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Exer's Training
Tweet Topic Started: Nov 18 2006, 11:09 PM (771 Views)
Exer Nov 21 2006, 09:54 PM Post #16
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The Playboy Knight
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Posts:
1,615
Group:
Player
Member
#1,304
Joined:
October 30, 2006
Character Title
Zackary Joel Ortega
Ref Post 1:



As you found your way onto Route 3, you immediately notice the trees hovering above you. Trees were in almost every direction you looked, if you had looked up you could see some of the sky. The sky was of a deep blue color with a few clouds floating around in it. The clouds had seemed to take pretty interesting shapes, and were passing by at fast speeds. The sun was also out, and shining greatly, as it's rays illuminated anything in sight. The weather was warm and slightly windy, but there would also be a few slight cool breezes every now and then.

The route itself was made out of dirt and trees which kept the route even more noticeable, since trees were on both sides of the dirt path. The route itself was beautiful, and anyone who walked on it, felt special to be walking in such a beautiful place. If you kept silent you could hear some animals or Pokemon in the background. There were cricket chirps and some bird calls comming in from every direction.

As you slowly got fed up with the route and it's scarcity of Pokemon, you were on the verge of just giving up on the route in general. You would then probably enter the city of Kaadara with no new Pokemon in your hands. Right before you finally had given up, a small little insect Pokemon made it's way across the dirt path. Choosing to use your Pokedex would be a wise decision at the moment.

:Wurmple :female
Lv. 5

Were you going to just sit and watch as the Pokemon left or go after it? It was all in your hands now.



Ref Post 2:



As you made your way down the famous route 3, which connected Riverwood and Kaadara, you noticed that you haven't seen a single Pokemon since you entered the route. Route 3 wasn't just famous for connecting the cities of Riverwood and Kaadara, because it had also connected to Routes 4, 5 and 7. Although the route you were on was famous for all the places that it would lead to, your mind was set on one thing, a Pokemon, or Kaadara.

As you continued to walk down the famous route, you heard some voices comming from a little far off distance. You wondered who it was, and for the worse of it all your curiosity got to you. The voices had started to drift off a bit, which had meant that the people who were talking, were on the move. To catch up to them, you had to run, but run very quietly.

The thought of other humans made you smile, since the fact that you haven't had any contact or communication with a human for quite awhile. The closer and closer you got, the more adrenaline would come to you. As your rush of adrenaline started to get the best of you, you hadn't noticed the difference in the dirt path. Before you knew it, you had fallen into a pit.

The pit was about 10 feet deep and 8 feet wide. It had looked like it was dug up for a large party of people, too bad it was just him. He then wondered why anyone would even dig up a hole in the middle of the dirt path. Whatever he thought he knew, he knew that the people who did it, sure must've had too much too many time on their hands.

The voices from earlier had stopped, and in a matter of seconds, people had arrived at the foot of the pit, laughing maniacally. It seems as if you had fallen into a trap. You couldn't tell who it was, but you could hear the voices saying something along the lines of, "Team" and "Rocket."

What were you going to do now?



Ref Post 3:



Route 3, one of the most used routes of all. It was known for it's many connections to many other routes and the cities of Kaadara and Riverwood. It was also known for it's beauty amongst other things. Too bad you could've cared less on what it was known for. All you had cared about, was finding a Pokemon.

As you made your way down the dirt path of Route 3, you had noticed an object in the air. You didn't realize it, until it came no more then a few feet away from you. It was a flying Pokemon named Pidgeotto. The bird soared through the sky as if it was made just for that purpose. It had seemed elegant, but yet it seemed like it also had that sense of cockyness to it.

:pidgeotto :male
Lv. 9

You watched the bird for a few seconds just flying around, until the bird had flown out of your site. It was then that you decided to follow it, in hopes of catching the Pokemon. The faster it flew, the faster you ran. You ran until you couldn't run anymore, which was lucky and unlucky for you because the Pokemon had landed. The lucky part, was that you didn't have to run anymore. The unlucky part, was that it had seemed like the Pokemon had already belonged to someone.

