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"I do not think there is any thrill that can go through the human heart like that felt by the inventor as he sees some creation of the brain unfolding to success... such emotions make a man forget food, sleep, friends, love, everything." - Nikola Tesla
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| Exer's Training | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 18 2006, 11:09 PM (770 Views) | |
| Nick | Nov 18 2006, 11:09 PM Post #1 |
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Nominated jerk of the Eons.
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Currently Testing / Working On: Creativity Mock Profile
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| Nick | Nov 18 2006, 11:10 PM Post #2 |
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Nominated jerk of the Eons.
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Hi Exer. Welcome to Tohea's first in-forum training topic thing-a-majigie. Either way, the first thing I want to test out is your length and grammar. So, our first exercise is going to basically be a free write. I'd like to you write about anything you'd like, as long as it's at least three paragraphs. Anything at all. Just try to keep up the length and the grammar, and strive to make it as professional as possible. Strive to make it flow, etc. This is a rather easy task, but I just want to see if you're good with length and grammar. :) |
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| Exer | Nov 18 2006, 11:37 PM Post #3 |
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The Playboy Knight
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As you enter the city of Kaadara, you immediately notice the tall buildings hovering above you. The city had looked like a jungle made out of stone, concrete, cars, animals, and people. The city is known as one of the biggest cities in Tohea. Although it was a popular city, the air wasn't all that great, you could even smell the pollution itself. As you walk down a street, to your left you notice a bunch of teenagers running around, spray painting some walls of a local grocery store. You didn't have much time to think about it, because at that same second a bussiness man accidently walked into you. The man had glared at you. He then yelled at you to watch where you were going, and then continued off to where he was going. As you watched him walk away, a teenager ran into him on purpose. You noticed that he had been pick pocketed by the teenager, but the business man didn't notice. You had then wondered if the business man had tried to pull the same stunt on you. You check but it seems that he didn't manage to get anything from you. It had been your first few minutes in Kaadara and it had already left an impression on you. If you choose to like the city or not, that was your decision. Your journey starts here, with your Houndour at your side. |
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| Deleted User | Nov 19 2006, 08:59 AM Post #4 |
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Pretty good! Very nice length and close to no grammar mistakes. A few tips to help the flow a little. If you use a noun or a verb in a sentence, in the sentence right after, try not to use the same noun or verb. For example, "The city had looked like a jungle made out of stone, concrete, cars, animals, and people. The city is known as one of the biggest cities in Tohea. Although it was a popular city, the air wasn't all that great, you could even smell the pollution itself." You use the word "city" a lot, so perhaps instead of saying "city" perhaps... "It looked like a jungle made out of stone, concrete, cars, animals, and people. The city is known as one of the biggest in Tohea. Although it was a popular metropolis, the air wasn't all that great, you could even smell the pollution itself." Also, your flow is just a tad bit choppy. See if you can't perhaps combine two sentences to make it more...flowy haha. For example the sentence in the above paragraph "The city is known as ne of the biggest in Tohea" seems to have just been randomly placed in there, as if you were listing qualities of Tohea. It breaks up the flow a bit of an otherwise nice little paragraph, perhaps because you use "The city" twice to start two seperate sentences. It flows better if you try and never start a sentence the same way twice in a single paragraph. Understand? |
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| Exer | Nov 19 2006, 09:04 AM Post #5 |
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The Playboy Knight
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Thanks =) I was kinda nervous and didn't know what to write, haha. Yes, I understand completely. Do you want me to re-write it? Or don't bother? |
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| Deleted User | Nov 19 2006, 09:11 AM Post #6 |
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Instead I'll give you a different situation, still checking for length and grammar. Reff this post: Heero walked silently down the streets of Kadarra, slipping through the crowds like a shadow in the night. One hand rested lightly on the pokeball at his hip, feeling the pulsing warmth of the houndour inside. He wouldn't let the wolf out though, as the crowds didn't suit the hunter. Instead, Heero simply continued to make his way. He wasn't sure where he was going, had no real destination in mind. He just knew that he and his pokemon needed to train. If they found opportunity in the city, fine. If not, he would head toward the routes, and seek opportunities to gain strength there. |
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| Exer | Nov 19 2006, 09:27 AM Post #7 |
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The Playboy Knight
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As you continued to walk down the streets of Kaadara, the crowd started to become unbearable to even walk in. To your right you saw an alley way, and decided it'd be in your best interest to go down the alley way, instead of going through the crowd. You had wondered if the alley way would take you to another part of the city faster then the main street would. The alley way was slightly narrow, and was basically a space between buildings. The buildings had looked very old and were made out of brick and concrete. The air there seemed a bit different, due to the closed space. You had started to wonder if it was even a good idea to come down the alley way. While you're walking, your thoughts had been interrupted due to a scream. It sounded like a girl, most likely a teenager, was in trouble. There were then voices comming from the same direction, it had seemed like a man was screaming at the girl to stop fighting back. It was your choice if you wanted to go and help her or not... |
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| Nick | Nov 19 2006, 02:39 PM Post #8 |
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Nominated jerk of the Eons.
