May's testimony

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May's testimony; a thick veil to be torn (long)
Topic Started: Dec 29 2006, 11:09 PM (23 Views)
may	Dec 29 2006, 11:09 PM Post #1
Unregistered	A thick Veil to be Torn How I Got Saved Some people think they should never have been born. When I was conceived, my mother was nursing my brother, she was 5ˇ6〃 and 98 lbs, and was at the time being beaten severely by her husband. Babies donˇt get conceived under these conditions, let alone come to term and be born. But I was born, and I was born blind. 3 months later, I reached over and pulled a piece of lint from my motherˇs sweater. 2 weeks after my 2nd birthday, my mom left my dad and went with my brother and me to live with her mother. So things were rough and then there was a stepdad and eventually a move across country which was so hard for me. By the time I was 13, there had been a lot of pain in my life: rejection from my father and step-father; 2 of my friends had been murdered back in New York; I had a declining relationship with my mother who was always at work; and a move across country after which I found myself ostracized by all my peers (including my brother). I was lonely and desperate for love and approval, and I was beginning to get very depressed. I spent a lot of time alone, and did not know anything about God. My aunt and uncle (mom's sister was married to a minister) had given me a King James Version bible, but we never went to church so it was hard for me to understand this Bible. Still I knew it was the most important book I could ever read in my life. My mom had taken us to church a few times before we moved from New York to Florida, but she stopped because my step-dad never went with us. (She had married an unbeliever. ) Well, I was getting desperate- taking notes in health class in the back of my notebook- noting which things could kill a person- gathering different ideas as to the best way to successfully commit suicide. And at the same time I was afraid because somewhere I heard that if you committed suicide, you would go straight to hell. I didn't know if that was true, and I didn't know anything about God, so I started trying to read this Bible. But the pain was unbearable, and one night I reached out to my brother, but he rejected me, and I went and got poison and drank it in front of him. I was not joking. I was in serious pain. Well, that started an on-and-off battle against suicidal depression. To add to it, I was still desperate for the love and approval of my parents, and of fatherly love, which I never had gotten. My friendships were shaky, too. I would befriend anyone who would have me. One night I had a sleep-over at my best friend's house. I had told her several weeks before that I thought her brother was cute. Innocent enough. Well that night they had both planned for me to lose my virginity (there was no adult at their house that night) and I was too scared to do anything about it for fear I would lose my friend. Well, then I figured the guy would marry me, but since he didn't, then I knew I was ruined, and this added to my depression and desperation. Somehow I got it into my head that if I was good enough at sex, someone would love me enough to want to keep me and that's how I would become married. You see, if someone loved me enough to marry me, that would mean that I was o.k. and loveable. Not true. But I saw society all around me going about it this way, and I had almost no instruction on purity. Mom told us sex was for marriage and that was all I ever heard of it. But I was already believing the lie that sex was love, and it was poison. But I drank it anyway. I was hospitalized for depression at the age of 16 after I tried to run away. When I got out, my mom and step-dad divorced, and then she moved in with a guy about a month later. He was not a believer either and now she was living with someone and not married, so this further justified my own actions. Every relationship I had became a sexual one, and after the break-up, I was devastated, and another piece of my heart went out the window. When I was 18 I moved across the country with my boyfriend. Lived in separate rooms in his parent's house. But I got in the way of that. I was addicted to sex by then. It was my source of love. What God should be. What He really is. Same thing happened- broke up, on to the next one with the hope, "Is this the guy? I hope he keeps me." All the while never knowing the love of God or my worth in his eyes. And I would function for a little while, and then get depressed. By the way, it was a slap in the face when I learned that he married the next girl he dated after me. All I wanted was someone to love me forever, but I kept getting used and thrown away. Or letting myself get used and thrown away. How about giving myself away and thus throwing myself away? But I didn't know anything about guarding my heart. Well, over the next 14 years, I had ups and downs, but still kept adding to my serial monogamies, broken hearts, and each bout with suicide was worse. It always seemed like I would get hopeless and death was the only way out. In college, my suicidal depression was so bad that I almost got kicked out of school. All because I was insecure about the one I had been dating (and living with) for the 3 years I was in university. You see, we were planning on getting married, and I was so in love with him. But also, I had problems with one of my teachers. My heart was fragile as glass and hard as rock at the same time. He couldn't take my depressions. We got a place together after graduation, but still couldn't make the commitment to marry me. The commitment had been there, but it had broken with the trials. He married the next girl he dated after me. That was the second time that had happened! There were more broken relationships and suicide attempts after college, too. I became so desperate, I ended up marrying a mentally-ill man (who was more like a boy, actually) because we were both desperate not to be alone. I was successful as a painter, but this was not prestigious enough to win my family's love and respect, I thought. This man and I eloped. It's not like he asked me to marry him. I needed someone to take care of so I could feel important and didn't want to be alone. I