The Pidgeotto was sitting on a teenage boy's arm. The boy had short black hair, blue jeans, a black vest, white T-shirt and black tennis shoes. He seemed like he was around the height of 5'7" and was somewhat skinny. The boy hadn't noticed you at first, that is, until you took your next step towards them. The boy's eyes had darted towards you in a matter of seconds. He also seemed to have that cockyness attitude to him, just as his Pidgeotto did.

The boy then walked over to you smirking. He held out his hand, in means of shaking yours. "Names Ray, you seem like a trainer yourself....wanna battle my Pokemon with yours?" It had seemed like the boy named Ray was setting up a challenge with you. If you accepted it or not, that was your decision...
 
Deleted User Nov 22 2006, 04:28 PM Post #17
Deleted User

You first ref is good, good description and a nice way to introduce a pokemon.

The second ref, first paragraph, you over emphasize the "famous route" bit. A couple of times you basically repeat the same thing about the route but in seperate sentances. I know you need length in a post, but its best to try and do so without being too repeditive. Also in the second ref, you take a little to much control over the character. You have to take into account the characters past and personality when you make a post. Go back and look at the profile of your "member", and tell me if you think he'd smile at the voice of humans or get caught in a trap so easily. You can still use the trap thing, and the team rocket plot, you just have to try and introduce it in a way that the character would fall for. :)

Same for the third post. You don't know if the character would want to catch the pokemon or not, so its best not to say that he ran after it in hopes of catching it. Refs control everything, but the character him/herself. And its best to try and not assume to much control over them. Lastly, Pidgy dosn't evolve to Pidgeotto until level 18. Stick to those levels to evolutions, and not to introduce evolutions that are at lower levels than they should be.

How about we try again?

Heero walked along the route, hands in his pockets. Either he didn't notice the chill wind blowing, or simply uncaring, there wasn't a trace of even a single goosebump on his barearms. Besides him paced his houndour, the same watchful expression shared between pokemon and master. Both were looking for one thing, another pokemon to battle, and perhaps, catch.
 
Exer Nov 22 2006, 07:46 PM Post #18
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The Playboy Knight
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Posts:
1,615
Group:
Player
Member
#1,304
Joined:
October 30, 2006
Character Title
Zackary Joel Ortega
[I'm sorry if this isn't what you are looking for.]

Ref Post 1:

It was in the middle of the afternoon as you and your Pokemon had an early start down Route 3. The temperature was slightly chilly, but every now and then would be a warm breeze. The deep white mysterious clouds were in haste as they had floated across the sky in a matter of minutes; which had left the sun's rays shining onto you every time a cloud had passed one of the ray's paths.

The sky was a beautiful scene, which so many people would kill to see. Too bad it had seemed like you could care less about beauty and the sky. Your Pokemon had looked up at you and barked slightly. Houndour was starting to get bored and wanted to have a little fun. It seemed like he had wanted to play with another Pokemon, or maybe battle one.

As you walked down the route, it had seemed like all of the Pokemon that lived on the route were either still sleeping, or saw you walking by and decided it wasn't a good day to be captured. The thought that maybe Pokemon were intimidated by you and your Houndour, came into your head. You had decided that was the reason why a single Pokemon hadn't appeared infront of you yet.

Before you knew it, a Pokemon made it's way across the dirt path. The Pokemon looked like a big pink puffed up balloon. If you wanted to know more about the Pokemon you could just easily whip out your Pokedex and look it up. The pink Pokemon had spoken outloud to itself, it had seemed like it was singing a little song using it's own name.

"Jiggalyyyy Puffff, Jig Jig Jigggg, Jigggaalyyyyy pufffff! Jiggalyypufff!" The Pokemon continued to sing.

:jigglypuff :female
Lv. 6

What were you going to do? Attack the helpless Pokemon, or wait for another Pokemon to come across you? It was all in your hands now.


Ref Post 2:


Eyes shifting left and right as you made your way down the dirt path called Route 3. It had felt like you were being watched, but yet nothing came to attack you nor reveal itself in your presence. The route was very quiet, so quiet that it gave you an eerie feeling at the bottom of your stomach. Not a Pokemon in sight, maybe you weren't meant to catch a Pokemon in this route. Maybe you were meant for bigger or better things in the route.

