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Lets Tell Jokes
Topic Started: Nov 2 2005, 08:13 PM (2,334 Views)
bundy
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Here are some old ones I saved on my computer.



The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is one and one?"
"Eleven," she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right."
Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow," replied the blonde.
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff.
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. "It went great!" the blonde said. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!


---------------------

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show

for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell

me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last

week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and

nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new

negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to

sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore,

you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't

love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving

away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Your EX-Wife



Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that

you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a

far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown

out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice

when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came

to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say

anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with

MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to

sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag

was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had

just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was

$49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars,

I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I

guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My

lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from

me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born

Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!


:hello:
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Zac_Attack

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Two weasels were in a bar sitting on bar stools, and suddenly the first weasel said,"hey i slept with your mum last night"
Straight then the whole bar stopped talking and listened to wat the other weasel was going to say, or punch him. Again but louder the first weasel said,"I SLEPT WITH YOUR MUM LAST NIGHT", then the second weasel turnt around and said,"GO HOME dad you are a bit drunk".
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Gerry
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This was in a program called porrage

A man goes into his Doctor and says " me and the wife don't get any pleasure from sex no more"

The Doctor asks "what age are you"?

The man replies" 84 "

"84" says the doctor in a surprised voice, "what age is your wife"?

"78" the man replies

"84 and 78 and you don't get pleasure from sex no more", says the doctor shocked at the comment

"when did you notice this then" asks the Doctor


"twice last night and once again this morning" answers the old man
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DiRtY_SoUtH
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why didnt the duck go for a swim in the pond??



its head was stapled to the ground :lol:
A fish walks into a bar.... The bartender says "What can i get you?" the fish replys "WATER!!!!!"
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Zac_Attack

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this one goes out to dirty south

a boy was at a pool and anyway he was swimming and all of a sudden wanted to go off the diving board at the deep end. so he walked to the diving board walked down the end of it and started bouncing then jumping and then started counting, 3, 2, 1, and he jumped but he didnt leave the board so he looked at his feet and they were stapled to the board........hehe

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bundy
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that joke sucks :lol:
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fnesr
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....Beeracuda....
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bit weak :lol:
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DiRtY_SoUtH
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your crampin my style boy
A fish walks into a bar.... The bartender says "What can i get you?" the fish replys "WATER!!!!!"
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Luke
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why didnt dirty south laugh at zacs joke???


his head was stapled to the ground :P
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Computer says no

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bundy
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Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them looks down and finds a mirror.
She picks it up, looks into it, and says, "WOW! I know this person. I've seen this person somewhere before..."

The other blonde takes the mirror, looks into it, and says, "Duh, of course you have. That's me!"
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Krystal
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.Spunky Cichlid.
Super Chick
i just thought i'd add a warning here. I have deleted some of the jokes in this thread. They were inappropriate for whats supposed to be a pg rating.
Please keep them clean or this topic will be removed. And the person who posts the offensive joke will get a warning against them.
Oh and please no more staple jokes, it's getting too much.
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grokz
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LOL.....come on guys keep it clean or ill have to bring out the stick...lol
grokz

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callen
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The plane is on its way to Atlanta when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies: "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Atlanta,and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the Captain and Copilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and she will not move back to her seat. The Copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave First Class and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Atlanta.

The Copilot returns to the cockpit and tells the Captain that he should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the blonde woman as she won't listen to reason.

The Captain says, "You say she's blonde? I will handle this. I'm married to a blonde, I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, "First Class isn't going to Atlanta."





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Krystal
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.Spunky Cichlid.
Super Chick

:loll:

i've heard that one heaps, but it makes me laugh everytime.
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DiRtY_SoUtH
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the stick ........lol

i take blame for 1 of those jokes, sorry guys
A fish walks into a bar.... The bartender says "What can i get you?" the fish replys "WATER!!!!!"
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