thought, "Well, he loves me, I guess, and this is as good as it gets. So be it." So I discussed getting married so I could put him on my health insurance and get him out of his crazy parents' house. I had been rescuing animals all my life- which gave me value, now I was doing it with a human being. But I was sick, myself. Classic case of "blind leading the blind". It was a month before I even told any of my family I was married. I knew they would judge the decision as rash, and wouldn't be proud, but hey- I was desperate. We moved to Florida because my mom's boyfriend offered me a sweet job. And my husband could work for me for excellent starting pay- unheard-of, in fact. One of the other reasons we eloped was I couldn't move in with my parents and have my boyfriend living there with me (even though my mom had been living out of wedlock with her boyfriend for a decade). So I had landed back at home with my mom and her boyfriend (still unmarried). Then my husband sabotaged his job, then another, then left me for a 'vacation' and never came back. He then said he wanted a divorce. Soon after that, I was in a horrible accident that almost killed me and I couldnˇt work. I had to claim bankruptcy. Then I reunited with the same guy I lost my virginity to, and we moved in together. I thought "This is it! How perfect! Now all will be as it should have been!" But that fell apart, too. I had and lost a good-paying job. I got on these vitamins where I lost all this weight and got some of my health back. But he couldn't handle my income potential. He became abusive and I cheated on him. Things were bad, so I moved back home. Now I had really disappointed my parents. In my desperation for their love and respect, I decided it was financial success that would make them love me and be proud of me. Since I was thin and beautiful, I resorted to prostitution for 2 months, living a double-life and hoping they would think it was my vitamin business I was successful in. It was a success for a little while, but when that was sabotaged, I got a job as a call-girl working at night, and trying to sell vitamins by day, tearing myself up inside (and I had started going to church!) and adding to my self-loathing. I hated prostitution even though I felt like it was the only way. This led to another suicide attempt in which God performed a miracle. I tried to electrocute myself in the bath-tub with an extension cord that was plugged in, but between the time I let go and the time it hit the water, God had placed my mom's boyfriend at the breaker box and he cut the power in the house. Then I moved back out, the vitamin business folded, and I gained weight because I became depressed. I was trying to start over, and just moved, but my new landlord (who was married to a friend of mine) was now making sexual advances at me. And I was trapped! Shortly thereafter another boyfriend moved in with me, and I got pregnant for the first and only time in my life. Everyone but the fatherˇs parents were against the child and convincing me to have an abortion. Even my landlords threatened that they would kick me out and make me homeless if I had the baby. I wanted the baby, but didnˇt see any other way. So I experienced the most horrible thing on the planet. And I hated myself so much I shaved my head and tried to kill myself. Almost succeeded, too. But as I was dying, I called to God in my heart, ¨I made a mistake. I am sorry. I donˇt want to die. I want to live, I just donˇt want this pain. Please give me a second chance.〃 Immediately my boyfriend came and saw my skin was white, called the ambulance, and I went to the hospital. That relationship fell apart. Well, then I got all into sign language and met a deaf guy on the Internet and moved to South Carolina to live with him. Supposedly we were going to get married. But he was involved with pornography and pot, was emotionally and financially abusive, and we never married. Why buy the cow when the milk is free? Itˇs true. So after 10 months of that, my brother and mother helped me move to Colorado, a few miles away from my brother. I knew my life would be different in Colorado. I always wanted to live in a town with a cool name and it doesnˇt get any cooler than ¨Loveland〃. But unbeknownst to me, that was where I would meet Jesus and experience true love, so it is very fitting that this happened in a town called Loveland. But it didnˇt happen right away. The first thing that happened was I had a major falling out with my mom. She said things so hurtful to me, that I never wanted to talk to her again. And we didnˇt speak for a year. I continued to look for guys on the internet and figured the only relationships I could get were one-night stands, since that was all I was good for anymore, and barely that. I was really feeling sorry for myself and jealous of my brother and his beautiful life and family and I had none. Look at my life (taking no responsibility whatsoever). Well, I took a fatal overdose of my meds (learned how to successfully overdose in 2001 after my abortion) and ¨fell asleep〃. There was no one there to call 911, and I certainly wasnˇt going to. I didnˇt know it, but Jesus was interceeding for me, and He miraculously saved me. I woke up the next morning, alive, not sick, not paralyzed, and feeling pretty good actually. But I was mad that I was still alive. Then I got into trouble. While visiting one of these men 50 miles from home, I ran out of gas and was stranded and the man wanted nothing to do with me. But two ˉniceˇ gentlemen offered me a ride. It turns out they were meth addicts in a stolen car. They raped me, took me home, robbed my home, and went back and stole my car. I landed in the hospital for two weeks. During that time two of my birds died and I was lied to about the whole thing. This was a very bad time. I met someone in the hospital and we started dating when we were both out. Well, it turned out to be the same guy I had been dating for 19 years, just with a different name and different face. Only in it for the physical, and there was really no friendship there. I was disposable. Well, since there was no pleasure in sex anymore and I was fed up with this whole thing, I started reading the Bible. In February 2004, my grandmother was turning 90 and there was a big family reunion for her birthday in New York state. That weekend there was a reconciliation with my mom, and I also resigned myself to not let my boyfriend touch me in any way. I had been hanging out with a nice Christian lady, and she had been praying for me and with me and counseling me as far as this thing with my mom. Well, after I got back, I was celibate for 3 weeks, and because of this the boyfriend was becoming scarce. Then we saw a movie together and I heard him speak with another voice and say I should call the numbers on my call phone (the keypad somehow got pressed and it said 666). So I freaked out and broke up with him, and a few days later went to this church with this Christian lady friend. The preacher spoke a message about pure water sealed in a bottle, and asked if you would drink it. Of course we would. Then he said, ¨If I take the cap off and put just 5 drops of strychnine poison in it, who would drink it?