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| Puddles' Poems | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Sep 28 2006, 01:31 PM (791 Views) | |
| :Puddle_jumper | Sep 28 2006, 01:31 PM Post #1 |
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Nomad
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almost everybody whose read my poems tell me that its too heavy, but im anxious to know what u guys think of it This is one which i wrote quite recently, its quite long and i havnt given it a title yet. Deep, dark and hidden away Show your face by night, by day Poisonous venom so shy in your presence turns so sweet, taste the essence In my eyes only You rise above all Subjecting me to hopes and that imminent fall to grace, I pray not lonely claws Gripping so tight on that heart of yours Feelings so strong it burns right through to surface on these words created for you Stare them down, with eyes so focused Too scorched with pain to go unnoticed by me of all people to have this curse The gift of talking when words disperse Bent and broken but whole all the same Soul awakened by the sound of your name Whose act so defiant to surrender gives way Who loves you the most for the things you say? So rare are these words they're worth more than gold Images and experiences so clearly foretold Wings on your back so white, they glow While others turn away from what you refuse to show Wings so light yet baring burdens so heavy and drastic you draw the curtains closed and forbidden you always will be Flying away with a soul I set free |
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| slagter | Sep 28 2006, 01:36 PM Post #2 |
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General
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fukc what everyone else says! That is brilliant. Really good in fact! You write for yourself, never for someone else. 2 THUMBS UP FROM ME PUDDLES!! |
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| MongwopMan | Sep 28 2006, 01:39 PM Post #3 |
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King Ding a Ling!
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deep man! |
![]() 'If you want to order Marijuana, just press the hash key!' The World is full of Bastards, Bastards covered in bastards with a Bastard centre!" Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind is bearing me across the sky! - Famous Ojibwa Saying | |
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| Wolf | Sep 28 2006, 03:11 PM Post #4 |
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Todo fuera amor, solo y cansado
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Heavy or not, i think it's quite good ;) |
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"Curiosity is the key to creativity" Akiro Morita Sony Hasta maņana | |
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| :Puddle_jumper | Sep 29 2006, 11:19 AM Post #5 |
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Nomad
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Thanx guys, i appreciate your comments. I might post some more poems soon |
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| MongwopMan | Sep 29 2006, 11:24 AM Post #6 |
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King Ding a Ling!
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plz do! |
![]() 'If you want to order Marijuana, just press the hash key!' The World is full of Bastards, Bastards covered in bastards with a Bastard centre!" Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind is bearing me across the sky! - Famous Ojibwa Saying | |
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| VerySneakyPudding | Sep 29 2006, 12:51 PM Post #7 |
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Your biological father
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When I read through the poem it feels disjointed. It comes across as thoughts or ramblings, great as one liners but when combined as a whole, it becomes just more of the same. By lingering more on a central idea, a greater message would be conveyed. |
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| Leaf | Sep 29 2006, 02:34 PM Post #8 |
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Oh my god they killed... wait, nevermind.
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Listen to the Sneaky Pudding you must. He talk in sentences he does. Cool poem puddles. Not really my style but then tastes are subjective. It made me feel something (although I'll be damned if I know what)...but that's a good sign I skiem. :) |
The Most Read Post On The Internets. | |
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| :Puddle_jumper | Sep 30 2006, 12:13 PM Post #9 |
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Nomad
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Pudding, its a bad habit of mine. Its just that I'l start writing a poem, and then all of a sudden all these different thoughts come to me and i write them down so as not to lose them. I end up having a poem that contains very different views or topics. Im trying to kick the habit |
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| MongwopMan | Oct 2 2006, 08:46 AM Post #10 |
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King Ding a Ling!
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sit down with a pen and paper and write whatever comes into your mind, even if it's vulgar or what not, doing this before doing any creative writing, helps feed out all the nonsense that's in your brain allowing you to create free flowing lines of writing! |
![]() 'If you want to order Marijuana, just press the hash key!' The World is full of Bastards, Bastards covered in bastards with a Bastard centre!" Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind is bearing me across the sky! - Famous Ojibwa Saying | |
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| :Puddle_jumper | Oct 2 2006, 11:19 AM Post #11 |
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Nomad
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Yeah thats true like brainstorming and stuff. But my only problem is that sometimes my ideas are kinda off the topic and confuses the person whose reading the poem as to what the poem is actually about |
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| Sci | Oct 6 2006, 09:39 AM Post #12 |
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The Messiah
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Very nice :) |
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| :Puddle_jumper | Oct 9 2006, 02:14 PM Post #13 |
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Nomad
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Ok here's another poem i wrote, i tried to cut out the whole disjointed feel and make it seem dark all the way through. so here goes.. SOLITUDE Stared down upon by four walls so plain My punctured heart's loss is my memory's gain Awaken abruptly by images replayed I sit upright and wish my sanity had stayed I cut my imagination till it bleeds these thoughts Trying to buy back time which regret has already bought My conscience drips with guilt, burns like acid through the floor I try to stop myself from staring at the door - my only way out and it has locked me in To sit alone and feel assosciation is a sin Cold, hard and alone Result of a pointless feud Though my many friends I've lost I still have lovely solitude |
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| slagter | Oct 9 2006, 05:48 PM Post #14 |
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General
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Sweet!! It rocks! |
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| Chrissie | Oct 10 2006, 08:58 AM Post #15 |
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Settler
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Wow, those are really good :cheer: |
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