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| 300 - film review | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Apr 11 2007, 05:12 PM (302 Views) | |
| zeitgeist | Apr 11 2007, 05:12 PM Post #1 |
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![]() So, there's these Greeks right, except they're not really Greeks, they're Spartans, which I think is like IKEA but with knives, and there's these Persians who inbetween making rugs and breeding cats want to take over the world, which is fine 'cos they're all like seven foot tall, unless the Spartans are midgets, which would just be wrong, and the Persians have beaten everyone apart from these Spartans who're like really hard 'cos they leave home at seven to be taught how to fight, apart from the ones who're left outside to die at birth, 'cos they're deformed or too short or too tall or have three eyes (this is an important bit). So the Persian emperor who thinks he's a god tells Leo the king of the Spartans who's like Mel Gibson but not blue and with a real Scottish accent that he should give all his stuff to the Persians or they'll kill him and everyone else apart from the women and children who'll be enslaved, and that if he gives him (Xerxes) all his stuff Xerxes will give him (Leo) even more stuff. But Leo goes all Braveheart on his ass and tells him to get stuffed. So the Persians are marching on Sparta but it's Fringe time in Sparta and they're not allowed to go fighting, they have to stay home and juggle instead, so Leo goes to the priests who're all leprous to ask them for special permission. And being a leper priest seems like a really good job, 'cos even though you're a leper you get first dibs on all the hot teenage totty and the totty has to strip off and dance for you and you get to lick them, but the priests are bad priests 'cos they've been bribed by the posh English Spartan who's in the pay of the Persians (which is why he's Englis 'cos he's the bad guy), and they tell Leo he cannae go. So Leo pretends that he and 300 of his close friends are just off for a walk in the countryside when really they're going to fight the Persians. Then Gollum from Lord of the Rings asks if he can join Leo 'cos he's one of the deformed babies who wisnae killed at birth, but Leo says no, 'cos he's Gollum and cannae stand up straight so Gollum goes away in the huff (this is an important bit). So, Leo and his mates are fighting off the Persians who throw rhinoceroses and elephants and giants and Immortals at them, but Leo and his mates fight them all off. So Xerxes tries to get him (Leo) to give him (Xerxes) all his stuff again, but Leo says no. And I don't know why Xerxes is black 'cos all the Persians I know are either rugs, cats or a bit on the swarthy side, but I think this is because we need to know he's the bad guy 'cos Leo goes around being cruel to cripples and executing wounded soldiers so he's not really good. Meantime, the bad Englishman is making sure no reinforcements come to his (Leo) rescue by having naughty back door sex with the Queen who doesnae like it but thinks that the bad Englishman will help Leo if she lets him, but he's English and therefore a liar, mountebank and knave, who tells everyone that the Queen is a slapper, so she kills him, which is good 'cos he's a bad Englishman. Meantime Leo and everyone else gets killed 'cos Gollum gets loads of gold, girls and kinky sex from Xerxes and shows the Persians where the back door to the Spartan army is (and this is a made up bit 'cos Gollum didnae really do it, it was a wandering Greek shepherd, but I suppose that was a bit boring for the film makers but it makes cripples seem like bad people). So everyone's dead apart from Van Helsings sidekick who isn't a bumbling monk anymore, but a one eyed soldier who goes home and tells everyone how hard Leo was despite him getting beat, and so the Spartans go out and kick the Persians ass, except we don't see this 'cos the film ends there. This was my favourite film 'cos it had people getting their heads chopped off, lots of slow motion fighting, war elephants, claw handed executioners and naked girls ('cos the Queen gets naked with Leo as well and has huge nipples as well as the redhead who gets nasty with the leper priests). :twisted :twisted :twisted :twisted / 4 out of 5 Signed M4L. aged 10 3/4
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12:36 AM Jul 11