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Lets Tell Jokes
Topic Started: Nov 2 2005, 08:13 PM (2,332 Views)
heech
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Public Relations
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."
He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
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Coast Runner
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A little naughty.....


A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to
enter a password. Something he will use to log on to the computer. The
husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the
computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to
his wife that he was keying in: P... E... N... I... S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*** :lol:
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Laugh* Love * Live * Shine

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bundy
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hahaha :lol: bet that guy felt like a right ole ass :P
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heech
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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied," Sniff, sniff...Sorry, dad... I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"Okay, dad--as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this fur coat, title deed to a new country house plus a sizeable savings account. For me little brother, this gold watch, and for ye daddy, there's new Mercedes parked outside...(takes a breath)... an' I was hopin' for ye all to spend New Years Eve aboard me yacht on the Riviera..."

"What the...?!? How...? What was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

The girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff...I became a prostitute, dad! Sniff, sniff..."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
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Coast Runner
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-- Glad I'm not a blonde !!!

> It's almost cruel what they will do to a blonde.......

>


> A Blondes Year in Review

>

> January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

>

> February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print

> labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

>

> March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box

> said "2-4 years!"

>

> April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

>

> May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water

> won't fit into those little packets!!!

>

> June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

>

> July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the

> other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!


> August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because

> soft-top was open.

>

> September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

>

> October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

>

> November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per

> pound and I weigh 108!!!

>

> December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on

> the stupid phone!!!

>

> What a year!! :headrub:
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heech
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LOL - I think I would have liked to have seen July's event


A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for doctor brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
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heech
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WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
1300.01 GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, princesshouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1 Yellow Bellied Sidewinder
2 Two-faced Tort Feasor
1 Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator
3 Big-mouthed Pub Gut
0 Honest Attorney - EXTINCT
1 Cut-throat
2 Back-stabbing Whiner
2 Brown-nosed Judge Kisser
2 Silver-tongued Drug Defender - $100 BOUNTY
3 Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian
He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
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Krystal
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.Spunky Cichlid.
Super Chick

:rofling: :rofling: :rofling: :rofling: :rofling:
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Coast Runner
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Mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullpoop and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top. ;)
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heech
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A man goes with his wife to the doctor's office. Shortly after she goes into the examination room, the doctor comes out and sez to the husband, "I don't like the way your wife looks at all."

The husband sez, "Well doc, neither do I to be honest, but she's a great lil' homemaker and real good with the kids."

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heech
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I'll give you a secod for today as I missed all weekend long:


A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
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heech
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Before Death - Cancel your Credit Cards
My Aunt died this past January. Her credit card company billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now it was somewhere around $60.00 so I placed the following phone call:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CC company: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

CC company: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CC company: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

CC company: "excuse me?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you, the part about her being dead?"

CC company: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CC company: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CC company: "... (stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

CC company: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given ) (After they get the fax)

CC company: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

CC company: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

CC company: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CC company: "That might help."

Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery (address and plot number given. )

CC company: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!"



Death
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart!"
Dr. in Manitoba, Canada
He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
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CrazyFChick

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Dear god!! Sadly there's more than that company who happen to be total morons regarding customer's death :D
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Coast Runner
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Ernie drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Ellen, his regular sales woman.

Ellen was a pretty blonde, and as Ernie walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.



Five minutes later, Ellen came running up to him yelling, "Ernie! Ernie! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"


"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"


"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
<a href="http://www.aquarank.com/in.php?id=fnesr" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.aquarank.com/image.php?id=fnesr" alt="The Top Aquarium Fish Sites" border="0"></a>


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Krystal
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Super Chick
Subject: 20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity


1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise
your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something,
ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once
everyone has gotten overtheir caffeine addictions,
switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write
"for smuggling diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with
"in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area
and play tropical sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the
poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you
can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your
wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards
the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives!
They're loose!!"

9. Tell your children over dinner "due to the
economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of
insanity...e-mail this to someone to make them
smile and laugh. It's Called therapy and its FUN!!!
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