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Lets Tell Jokes
Topic Started: Nov 2 2005, 08:13 PM (2,331 Views)
bundy
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What do you call a sleep walking nun?

A Roamin' catholic. :lol:
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Coast Runner
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Q: What do you call a Halo that's gone limp and fallen down around your neck?

A: A Noose ;)


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Laugh* Love * Live * Shine

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heech
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A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked if it was dead or alive.

"Dead," she was informed.

"How do you know?", she asked.

"Because I weeeed in his ear and it didn't move," said the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't move."
He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
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CrazyFChick

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An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?"

He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
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heech
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A Scotsman was sick and in hospital. His doctors were afraid that this was to be the end of him since nothing they did could do anything to make him healthy. His physician asked him if there was anything that he could do to make him more comfortable in his final hours. The Scot replied, "If I could only hear the pipes one more time it would make me very happy." So the doctor arranged for a piper to come into the room and play for the dying man.

When the Scot heard the pipes the color came back into his cheeks, his eyes became bright, his breathing was easier, and he got up and danced around the room. He was completely cured! Later, while recounting the tale to his fellows over lunch the doctor confessed that this was a miracle cure that he couldn't explain. When the pipes began to play the Scotsman was cured. The only problem he could see was that 2 Englishmen in for checkups died.

He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
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heech
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A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said:

"You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrance, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in.

"What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies:

"Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
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heech
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A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
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Coast Runner
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Relationship Joke

Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
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heech
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A man takes his wife hunting, and impresses on her again and again that "If you shoot a deer, don't let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it... it's their deer!"

So ... he's in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming... "It's your deer lady..It's your deer... Just lemme get my saddle off it!!!!"

He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
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Coast Runner
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Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.


Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes. :loll:

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Laugh* Love * Live * Shine

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heech
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Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if that was vandalised?"

"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
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Coast Runner
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WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in
front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of
coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks
up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were
only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring
and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you
remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car
making love?"

"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him.
The husband continues...

"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said,
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20
years?'"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"I would have gotten out today."
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heech
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To be read aloud:

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and pured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
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Gerry
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A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long
before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
"About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
"how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey Bill, do me a favor.
Follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked," So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said," Your house
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heech
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Oh man! :lol:
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