Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
We hope you enjoy your visit.


You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free.


Join our community!


If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features:

Username:   Password:
Red Dusk Rains; Vega's Story
Topic Started: Jun 6 2007, 01:58 PM (420 Views)
Othnieus
Sgt. Othman
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
heyas, guys, im gonna be writing my story soon, so i decided to put it in useless talk for lack of a better forum folder for this sort of thing... /swt
not that i think its useless or anything but, its kind of a general talk kind of thing.
Anyway, constructive criticism would be much appreciated, but please, try to keep it nice, otherwise i might not try writing again... /sob
T_T
well, im going to get started a bit later on tonight in puting it up here, anyway, soon goes nothing! ...wait, is that right?
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Othnieus
Sgt. Othman
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
.The Prologue.
It was late afternoon, one day on the summit of Mount Mjolnir. All was quiet. The only sound audible was the wind rustling through the tall grasses, and the horns and mantises making their chirping, buzzing noises. The sun was nearing the horizon of this serene setting when a blue portal materialized out of the ground, and a young priest stepped out of the swirling blue energy.

The man was a traveling priest, given permission to roam all the world by King Tristam III, Ruler of Rune Midgarts. The priest wore his vestments in a slightly dishevilled manor, with his collar up instead of pressed flat out. He wore a magician's hat, partly because it was magically enchanted, partly because he thought it made him look rather fetching, and it pulled his outfit together. His pant legs were slightly too long. He had light brown hair, not quite long, not quite short, and parted in an oddly peculiar way. The priest seemed to shamble along, wistfully, and void of any goal or reason.

He made his way to the top of Mount Mjolnir and sat down, not in a normal way though, unlike a priest, he sat in a sort of lacidasical, laid back, posture. The priest doffed his magician's hat, and laid it on the ground next to him, then stared off into the distance as the sun faded ever further down towards the ground. The skies openned up oddly, and rain began to poor down, that day on Mount Mjolnir. The priest wasnt dismayed at the sudden onset of the rains, he was caught in a daze, at the splendor of what he was beholding, a sun shower at dusk. The drops of rain caught the atmosphere within them, and looked to be tinged red. On the ground, the puddles of rain reflected the crimson-orange skies. The priest slicked his wet hair straight back, and thought to himself, "Well Othnieus, isnt this just perfect? Isnt it just perfect, Mr. Martel? A fine sight like this.... and your all alone, by yourself watching such an amazing thing..."

Othnieus sighed and stared straight up into the heavens, letting the rain roll off his face. He thought to himself about how he could just wander the world, divoid of meaning, while such utter chaos went on. Ever since the pope of Arunfeltz was assassinated and their temple desecrated and ransacked, and Arunfeltz went to War with the Rune Midgarts-Shwartzvald republic alliance, thoughts like these came to Othnieus more, and more often.

Othnieus decided it was time to leave his favorite spot of sollitude atop Mount Mjolnir and head to Al DeBaran, The only other city besides Yuno, capitol of the Shwartzvald Republic left standing, since the El Mes Plato became embroiled in conflict. He beleived that he had spent enough time thinking, and any more time spent thinking about what he had no control over would just dampen his mood, and at that particular time, he didnt feel much like being sad.

By the time the priest arrived in Al DeBaran, it had stopped raining again, he was slightly dismayed by this, because he thought it was a rather odd specticle, and thought Nature was finally going to be original again. The first early stars were now coming out, and it had begun to get dark. Othnieus said aloud to himself, "Hmm... I beleive I should be turning in now, you know what they say, Othnieus, early to bed, early to rise!" And with that, Othnieus hurriedly stepped- well, still shambled to a nice looking quaint little inn, and turned in for the night. "Well Othnieus, tomorrow will be a better day... And maybe after a few weeks here in Al DeBaran, i can find my next town of interrest!" And with that, Othnieus closed the door to his room, changed into his sleeping-wear, turned off the light, and went to bed.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
kaiori
Member Avatar
Twice Godly Member
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
It's a really good start. Although It's kinda weird that he talks to himself. But overall it's really good.
Posted Image
This is a pic of Kaiori as an LK.
Sanity!? I don't remember having such a useless thing in the first place! ~Zaraki Kenpachi
Posted Image
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Othnieus
Sgt. Othman
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
yes, it is weird that he talks to himself, but that is who he is. He is a really quirky kind of guy, who often is unnaware of his surroundings, and i just thought it would add to him a bit if he talked to himself, heh.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Chaos Balmung
Member Avatar
Supreme Member
[ *  *  *  * ]
Wow my first post, may as well get into the fourm heh, ANYWAY
Interesting interesting, your writeing is quite nice though nothing has really happened story wise to pick on I mean comment on heh. Well just wanted to say i was reading it i stared to wonder if this was your life story, it seemed odd to me
Posted Image
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Othnieus
Sgt. Othman
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
well, ty chaos, as for othnieus, he and some of the other man characters draw some parts of their personas from some things from my RL. I was trying to stress how strange othnieus was at the begining, but i might have tried too hard when he kept on talking to himself. Anyway, i actually tried to used the prologue to really just set up some of the background information. The first chapter doesnt really deal with othnieus, though he is one of the poignant main characters in the story.

