, if you can just start by filling out these forms, I’ll plug in the unit in and see what’s up.” Man: “It just doesn’t turn on at all anymore.” (At this point I can’t help but notice the bay of connectors on the system appears to have been KICKED in. My co-worker notices this and silently laughs.) Me: “Sir, I’m afraid that the system is physically damaged, and our warranties don’t cover this. I can price up a non-warranty repair if you like, but it’s likely to be pricey because the logic board appears to have been, er, cracked.” Man: “WHAT?! What in the **** are you talking about?” Me: “As you can see there is a large dent in the back of the unit, and it has damaged the logic board.” Man: “Well I didn’t ****ing do that, it must’ve happened in the ****ing car! I had to stop hard and it slid off the ****ing seat.” Co-worker: “Actually, sir, it seems as if it was damaged by impact, such as a boot, or a hammer. Regardless, even if that were the case and it did happen in the car, it’s still non-covered physical damage.” Man: “That’s ****ing bull****! It didn’t work before that happened in the ****ing car like I’m telling you it did, so you need to fix it!” Me: “I’m afraid that any type of physical damage voids your warranty.” Man: “So what the **** are you telling me?!” Co-worker: “Well, we could fix it, but it’s likely more cost-effective to buy a new system.” (The man, showing clear anger-management issues (which we assume is what happened), shoves the computer over causing it to slam down and the side to break.) Man: “SO WHAT DID I BUY A ****ING WARRANTY FOR?!” Co-worker: “Well, sir, as we said, physical damage isn’t covered by the warranty…and now we have the cause of physical damage on the camera too.” Man: “Oh **** this **** and **** all of you.” (Man picks up computer and walks over to the customer service counter, slamming it down on that counter, causing more damage. He demands to speak to a manager, who told him the same thing we did.) Man, suddenly shouting: “**** this ****ing place to ****ing hell. I’m gonna ****ing sue the **** outta y’all!” (The man storms out, leaving his computer at the counter.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Jun 16, 2009 5:52 pm Post #20758 |
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Sophocles, World’s First Toilet Humorist Bookstore | Houston, TX, USA (It was summer reading time for the high schoolers near our store. This girl comes in, smacking her gum and looking rather bored.) Girl: “I need this book, it’s called… something like Ode to Pus or something.” Me: “Ode… to Pus?” Girl: “Yeah its by some guy named So-fo-Kulls?” Me:“You mean… you need to read Oedipus by Sophocles?” Girl: “Yeah, yeah. Ode to Pus by that guy.” (I’ve never laughed so hard in my entire life.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Jun 16, 2009 5:55 pm Post #20759 |
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Creative Ways To Use Google Earth Call Center | Tampa, FL, USA Me: “Thank you for calling [bank], may I please have your 16-digit account number?” Customer: “I can’t.” Me: “That’s fine, may I please have your SS number so I’m able to find you?” Customer: “No!” Me: “How can I help you today?” Customer: “I need my balance right now!” Me: “Okay, I can help you with that, but I need to be able to look you up in the computer. Do you have your account number or your social security number?” Customer: “I’m on a cell phone. I can’t give you that, it’s not SECURE!” Me: “Umm…okay? Would you like to call us back on a land line so that your call is more ’secure’?” Customer: “I’m busy! Can’t you just give me my balance?” Me: “I can as soon as I’m able to look you up in the computer. How would you like me to do that?” Customer: “I’m not going to do your job for you! Now tell me my balance!” (At this point, I’ve had enough.) Me: “Okay, sir. Do you have your credit card with you?” Customer: “Yes.” Me: “Can you please take it out of your wallet and hold it above your head?” Customer: “Okay, I’m doing that.” Me: “Thank you, may I please put you on hold while I contact NASA to move the satellite to your location and send us a picture?” Customer: “Okay, just don’t take too long about it!” (I place the customer on hold and go on break. Surprisingly, he’s still there when I get back.) Me: “I’m sorry sir, we were unable to read the picture. Did you move at all?” Customer: “Yeah, I put it back in my wallet.” Me: “Okay, that’s the problem. Could you please just read it to me so I can look up your balance?” Customer: “NO, I TOLD YOU I’M ON A CELL PHONE AND IN A HURRY!” *customer hangs up* (My boss didn’t know if I should be fired or given a award.) |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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| AWOLangel | Tue Jun 16, 2009 5:55 pm Post #20760 |
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Weight Watchers Rejects Pizza | Waco, TX, USA Lady: “How many slices come on the 8-inch pizza?” Waiter: “Well usually we cut it into 6, but we can make it four, or eight or ten. Whatever you want.” Lady: “Better just make it six…I don’t think I can eat more than six slices.” |
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All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.--Abraham Lincoln | |
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