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(Updated when the fancy strikes us)
"I do not think there is any thrill that can go through the human heart like that felt by the inventor as he sees some creation of the brain unfolding to success... such emotions make a man forget food, sleep, friends, love, everything." - Nikola Tesla
Tohea is in archive mode, but the legend lives on. |
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| Nisie's Journey | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jul 2 2008, 07:43 PM (304 Views) | |
| Trainer Kitten | Jul 2 2008, 07:43 PM Post #1 |
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Team Ultima - Trainer
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Oh the wonderful town of Tohea. You see wonderful beaches big buildings and the ocean. You see several Wingulls flying over the ocean. You see several Magikarp splashing about and a lot of other sea creatures. Even Krabby was walking around on the beach side blowing bubbles. There where some Seel on the other side of the ocean on some land that was far away from the town but you are still able to make out them. Shellder where also blowing bubbles like the Krabby. If you look carefully you might even see some of the evolutions of the Pokémon but that is only if your lucky and you do see them. You can even see some Wailmer jumping in the air in the deeper part of the ocean along with Carvanha. Maybe you will be able to catch some of them with your trusty partner Finneon but for now you can just explore the town and look at your new home. You won't see that many Pokémon unless you go down the dark alleys. So your journey has begun what shall you do? |
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| Deleted User | Jul 2 2008, 09:10 PM Post #2 |
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"It's surely a seaside." She said as she watched the beautiful sea and waves bumping the corals and made a beautiful sparkle of water. She wanted to caught the seel that's standing on the other side of the ocean. But she can't wet her shirt since she just took a bath and it's still new. "Fine, let's look around the town." She called for the Finneon on her pokeball. She can't let it out because it's a fish Pokémon. It could levitate for a while, but it can't last long. She sighed and looked around the new house and the new town. "Mom made it this far for the contest. I don't think we should disturb her again. Let's go Finee. Let's explore that dark alley over there." She said as she ran back home. She opened the door. New furnitures are being added to the rooms. Machokes are helping her mother moving the tables, chairs, desk, Tvs and other furnitures get into the house. Carefully, she walked to the upstairs and get into her room. Supplying the bag with enough change of clothes, Pokémon food, her own food, first aid kit, and other things she need for a survival journey. Once she's ready, she grabbed the bag, ran back to the first floor, tightening her shoes and slammed the door. Running out and went to the cave without any pray from her mother. She know that it would worry her more if she went without saying goodbye. But however, her mom knows that she'd been traveling a lot. And this time is just a same journey as before. Only the challenges are different. And so, she took her first step inside the dark alley. Facing the challenges waited for her. |
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| Shockwave | Jul 5 2008, 08:36 AM Post #3 |
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If we're all God's children, why is Jesus so special?
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You walked down the ally with Finneon's Pokeball very close to your hand in case anything bad were to happen. Down a dark ally, you just didn't know what was going to happen next. There could possibly be a thief at the end of this ally just waiting to jump you and steal your money and your Finneon and everything else of value. Fortunately for you, this wasn't the case, this time at least. You continued to walk, keeping your eyes peeled and your ears open for any sign of a Pokémon. None had appeared yet though there did seem to be an unusual amount of rubbish down this ally and yet not enough trash cans. How odd. Suddenly you heard a hissing coming from behind you, almost similar to that of a cat's. Looking behind you, you saw nothing or no-one. You continued to walk and the hissing grew louder. Again you looked behind you and yet there was nothing behind you. It was quite unnerving to not know what was making such a noise. You continued to walk and the hissing was louder, much louder this time. Almost as if whatever was directly behind you, you looked but there was nothing there. You looked down with a sigh of relief and there it was! The thing that had been making the noise. You were in its territory and it was acting very hostile towards you, either get Finneon or be prepared to run very fast! Lv. 6
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| Deleted User | Jul 5 2008, 06:43 PM Post #4 |
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Deleted User
