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Lets Tell Jokes
Topic Started: Nov 2 2005, 08:13 PM (2,329 Views)
Coast Runner
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Madam President
Health and Safety Officer
An elderly couple were attending a church service.

About halfway through the wife leans over to her husband and says,



"I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
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Laugh* Love * Live * Shine

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Coast Runner
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lifesaver anyone? :)

A Bowl Of Lifesavers



A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers.



The children began to say :-



"Red...........Cherry"

"Yellow.......Lemon"

"Green........Lime"

"Orange......Orange"



Finally the teacher gave them all Honey Lifesavers.

After eating them none of the children could identify the taste.



"Well" said the teacher. "I'll give you a clue....It's what your mother may sometimes call your father"



One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and yelled :



"Oh my god....they're assholes"
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Laugh* Love * Live * Shine

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Coast Runner
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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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Laugh* Love * Live * Shine

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Krystal
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.Spunky Cichlid.
Super Chick
Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
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heech
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Public Relations
Heaven is a place where:
The lovers are Italian
The cooks are French
The mechanics are German
The police are English
The government is run by the Swiss

Hell is a place where:
The lovers are Swiss
The cooks are English
The mechanics are French
The police are German
The government is run by the Italians
He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
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heech
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A young lady had unwantedly become pregnant and wanted an abortion. Unfortunately, a medical examination showed she could not and when told so by her doctor she broke down and cried. "I can't have a baby now," she said, "There must be something you can do!" The doctor thought about this for a while, and suddenly he came up with an idea: "There is bound to be someone in this hospital in for an appendix operation when you give birth, and we'll just give her the baby and tell her it wasn't the appendix after all."
The young lady agreed to his plan, but at the time she was giving birth there were no women in for appendix operation in the hospital, in fact the only person who was was an old priest. The doctor, desperately realizing the gravity of the situation and his promise, figured he might as well try anyway.
The priest was overwhelmed. Convinced this was an immaculate conception he took his little son home. The years passed and his son grew to become a fine boy. The priest was getting old, and finally he called his son to his deathbed.
"There is something I have to tell you," said the priest, "I am not your father." His son looked at him in surprise. The priest went on; "I am your mother, the bishop is your father."
He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
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Gerry
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Subject: 3 Minute Management Course



Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit
saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not" So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
up.

Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
bull.
" They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top
of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of
the tree.

Management Lesson:

Bull poop might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.



Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the
bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As
the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid there
all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following
the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:

(1) Not everyone who poops on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of poop is your friend..

(3) And when you're in deep poop, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


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Coast Runner
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ROFLMAO!!! Nice one Gerry - I'll print that one off at work and pin it up somewhere :thmup:
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heech
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A couple of maintenance men are working around launch pad of the space shuttle one day, when one of them notices some fuel leaking from one of the fuel lines. They call mission control, who instructs them to try and contain the fuel till they can figure out what to do about it.
They start collecting it into buckets, cans, jars, whatever they can find around. After several hours (it takes mission control a long time to figure out how to stop these things) one of them decides to take a taste of it.
Jim: "Hey, Joe! Take a taste of this stuff. It ain't half-bad."
Joe: "Are you crazy?"
Jim: "No, really. It's kinda like vodka or something."
Joe: "You're right! This is pretty good!"
Jim: "Yea! And I think I'm getting a good buzz off it too."
So Jim and Joe continue to drink their new-found drink and mop-up the rest of the spilt fuel, though by now they're not really minding the work. The next morning, Jim gets a phone call.
Jim: "Hello?"
Joe: "Hey Jim, how ya feeling?"
Jim: "Pretty good, actually. I don't have a hangover or nuthin'!"
Joe: "Have you gone to the bathroom yet?"
Jim: "No, why?"
Joe: "Cuz I'm calling you from Australia."
He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
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Gerry
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Admin
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster
for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster
and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of
these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me
have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking
over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over
the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old
man.So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster
has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster
and closing fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual
spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He
grabs his shotgun and -BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn .... third gay
rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story ...
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will beat
youth and skill anytime.
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Gerry
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Admin
First, the Lord made man...



First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'"

After casting about for a suitable pearl,

He kept messing around and created a girl.



Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,

Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,

And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,

Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,

And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,

And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.





Then he added a mouth.
Ruined the whole damn thing.
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bundy
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What about when people say
"I slept like a baby!"
What?
You woke up every two hours screaming and then you poop your pants???

:P
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heech
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Public Relations
Judge: Jethro, you’re accused of stealing a printer.

Jethro: It’s a case of mistaken identity, Your Honor.

Judge: Five reliable witnesses say they saw you running from the store carrying a printer. So how can it be a case of mistaken identity?

Jethro: I thought I was carrying a cash register.
He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
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heech
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This has been around, but this tiem there were a few new ones, my aoplogies to the Welsh.

Economic Models - With Cows:

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some
milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks
the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on
the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the
other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to
analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to
your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred
via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the
majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your
listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on
one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States ,
leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a
riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market
it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they
live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they
are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you
have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You
count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows
because your sobering up and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINA CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking
them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine
productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them
that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the lights out of
you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now
you are part of a Democracy....

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers.

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very
attractive.
He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
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Gerry
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Getting old
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