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| Lets Tell Jokes | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 2 2005, 08:13 PM (2,330 Views) | |
heech
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Apr 25 2006, 11:33 PM Post #76 |
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Old west... A bar... All of a sudden, the door opens with a kick, and a cowboy in black enters... Black hat, black foulard, black shirt, black trousers, black boots, black gloves, black belt, and a black pair of guns... Everyone looks at him with fearful eyes. He approaches the barman, and asks: "Do you have a bucket?" Barman runs inside, finds a wooden bucket, comes back. The cowboy in black looks to the bucket, and orders: "Now, bring me three bottles of whiskey." Seconds later: "Pour them into the bucket." And, then: "And now, bring this to my horse outside." The frightened and surprised barman does what the cowboy in black tells. He finds a horse, black as night, tied in front of the bar, completely in black harness. It drinks all the whiskey at once. Then the barman returns back inside the bar. The cowboy very carefully looks into the bucket, sees that nothing is left, and asks: "What do I owe for this?" Barman, while calculating the price, asks: "Won't you drink anything?" The cowboy in black replies: "No. I don't drink and drive." |
| He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth. | |
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Coast Runner
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Apr 26 2006, 09:23 PM Post #77 |
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Madam President
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Subject: Definition of "STOP" >A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. >The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he's sure that >he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have >some fun at the deputy's expense. >> >> >> >> Deputy says, "License and registration, please." >> >> >> >> Lawyer says, "What for?" >> >> >> >> Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign". >> >> >> >> Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." >> >> >> >> Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and >> registration, please." >> >> >> Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" >> >> >> >> Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, >> that's the law. "License and registration, please!" >> >> >> >> Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow >> down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me >> the ticket, if not, you let me go and don't give me a ticket." >> >> >> >> Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." >> >> At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating >> the crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow >> down?" |
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heech
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Apr 29 2006, 01:15 AM Post #78 |
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Yet another parrot joke: Last week a woman entered a local pet-shop with the intention of purchasing a talking bird. However, it seems a lot of people are going to receive talking parrots for Christmas this year, as the shopkeeper had sold her entire stock of speaking pets, except for one rather attractive Macaw. It turned out that this bird had lived in the local massage parlour prior to being sold to the pet-shop. Despite this the woman purchased the Macaw and took him home to show the family. As soon as she had the bird settled on a perch at her home he looked around and said: "Arrrk, new joint, new madam! Arrrk!" Later that day the woman's two daughters arrived home from high school. Upon seeing the teenagers the Macaw yelled: "Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls! Arrrk!" Then father came home from the office and when our feathered friend saw him the bird squawked: "Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls, same old customers. G'day Jimmy!" |
| He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth. | |
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Coast Runner
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Apr 29 2006, 02:17 PM Post #79 |
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Madam President
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Hey B, Why don't you post your naughty jokes in The Attic L |
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mike
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May 1 2006, 12:21 PM Post #80 |
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The deer hunters. A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck starts to panic, then Whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?" The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!! :rolleyes: |
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mike
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May 1 2006, 12:24 PM Post #81 |
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Can of worms. A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration? A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
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heech
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May 2 2006, 01:54 AM Post #82 |
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A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden... After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him... "Lets see yer fishin' license, Boy!!" the Warden gasped. With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young feller, "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one..." |
| He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth. | |
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Coast Runner
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May 9 2006, 04:51 PM Post #83 |
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Madam President
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B),,I'm a chick but even I had to laugh about this one :lol: |
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<a href="http://www.aquarank.com/in.php?id=fnesr" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.aquarank.com/image.php?id=fnesr" alt="The Top Aquarium Fish Sites" border="0"></a> Laugh* Love * Live * Shine ![]() | |
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Krystal
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May 16 2006, 06:12 PM Post #84 |
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.Spunky Cichlid.
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The Top 10 Geek T-Shirt Slogans 1. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key 2. <-------- The information went data way 3. The name is Baud......, James Baud. 4. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! 5. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" 6. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny 7. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... 8. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! 9. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... 10. Go ahead, make my data! Thoughts on Life The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Money can't buy happiness... But it sure makes misery easier to live with... Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh*t before. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. Most dogs are immortal. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. The Chief of Police is always black. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child |
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heech
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May 17 2006, 07:15 AM Post #85 |
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This bishop invites a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the priest can't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper is. Over the course of the evening he starts to wonder if there's more between the bishop and the housekeeper than meets the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the bishop volunteers, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later the housekeeper comes to the bishop and says, "Excellency, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The bishop says, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sits down and writes: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later the bishop receives a letter from the young priest, which reads: "Your Excellency, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now." |
| He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth. | |
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heech
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May 18 2006, 11:55 PM Post #86 |
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The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.) Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car? A: Always wear a condom. Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too s--- faced to find your keys. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons. Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer? A: It would be tough to be a d---head all day long. |
| He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth. | |
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heech
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May 26 2006, 06:26 AM Post #87 |
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I was musing on similarities between Santa Claus and system administrators. Consider: Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal. Santa seldom answers your mail. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me." Santa doesn't care about your deadlines. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions. Santa laughs entirely too much. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your HOME. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence. NOTE: I am not saying anything about fnesr and the way he runs the site!!!! |
| He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth. | |
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Coast Runner
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May 26 2006, 09:28 PM Post #88 |
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Madam President
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Yeah you are ***Come on it's pay out Fnesr week*** LOL ![]() The on Fnesr
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Coast Runner
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May 28 2006, 08:43 PM Post #89 |
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Madam President
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ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned." "Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself." "BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'.. I just lost it." "CASE DISMISSED!!" Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!! |
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heech
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Jun 1 2006, 06:33 AM Post #90 |
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Here I go trying to offend: After the brief Falkland Islands war, a British regiment commander was addressing some troops under his command who had heroically performed above and beyond the call of duty. He informed them that Her Majesty's Army had committed to reward each of the three soldiers 100 pounds per inch of distance between two different parts of the man's body. The commander addressed the first soldier, "Where would you like to be measured, Sergeant?" "From the tip of me head to the soles of me feet, Sir!" he replied. "Very good!," the commander said, and the sergeant was measured at 6'5." He was paid the handsome sum of 7000 pounds. The second soldier was asked, "What about you, Corporal?" "Between the tips of the fingers of me outstretched arms, Sir!" the corporal said. "Very good!" replied the commander. The corporal, a man of considerable wingspan, was rewarded 8000 quid. Finally, the last soldier was addressed. "And you, Private, where would you like measured?" "From the tip of me penis to the base of me balls, Sir!" retorted the private. The commander replied, "I must admit this is quite an unusual request, Private, but it's your decision." He ordered the private to drop his pants for the ensuing measurement. Immediately the general's mouth fell agape and he stammered, "Where in God's name are your gonads, Private?!!" The private proclaimed, "Goose Green, Falkland Islands, Sir!!" |
| He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth. | |
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Yeah you are 
on Fnesr
12:12 AM Jul 12