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One Spelling Mistake: It should be coming. Whether a simple mistake or you really didn't know how to spell it, try and work on that. :) Now, as for the rest of the text, this one flowed better than the previous one. The one irk that I had, however, was controlling the player. Don't get me wrong, referees have the power to do so, but it's always best to referee and ASK him if he wants to go down the dark Alley. Maybe finish your refereeing off with: "After examining the dark alley and figuring out its' direction, it became apparent that this might just bring you closer to your destination in a much shorter amount of time. Whether or not you wanted to take this route was up to you, but the option was always there..." It's nice to give the player a choice in what they want to do. Feel free to control them every once in a while, but try not to take them into a place they might not normally go to. Instinctive stuff is always great, like... "You stumble backwards as the explosion booms around you." I like how you ended your reffing with the OPTION to go and help her, too. Now, referee this. --------- I dash down the alley in a desperate attempt to find the source of the scream, my heart racing as I ran past the brick walls. With each passing second, the thought of a woman in pain was getting to me. I had to find her, and I had to find her fast...and thus, I ran. I ran not for my life, but for hers... |
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| Exer | Nov 19 2006, 06:33 PM Post #9 |
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The Playboy Knight
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[Sorry about that, really nervous!! :[ By the way, what i'm about to do in this post, i'm not sure if I can, so just tell me and i'll change it...] As you run down the alley way, it feels like you had been running for what seems like hours. The girl's screams slowly fading away to nothing, aswell as the man's. You start to notice that the deeper you go into the alley way, the darker it gets. If you had looked up, you would notice that the sky had been clouded with dark clouds. It had looked like it was going to rain. As you continue to run down the alley way, you notice a light comming from up ahead. When you finally reach the light, you see a man trying to hold down a girl, a pokeball in his hands, and another pokeball on his belt. The man was tall, somewhat muscular and fat. He looked very hairy and probably needed to shave. He was wearing a red beanie hat, blue overalls, black boots, and a red shirt underneath the overalls. The girl was wearing blue jeans, white tennis shoes, a pink shirt, and had her golden hair in a pony tail. The girl then yelled at him to give her back her money and pokemon. The man had refused with a smirk and smacked the young girl across the face. As you make your entrance into the open space, you are immediately spotted by the man. He then pushed the girl down and made his way towards you. "You little brat! What are you doing here? Oh well, you wouldn't be able to tell anyone about this when i'm done with you!" The man had smirked and grabbed the pokeball from his belt. He then threw his pokeball into the air, calling out his pokemon. "Koffing! Teach this kid a lesson!" ![]() Lv. 10 It seems like you had a limited amount of options here. You could either run away and find out what had happened to the girl in a few days, or fight the man and try to save the girl. It was all in your hands now... |
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| Bryan | Nov 19 2006, 09:15 PM Post #10 |
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Mongoose
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Original:
Fixed Stuff: The girl's screams slowly fading away to nothing, as well as the man's. As you continue to run down the alley way, you notice a light coming from up ahead. When you finally reach the light, you see a man trying to hold down a girl, a Pokeball in his hands, and another Pokeball on his belt. The girl then yelled at him to give her back her money and Pokemon. He then pushed the girl down and made his way towards you. "You little brat! What are you doing here? Oh well, you wouldn't be able to tell anyone about this when I'm done with you!" The man had smirked and grabbed the Pokeball from his belt. He then threw his Pokeball into the air, calling out his Pokemon. Mkay, ref this: As I got to the woman, I saw another person there- a man who apparently wasn't being very nice. He had hit the girl, sending her to the ground. When I got to him, he immediately saw me, making the situation worse. It wasn't looking good, and now he wanted to battle. Unfortunately, I knew my Houndour wasn't ready to battle his Pokemon, so I had to figure out how to get the girl to safety without a confrontation. |
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| Exer | Nov 19 2006, 09:21 PM Post #11 |
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The Playboy Knight
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I'm sorry, I didn't know that Pokemon, Pokeball and I'm is capitalized when I'm is not in the beginning of a sentence. I am also sorry about the coming thing, I have it like pounded in my head that comming, is really coming. It feels weird saying coming... and the aswell part, I didn't know it was spaced =( |
