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| Me And My Ass; I love parody, but don't need it... | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Aug 21 2006, 11:27 PM (132 Views) | |
| Leech | Aug 21 2006, 11:27 PM Post #1 |
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Has a laminated Xerox of the Counterfeit Club
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Yes this topic title is a clever word play on Frank's topic, you'll see why below. What this thread is actually about though, is very embarrasing moments. Here's one that happened Saturday that is hands down the worst I've ever heard, and in retrospect the funniest. It could ONLY happen to me too... Anyway without further ado... Embarrasing Moments: Okay, we've all had them and remember them quite vividly. They are moments that haunt us for either the rest of our lives or close to. Whatever the circumstances are, whenever you actually tell someone, they bust up laughing whereas you can never quite seem to lose the moment enough to laugh about it yourself. That is, unless you have a moment like mine. This has to be the funniest embarrassing moment that has ever been printed. Enjoy. I've had a terrible week, I'll start off with that, the week has just sucked beyond all belief. (I'm referring to the last seven days, not the actual week.) The moment I started to think that it would get better, bam, it just gets worse. So it's only natural that life decided to give me one hefty and hilarious kick in the ass to top it all off, quite literally. Saturday night I went to a drive in. After having six days of only getting 5 or less hours of sleep, I figured that a drive-in might be a good choice of action for a weekend activity. The logic being that if the movies sucked I could just sleep until both movies were over. (They sucked, and I almost did just that.) However, before sleeping through two terrible movies (I woke up frequently, and they were pretty terrible from what I saw.) I decided to get something to eat. Being a total fool, yet a hungry fool, I opted for some chillie fries. Being at a theater does get you in the mood for theater food afterall. Well on a positive note the chillie fries were easily the best I've ever had, so I'll at least give credit where it's due, however that sparked a chain reaction in my digestive system that results in the horrific scene that this post is based on. About an hour into the second movie I was awaken by a gurgling in my stomach and a pressure on my sphincter that made me realize that I had to go, now. There would be no waiting until the movie was over, it hit me like child birth. It wasn't embriotic fluid soaking me either, it was a cold sweat of an explosive diahrrea episode that had my attention. So I literally jump out of my car, hitting my head on the roof as I do so, and sprint to the bathroom. When I walked in it took all I had to not do a full release in my pants. Now, I live in California, so I'm used to pretty trashed public restrooms, but this was hands down the worst. Actually, before I go on I'll explain a little pet peave of mine. I call it Assgasket Trauma. Assgasket Trauma occurs when you are in a nasty public restroom and there are no toilet seat covers to be found when you really have to drop a load. It's when you pull a Finch from American Pie and construct a toilet seat cover out of toilet paper in sheer fear of catching something from the disgusting bathroom facility. I get this a lot, thus the term Assgasket Trauma. This was worse than that. Normally when one (I) gets Assgasket Trauma, about thirty seconds of creative toilet paper work fixes the problem, and you're free to disgust the stall neighbor next to you with an ass-instrument orchastra of sounds, and then all is well. Not this time. The bathroom I walked into was not only devoid of toilet seat covers, it was devoid of all but one toilet without any form of stall whatsoever. It was devoid of any form of toilet SEAT at all! What I was left with was a piss splattered porciline ring and no stall for the anonymity that one, about to unleash sounds of the explosive diahrrea that I was about to unleash, truly needs. To top it all off there was a hefty line of people behind me! With the sudden knowledge that the term "Shit or get off the pot" was quickly becoming "Shit or shit on you're socks" I did the only thing I could. I dropped my pants did a bitch squat, ( Ever see a chick piss in the woods? That little number.) and proceeded to have about forty people gape in awe at what they witnessed. The shit took place at exactly 10:17pm and finished at 10:24pm. I looked at my watch the entire time, as when there's a group of people watching you squat six inches over a toilet in a restroom and shit you're brains out, you'll look at anything to take you're mind off of what exactly is occurring. That is seven minutes that I will never forget. Now that I look back on it I find it hilarious, but that seven minutes was hell. However it definitely takes it's rightful place on the throne of "Most embarrassing Moment of my life" with ease. Which, if you know me, is no easy task. So come one people, spill you're embarrassing shit. No pun intended. |
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| Antichrist | Aug 21 2006, 11:54 PM Post #2 |
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All Hail The Knee Dance!!!
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So I'm driving home from Ozzfest a few years back. Now, let me make it perfectly clear that this is 1999 and just starting to get into heavy music.. so I thought Ozzfest was the end-all be-all of music fests. However... this isn't about the show.. this is about other shit. So, this is a six hour drive for me.. and I'm doing it alone, because that's just how much Godsmack meant to me back in the day. I get about thrity miles from my destination when I have to take a shit. Normally, your bowels creep up on you.. but at this point in time, it went from "Fine" to "Nuclear" in a couple seconds. Now, we all know that in times like this... you face the epic struggle of you versus your bowels. You change your breathing, you limit your swallowing, your speaking.. sometimes even your blinking to suppress the brown rage within. Especially when you're thirty miles from where you need to be, no place to stop in sight... plus, the idea of shitting on your own toilet sounds like pure heaven. Well... I'm listening to Staind's "Dysfunction" CD... when all of a sudden, every goddamn song sounded like it was written by someone in my situation. "Just Go"..... "Home".... "Crawl"..... "Spleen"..... I mean, it was like Aaron Lewis was speaking directly to my anus. And boy was my puckerfish enraged by it. However, the fight appeared to be won as I pulled into my town.... I was about three minutes from the bliss of unleashing the brown bomb of devestation in the comfort of my own bathroom, and my bowels had seemingly given up the fight. .... have you ever seen Dumb & Dumber? The scene where Lloyd gives Harry the laxatives in his drink? Then Harry is seen driving along... smiling as happy as can be, then suddenly it kicks in and his face contorts? I did the exact same thing when all of a sudden my bowels let out a big "Fuck you" and the queen mother of sharts came. So there I am... driving the longest four mintues of my life.... experiencing something I thought I had left behind in my infancy..... wading in a pool of my own shit. I can wear big kids pants too, indeed.... |
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12:46 AM Jul 11