Your Houndour had walked next to you in anxiety. Houndour would never show it to anyone, but he was afraid to have his first battle. Houndour wanted to leave a good impression on you, an impression that would make you happy and want to keep him. He would do his best just to please you. Your Houndour then moved closer to you, looking left and right, watching for any slight movements. Houndour will prove himself to you when the time comes, he was afraid of losing a battle.

As you had continued to walk down the dirt path, you noticed the dirt had started to get darker. A few feet infront of you stood a little Pokemon. The Pokemon had many colors to it, it's name unknown to you.

:natu
Lv. ??

As you walked a little closer, you had noticed that there was a slight circle around the bird Pokemon made out of darker dirt. Would you move any closer to get to the Pokemon, or watch from a far and inspect the scene a little more? The choice was yours.


Ref Post 3:

Birds chirping, butterflies wings flapping, dandelion seeds floating through the air. The sun's rays were shining everywhere, as it illuminated many beautiful flowers surrounding you. The area around you was so goregous, that it would even make a convicted murderer smile. Maybe it even made you smile a little bit?

As you walked down the path, the chirping of birds started to get louder. The sounds started to get a little bit closer and closer by the second as you continued to walk. Your feet kept in motion until you had stopped immediately. There were bird Pokemon jumping around, and all of them had cotton around their bodies. Some Pokemon bigger then others, most a lot smaller.

As you walked a little closer, some of the birds noticed you and automatically ran away. Although most of them had run away, one of them had gotten to caught up in the escapade of the Pokemon escaping. It was to confused to know what to do, so it watched you carefully, wondering what you were going to do.

:swablu :male
Lv. 6

You had the choice to either try to catch the Pokemon, fight it for exp, or let it go..What were you going to do?
 
Deleted User Nov 23 2006, 04:38 PM Post #19
Deleted User

All three are much better, though in the second one, best not to say that the member dosen't know what the pokemon's name is, for the same reasons stated before. Its fine to just say,

"As you had continued to walk down the dirt path, you noticed the dirt had started to get darker. A few feet infront of you stood a little Pokemon."

And then put the pokemon icon up. What was your reasoning over not putting the level up for the Natu?


Quote:
 
As you walked a little closer, some of the birds noticed you and automatically ran away. Although most of them had run away, one of them had gotten to caught up in the escapade of the Pokemon escaping. It was to confused to know what to do, so it watched you carefully, wondering what you were going to do.


This paragraph....the flow isn't that great and its a little confusing. You use "run/ran away" quite alot. Try to change up the wording, and "escapade of the pokemon escaping" is repetitive. Then in the last sentence "to do" was used twice at the end parts of the sentence. Another break in the flow.

How about rewriting that last paragraph for me, and answering the question about the natu?
 
Exer Nov 23 2006, 05:51 PM Post #20
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The Playboy Knight
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Posts:
1,615
Group:
Player
Member
#1,304
Joined:
October 30, 2006
Character Title
Zackary Joel Ortega
Reason why the Natu has no level is because it's not even a Pokemon. It's a stuffed toy Pokemon that looks almost real. If he walked towards the toy Pokemon, he would've found out that it was a toy. It was basically a decoy because it is placed in the middle of a pit. That's why I had it say:

Quote:
 
As you walked a little closer, you had noticed that there was a slight circle around the bird Pokemon made out of darker dirt. Would you move any closer to get to the Pokemon, or watch from a far and inspect the scene a little more? The choice was yours.


What stuffed toy Pokemon has a level? Well that was my reasons as to the no level Natu.

And here is my re-write to that paragraph.


As you walked a little closer, some of the birds had noticed your entrance immediately and had quickly run away. In a matter of seconds, only one of the Pokemon were left, standing all alone. He had gotten to caught up in the escapade of the fluffy Pokemon. The bird was to confused to know what to do, so it watched you carefully, wondering what your next move was going to be.
 
Nick Nov 25 2006, 03:08 PM Post #21
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Nominated jerk of the Eons.
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Unfortunately, Runea and I have decided that you aren't exactly ready for a moderator position. We understand that you have no experience with refereeing peoples posts, but it seems that you are struggling with something not even related to Tohea....grammar and the flow of posts.

Thus, we are going to have to cancel this training session. You may re-apply at anytime, but please only do so if you believe that you are up to par with today's standards in refereeing. Sorry. :(

Nick & Runea
 
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