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She walked down the dark alley with fears and scared feelings. Though she did wanted to explore, she was actually afraid for ghost types. And as she walked, she heard the noises from a cat hissing which was belong to a Glameow that stood behind her with a glare. Looks like it's mad because she stepped inside it's territory. In a flash, she tossed the white and red ball on her hand in order to summon her believed partner. Finne the Finneon. "Finne! Headbutt attack!" She commanded. The fish was floating in the air as it was out from the pokeball. Hearing her commands, it nodded and was falling head first to perform the headbutt attack. + Taste this!+ It shouted as it aimed for the furry cat with it's head butting attack. |
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| Deleted User | Jul 9 2008, 11:03 AM Post #5 |
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Cat vs Fish? Seriously? True, it was the feline's territory, but how could it be mad at you for just walking into the area it "owned?" Honestly to me the creature looks completely harmless, besides the fact of those scary-looking claws it has. Finneon's appearance was suddenly shaded by the feline pouncing to it as soon as it came out of the poké ball. With this sudden attack, glameow was able to fake out the opponent from the start. Always a good strategy. Not wanting to let the opponent get the upper hand, the rather ferocious cat began to playfully pat the fishy around. It'd like the creature was playing with its food. Glameow licked its lips, ejecting the claws it had hidden within its paws, slashing into the side of Finneon. At this point, the little fish had become aware of what was going on, and was scared to hell about it. In a last dash attempt, the fish now tried to launch its headbutt. Quickly jolting forward, the creature was now ready to strike into the for, but could barely even make it all the way with the pain it was encountering. Having slight lacerations in its side, the fish was barely even able to pull out the energy to attack. Projecting its head forward, finneon was able to slightly damage glameow, who seemed to be waiting for this attack. As soon as finneon rammed into her, the cat flipped backwards, grabbing the fish with its hind legs. At this point, glameow was in control, and probably about to eat its lunch. Lv.6 ![]() 37/37 92% Lv.5 27/35 85%
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| Deleted User | Jul 9 2008, 07:23 PM Post #6 |
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"I could say nothing that OMG." She gasped and panicked when she saw that her partner Finneon was about to be eaten by the glorious(?) cat. But Finneon aren't fish actually. It was a Pokémon. Not a "fish". It can't be eaten that easily since it got a strong skin and scales. Perhaps if the Glameow bite it, It's teeth would broke. She gave a glad sigh knowing that Finneon aren't "real" fish. But this condition was still a bad one for Finne can't run away or hide. Not even attacking back. She got to do something. Quick. Finneon can't use water gun yet. It's only move is just pound and any other common attacks as tackle, headbutt, etc. "I don't know if it could work, pound at the eyes!" She commanded. Hoping that Finneon would understand what she was aiming for. Finneon struggled to break free. It was aiming for a pound attack so it the cat would at least flee a few meters from it. It struggled really hard. + Just a bit. Just a bit...My tail...+ |
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| Deleted User | Jul 11 2008, 03:45 PM Post #7 |
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(Your grammar isn't really acceptable, not to mention you have broken sentences. I'll warn you now, but please try and proof-read your writing before submitting it.) Sure, Finneon isn't exactly a fish, per say, but it is one of the choice things on a Glameow's diet, come to think about it. It's kind of like a nature thing including a rather gruesome food chain. But when things get hungry, they eat. And probably eat a lot. Truly unfortunate, but that's life. Trying to obey your rather confusing commands, Finneon took to the offensive side of this battle. The poor little fish was caught in the jaws of a rather vicious foe, but it seemed to have some sort of movement left in its tail. As Finneon flailed in his attempt to escape, it became clear to the wild Glameow that this would not be an easy lunch. Lifting a paw from its little dinner, the cat was ready to slash into the side of the fish, hopefully stopping its movement completely. Out of no where, a multicolored tail (that looked more like a wing) slapped into the approaching paw, causing Glameow to release its trapped prey. Floating around the air, Finneon tried to recover himself despite being nearly eaten by a rather vicious enemy. In little to no time, the Wing Fish pokémon spun around again, trying as hard as it could to do some damage with its rather flimsy tail. Not exactly the wanted result. Running is a viable option. Lv.6 ![]() 34/37 90% Lv.5 ![]() 24/35 79% |
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| Deleted User | Jul 12 2008, 01:34 AM Post #8 |