〃 I was the one in an assembly of 3,000 people who raised their hand. And he saw me. Then he talked about Jesus who was conceived of a virgin and the Holy Spirit of God. He was the sinless lamb of God, and he took our sins and suffered on the cross for us, died, and was raised three days later, and ascended to heaven and is now at the right hand of God. I had heard this all before, but thought it was like a fairy tale or something. How could all these miracles be true? But why couldnˇt I believe it? As stubborn as I was, I thought about the fact that 刪 My own birth defied scientific possibility. 刪 I was born blind and then was miraculously given sight. 刪 I watched my dead turtle come to life when I was 11. 刪 I was saved from those last 3 suicide attempts miraculously. . He was talking about a new life and the good life and the promise of heaven and a relationship with God. This is what I had always wanted. Why had I never heard of it before? He told us about asking Jesus into our lives and to be our Lord and Savior, but I didnˇt know what that meant, I just knew I wanted God and a new life. The preacher asked if we could remember a time when we asked Jesus into our hearts, to forgive us I tried to go through the few memories I had of being in church. I could not remember actually doing this. Then he said for anyone who hadnˇt to come to the altar, but I didnˇt think he meant me. I was confused even though he was speaking plain English- my native tongue!! In fact, he was looking at me, pointing at me, and the whole assembly was turned around looking at me. He was saying, ¨I am going to get that girl up to this altar if I have to go down there and get her!〃 and still I did not understand that I should come to the altar!! Well, That whole assembly must have had to beat down the devilˇs hold on me with prayer, because I had such a thick veil over my mind concealing the truth from me. But finally and slowly it was occurring to me, ¨Yeah this is it. This is what I want and this is what I have to do. I will go up to the altar and I will get Jesus.〃 So I got to the aisle and sprinted to the altar like a runner who is 20 yards from the finish line. I was so happy to receive Jesus and get baptized in the Holy Spirit. The next day I saw the passion of the Christ and then I knew about really what he did for us because I was watching the most loving innocent man who was God and who created us take the horrific punishment that I deserved. In all my years of total emptiness and suicidal depression I never cried like I did that day- releasing all the things to him and seeing him take all my sins and pain and seeing the true love who would do that for me. It took me the rest of the day and the whole next day to recover. But after that, I woke up with the joy that children have!! And I started a new life with Jesus and a wonderful relationship with him. Talking, listening, and learning about Him and His Word. Responding to the Holy Spirit and being made like him. He has blessed me so much in the last 3 years- I donˇt know where to begin. I was on disability, so I had all this time. So I made reading the Bible my full-time job, and didnˇt want to read any other book or watch any movie until I finished it. 19 years later, I would finish this thing I started at age 13- reading the most important book in the world. And this time, nothing would stop me. I surrounded myself with Christians- this was easy since the church I was sent to after I was saved was open 24 hours per day. I was also weeding out things in my life. I donˇt know when I stopped swearing like a sailor, but that fell away, I never slept with anyone again since that last boyfriend who wanted me to call 666. When I stepped out in faith and obedience to tithe, I heard the Lordˇs voice in my ears. He said twice. ¨I love you, May. I love you, May.〃 And it was faith because I never gave before, and when I decided to obey tithing, my income was barely enough to survive and it just got lowered by about 10%, and so this is why I decided to tithe. I was excited to see what God would do and to trust him. And I was happy to have his Word so that I could obey it. He has blessed me with wonderful, healthy and loyal friendships, love in my heart, and purpose. My life has meaning now that I am living it for Him. He has also blessed me materially, which is overwhelming at times. Like I am in a dream still waiting to wake up. And he had blessed me with new dreams and passions and even more skills and talents! He has also blessed me with brothers and sisters in Christ who treat me with purity. It is so nice to be able to have friendships without worrying about everyone always trying to take advantage of me, although we must always use discernment. Oh yeah- he has given me and continues to give me wisdom and discernment and build on His character in my heart and give me knowledge and build my spiritual gifts. I think the most awesome thing is that even after all the stuff I did, he welcomed me back with open arms, and is always looking out for me and that he wants to use me. The fact that God has chosen to work through me and that He can use my life to serve others leaves me speechless. I have hope for the future- even a future with a family of my own, but also, I have the hope of eternity in Heaven with True Love Himself.
Unregistered


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