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| Exer | Nov 19 2006, 10:20 PM Post #12 |
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The Playboy Knight
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The man's Koffing was hovering above the ground, smog emitting from the spherical shaped Pokemon. As the Pokemon said it's own name outloud, his trainer was standing behind the Pokemon, smirking. The open space inside of the alley way had started to lighten up a bit, allowing you to see 3 other alley ways. It had seemed like the open space was an intersection of the alley ways, and you were standing right in the middle of it all. To your left was a very dark and mysterious alley way, which had looked like it would be a dead end. To your right was a less shadowed alley way, which had looked like it ended about 100 feet into it. Then there was the last alley way, which was behind the man and his pokemon. The alley way was slightly illuminated, and had looked like it curved towards the end. The answer was uncertain as to whether or not it ended as an exit or a dead end. In a matter of seconds, the girl that had been quiet for awhile, suddenly jumped at the man and hit him across the head with a immense rock that she had found. The man's eyes had rolled slightly and twitched as he fell over onto the ground. His Koffing had started to emit even more smog, getting angrier and angrier by the second. The girl had looked up at you and sighed with relief. She had smiled slightly and motioned for you to come towards her. "Thank you for saving my life...my name's Anya. I was walking down the alley way trying to get home on time, when this guy came and attacked me. Thank goodness that he was distracted enough for me to attack him." She said with a grin on her face. |
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| Nick | Nov 20 2006, 11:34 AM Post #13 |
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Nominated jerk of the Eons.
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You didn't capitalize Pokemon once, but that's honestly not a big deal. It's personal taste, really. Some do, some don't. Still testing length and grammar, do another one of those free writes. Make it unique to the last the one, and make it at least 3 paragraphs. I'm not so worried about your reffing abilties at this moment as I am about your grammar (which is above average compared to some members, so don't feel discouraged :D) |
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| Exer | Nov 20 2006, 04:45 PM Post #14 |
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The Playboy Knight
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[I don't know what to write anymore since I didn't get a post to ref? But ya...sorry if it stinks =/] As Heero and Anya continue to talk, they do not realize that the sky is getting darker and darker by the second. After a few minutes, they realized that the sky was a dark color and no longer cloudy. They then looked at each other, and decided that it was best for them to leave, especially since the man was still alive and could wake up at any second. As you and Anya take the alley way that curves towards the end, you realize that Anya starts to shake a little bit. Was she scared? You thought to yourself as you observed her for a few seconds. As you reached the ending of the alley way, you see a few lights in the distance. You both have finally gotten out of the alley way, leaving the man behind, laying in the middle of it all. It seemed as if Anya had taken a slight interest in the night sky of Kaadara. If you looked up, you could barely see the stars, due to the lights in Kaadara blurring the stars. Anya then spoke up, looking at you, "I'm going to go find an inn or something, I'll see ya around town! Thanks for everything!!" Anya smiled and ran off giggling. You were now alone, only your Pokemon, Houndour, by your side. What were you going to do now? |
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| Nick | Nov 20 2006, 08:31 PM Post #15 |
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Nominated jerk of the Eons.
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Grammar was fine, writing style was fine, etc. but I'm a little worried about that statement you made. If you don't know what to write about even when I give you a free write (e.g. write about ANYTHING), then I'm not sure if you can handle creative refereeing. Thus, we're going to test that aspect right now. Referee the following round THREE separate times, each one unique and creative. Make sure it is interesting to read, as well. I'm not going to write much simply because I'm giving you plenty of leeway as to what to write about...just make all three creative. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ After walking down Route 3 for so many hours out of the day, I had noticed I STILL hadn't seen a Pokemon. Although that wasn't my main goal, I would like to see one before I reached Kadaraa. |
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