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(I didn't use english here, say, why don't you tell me where's wrong so i know? Don't just tell me it's wrong. Tell me where so i can repair ^^) Running is not her style. When they battle, they battled. "Try and hit it!" She commanded. Pokémon didn't eat their own. In fact, they can't eat their own. Finneon would be fine since Glameow can't eat it. Though it would be able to hurt it. Pokémon could eat human, but human can't eat Pokémon. As well as Pokémon can't eat their own. Pokémon eat other meat. Fish but not fish Pokémon. They're a strange creature. They are... Finneon nodded. What's so confusing? Her commands are clear. Pound attack on the eyes. It didn't even know what happen to it when it got confused. Perhaps some ghost control it's mind for a while. Making it felt mad to itself. Finneon flew and aimed it's head to the foe. Hoping that this time, the cat would flinch and it got the second chance to attack with another headbutt. |
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| Deleted User | Jul 13 2008, 09:29 AM Post #9 |
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(Nisie-chan, don't let me get to your progressing ability, but it seems to be horribly lacking. I'd be more than happy to help you, but it's just that we (staff) shouldn't have to fix everyone's post for them. This time, I'll be nice and help, but don't expect it to happen again. Running is not her style. When they battle, they battled. "Try and hit it!" She commanded. Pokémon didn't eat their own. In fact, they can't eat their own. Finneon would be fine since Glameow can't eat it. Though it would be able to hurt it. Pokémon could eat human, but human can't eat Pokémon. As well as Pokémon can't eat their own. Pokémon eat other meat. Fish but not fish Pokémon. They're a strange creature. They are... Finneon nodded. What's so confusing? Her commands are clear. Pound attack on the eyes. It didn't even know what happen to it when it got confused. Perhaps some ghost control it's mind for a while. Making it felt mad to itself. Finneon flew and aimed it's head to the foe. Hoping that this time, the cat would flinch and it got the second chance to attack with another headbutt. That's your post, allow me to help you re-write it. First off, it doesn't have a subject. We'd assume you're speaking of Nisie-shi, but not entirely sure. I understand what you're aiming for- to not look repetitive by using Nisie-shi over and and over again, but it's alright to use it at least once. Here's a solid example:
That's a good opening sentence, but it's hard to jump into a whole new thought of launching dialog in there just after stating that. Perhaps elaborating on why she isn't a quitter, or why she didn't/wouldn't run would help. A good 3-4 more sentences would make it a complete paragraph, as long as they were or reasonable length. (About 12-15 words.) The next part is commands. Honestly, I find that everyone around here likes to just say "Pikachu go use thunderbolt." Which is perhaps the most tedious thing I could every read. Not sure how many people have the same look on this as me, but still, I try and break that boring chain of commands by giving indirect orders with a strategy. It may not always be effective, but it's better than saying "Magnemite use thundershock!" Now, I'm not saying you did this, which you didn't, but I suggest for adding a bite more than "Try and hit it!" For the sole reason that that is really not a command. Something like:
That particular dialog didn't exactly improve from the basic stuff that people write, so I don't suggest you use it, but extend onto it. The rest of your post was redundant thought, which doesn't even meet Tohea's standards. First off, horrible as it sounds, Pokémon do eat other pokémon. It's the way of life; everything's a big food chain. Instead of just throwing text there for text's sake, try and go on about what you wanted Finneon to do. Mods aren't exactly well-trained analysts, and really can't decipher cryptic commands. I have personally felt the effects of giving indirect commands and not elaborating them out in later paragraphs. The end result isn't good, especially if it's a dire situation. I'm not going to tell you what to say, but you should really think of something that's a bit more meaningful than collaborated, un-italicized thoughts. From what I'm picking up, you're trying to do a third person style of writing. In the third person, you basically are the narrator of the actions and characters. While writing in third person, you cannot just throw the characters thoughts into the writing and hope that they are accepted. The way I look at posts, dialog, and individual thoughts do not add toward the required 2 paragraphs. When I read a post, I check for redundancy, grammatical errors, and the length you are able to throw out. Now, don't think I'm expecting you to write a killer long post, (although it would be nice) because when faced in a situation that you are, honestly, even I find it hard to dish out something that's barely above the minimum. With that, I really hope that I helped you enhance your ability and hope to see better posts coming from you. Your request of a referee was deleted due to the fact that is is more or less a ref. Edit your previous post with this reply's help and I'd be glad to edit this post with a reply to that.) |
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5:52 PM Jul 10
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Lv. 6
37/37
92%
Lv.5
5:52 PM Jul 10