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Puddles' Poems
Topic Started: Sep 28 2006, 01:31 PM (791 Views)
:Puddle_jumper
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Nomad
[ *  * ]
almost everybody whose read my poems tell me that its too heavy, but im anxious to know what u guys think of it

This is one which i wrote quite recently, its quite long and i havnt given it a title yet.

Deep, dark and hidden away
Show your face by night, by day
Poisonous venom
so shy in your presence
turns so sweet,
taste the essence

In my eyes only
You rise above all
Subjecting me to hopes and
that imminent fall
to grace, I pray
not lonely claws
Gripping so tight
on that heart of yours

Feelings so strong
it burns right through
to surface on these words
created for you
Stare them down,
with eyes so focused
Too scorched with pain
to go unnoticed
by me of all people
to have this curse
The gift of talking
when words disperse

Bent and broken
but whole all the same
Soul awakened
by the sound of your name
Whose act so defiant
to surrender gives way
Who loves you the most
for the things you say?
So rare are these words
they're worth more than gold
Images and experiences
so clearly foretold

Wings on your back
so white, they glow
While others turn away
from what you refuse to show
Wings so light
yet baring burdens
so heavy and drastic
you draw the curtains
closed and forbidden
you always will be
Flying away
with a soul I set free
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slagter
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fukc what everyone else says! That is brilliant. Really good in fact! You write for yourself, never for someone else.

2 THUMBS UP FROM ME PUDDLES!!
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MongwopMan
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King Ding a Ling!

deep man!
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'If you want to order Marijuana, just press the hash key!'

The World is full of Bastards, Bastards covered in bastards with a Bastard centre!"

Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind is bearing me across the sky! - Famous Ojibwa Saying
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Wolf
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Todo fuera amor, solo y cansado
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Heavy or not, i think it's quite good ;)
"Curiosity is the key to creativity" Akiro Morita Sony
Hasta maņana
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:Puddle_jumper
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Nomad
[ *  * ]
Thanx guys, i appreciate your comments. I might post some more poems soon
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MongwopMan
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King Ding a Ling!

plz do!
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'If you want to order Marijuana, just press the hash key!'

The World is full of Bastards, Bastards covered in bastards with a Bastard centre!"

Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind is bearing me across the sky! - Famous Ojibwa Saying
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VerySneakyPudding
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Your biological father

When I read through the poem it feels disjointed. It comes across as thoughts or ramblings, great as one liners but when combined as a whole, it becomes just more of the same. By lingering more on a central idea, a greater message would be conveyed.
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Leaf
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Oh my god they killed... wait, nevermind.
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Listen to the Sneaky Pudding you must. He talk in sentences he does.

Cool poem puddles. Not really my style but then tastes are subjective. It made me feel something (although I'll be damned if I know what)...but that's a good sign I skiem. :)
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The Most Read Post On The Internets.
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:Puddle_jumper
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Nomad
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Pudding, its a bad habit of mine. Its just that I'l start writing a poem, and then all of a sudden all these different thoughts come to me and i write them down so as not to lose them. I end up having a poem that contains very different views or topics. Im trying to kick the habit
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MongwopMan
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King Ding a Ling!

sit down with a pen and paper and write whatever comes into your mind, even if it's vulgar or what not, doing this before doing any creative writing, helps feed out all the nonsense that's in your brain allowing you to create free flowing lines of writing!
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'If you want to order Marijuana, just press the hash key!'

The World is full of Bastards, Bastards covered in bastards with a Bastard centre!"

Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind is bearing me across the sky! - Famous Ojibwa Saying
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:Puddle_jumper
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Nomad
[ *  * ]
Yeah thats true like brainstorming and stuff. But my only problem is that sometimes my ideas are kinda off the topic and confuses the person whose reading the poem as to what the poem is actually about
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Sci
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The Messiah
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Very nice :)
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:Puddle_jumper
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Nomad
[ *  * ]
Ok here's another poem i wrote, i tried to cut out the whole disjointed feel and make it seem dark all the way through. so here goes..

SOLITUDE

Stared down upon
by four walls so plain
My punctured heart's loss
is my memory's gain
Awaken abruptly
by images replayed
I sit upright
and wish my sanity had stayed
I cut my imagination
till it bleeds these thoughts
Trying to buy back time
which regret has already bought
My conscience drips with guilt,
burns like acid through the floor
I try to stop myself
from staring at the door -
my only way out
and it has locked me in
To sit alone and feel
assosciation is a sin
Cold, hard and alone
Result of a pointless feud
Though my many friends I've lost
I still have lovely solitude
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slagter
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Sweet!! It rocks!
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Chrissie
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Settler
[ *  *  * ]
Wow, those are really good
:cheer:
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