Oh, btw, i just wanted to mention that this is my first time ever trying to write a fan fic.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
kaiori
Member Avatar
Twice Godly Member
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Chaos Balmung
Jun 7 2007, 01:33 AM
Wow my first post, may as well get into the fourm heh, ANYWAY
Interesting interesting, your writeing is quite nice though nothing has really happened story wise to pick on I mean comment on heh. Well just wanted to say i was reading it i stared to wonder if this was your life story, it seemed odd to me

Yay welcome to the forum Chaos!
Posted Image
This is a pic of Kaiori as an LK.
Sanity!? I don't remember having such a useless thing in the first place! ~Zaraki Kenpachi
Posted Image
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Kao Ru
Unregistered

Lol I talk to myself a lot and my mother worries for my mental health when she sees it. Very good visualization so far. One thing about the visualization though is that the reader may not know how a priest or swordsman would sit so they're left to guess for awhile. I suppose it would be good if it was meant to give the reader a bit more personalization.

One suggestion would be to make the text more digestible by separating different thoughts into different paragraphs. Since a block of text like that may intimidate the reader and prevent them from reading the entire thing.

Great beginning /ok hopefully the next part comes soon.
Quote Post Goto Top
 
Chaos Balmung
Member Avatar
Supreme Member
[ *  *  *  * ]
Im about the biggest forum newbie ever so ill get a pic and all after some time heh. BTW forgot to say we all really talk to ourselfs when were alone (or at least i do) so it not THAT weird. Though it is alittle odd. Good luck writing and Good luck to me cuz i gotta finish my chapter for class and im shaking on it ><. /gawi
Posted Image
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Othnieus
Sgt. Othman
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
ty for your comments all, and i will break them up in to paragraphs though, i just had thought that the prologue wasnt as long as it actually was, heheh, anyway, im going to try to break it up. anyway, here comes chapter one, comin atcha, Chapter one, of Red Dusk Rains...
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Othnieus
Sgt. Othman
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
.Chapter One.
Late one night, all was quiet in the city of Yuno. In the governor's mansion, the governor stayed up late, staring at a roaring fire in the hearth of his luxurious, regal home. He sat in a large comfortable chair, brooding over Schwartzvald's deteriorating position in this war. The republic had already lost the cities of Einbroch, Lighthalzen, and Hugel. Those that were able to escape from the seiged cities took refuge in the einbech mines. The Schwartzvald republic was soon to be in an even more perillous situation, and the governor knew it. He knew he could not abandon his posision, but there was no reason He couldnt save His only living familly member, His daughter.

After spending hours pondering the matter, He made His decision, He would send his daughter away, to take refuge in prontera, the capitol city of Rune Midgarts. He would send a letter with His seal on it with her for King Tristam III. He would send her off early in the morning, with a single escourt, so as not to be conspicuous.

The next morning, a chubby little black cat moved silently and efortlessly down a hallway and poked his little head into a room. A young woman with long pink braided hair, sat on the edge of her bed, chewwing on the ends of the long red tassels of her sage uniform while reading through a copy of the "The Sage Diary". The cat slid his way through the door and stared up at the woman for a few moments. The woman was completely emersed in the book. The cat softly mewwed, which got the girl's attention. "Oh, Hello there, felix!", said the girl. Felix jumped up into her lap and she began to pet him. Felix snuggled up to her and purred. "And how is my chubby little kitty today?", she said in an affectionate baby talk, with a smile. To which felix responded with a slight pause, a meow, and then resumed purring.

All of a sudden, there was a knock on the door. Felix jumped on the girl's head and just kind of drooped there. The girl closed her book and answered the door. A short, round, maid stood at the door. She bowwed and Greeted her. "Excuse me, Ms. Albell, for disturbing you so early in the morn', but the governor would like to speak to you in the familly room.", said the maid, in a polite and proper tone. "My father? What could he want so early?", she inquired. "I dont know, Ma'am, but from the tone of his voice, it sounded powerful-important, now, shall we go?", responded the maid. The young sage nodded, and the maid hurriedly moved the girl and her cat, still lazilly slumped atop her head, down the hall.

When they arrived in the familly room, the maid left. Amelia was greeted by her father, Governor Albell. "Hello, Amelia," greeted the father. "We have a greivious issue that must be discussed..." Governor Albell looked as if he had gotten no sleep all night. "Amelia, im afraid your going to have to leave Yuno."
"Daddy? What is wrong, why are you asking this of me?"
"Dearest daughter, we both know the situation of the Schwartzvald republic has taken a turn for the worst. I cannot let you stay here to weather this hell."
"But father! I would never abandon you! You cant be ser-", He cut her off, "This is serious, you must listen to me." He Hugged her tightly, "its absolutely imperritive that you go. I must protect you. Dont worry, Amelia, we will see eachother again." Amelia, realising the seriousness of her father's plea, hessitantly obeyed," Ye....Y-Yes father." "Good," he replied, "I have prepaired a letter for you to take to the king of Rune Midgarts, as well as an escourt to take you there."

At that moment, a tall, stoic-looking crusader, with long blonde hair walked in. He wore a warm, calm, reassuring, look upon his face. "Crusader Vega Lyon, reporting, Sir!", He stated, and bowwed. "Ah yes, Vega, you are charged with the duty of guarding my daughter on her journey to Rune Midgarts." "Yessir!", He replied. "Good, then use this butterfly wing to transport yourself to Al DeBaran. You depart immediately. Godspeed!" And with that, Governor Albell handed Vega the butterfly wing. Amelia waved goodbye to her father and grabbed Vega's hand. She tried to keep a strong face. A single tear from her emerald eyes ran down her left cheek. Govorner Albell was crying on the inside, though the emotion didnt make it to his face. He had to be strong for his daughter. For all of Yuno. For the Schwartzvald Republic. He knew full well though, that this could be the last time he saw his daughter, his only child, ever again. Vega dropped the butterfly wing, It gently floatted down to the ground. A second later, the sage and her crusader were spirited away, like a leaf on the wind.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Chaos Balmung
Member Avatar
Supreme Member
[ *  *  *  * ]
Not bad it was interesting but it brought to a very odd questio, do you actully know the RO backstory... I didnt think people acutlly read such a thing. Though your main story is still a mystery ill keep reading for the hell of it but getting to use a bwing is kinda ceep isnt it? Well it is an ro fan fit but i think if they had bwings the gonvener could afford the 3K to warp to al de than to izulde and than they could walk from there. Though snice there in Al De they can met up with oth right? Wow im predicting. Yeah i just like being sinacal like this so best to just ignor things like this.

Ill Keep reading can't wait for next chapter ^ ^ /rice
Posted Image
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Othnieus
Sgt. Othman
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
well, i know quite a bit of RO background, but for purposes of keeping it climactic, im not going to include kafra corporation or cool event corporation because, why take a long, adruous, and testing road... when you can pay 1.2k and yell at a lady till she sends you there in 2 seconds? /heh
anyway, yeah, i was trying to give all items a feel to them, including the butterfly wing, since there is no such thing as "saving" a butterfly wing teleports them where they want to go... and hey! its less expensive than a kafra! lol
btw, there is an airship, but it isnt making commercial flights anymore, t'aint safe.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
atsuma
Newbie
great chapter othnieus!! i really liked it cant wait for the next chapter!!
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Othnieus
Sgt. Othman
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Ty atsuma!
unfortunately, chapter 2 of RDR is taking me longer than expected, but it will be up by tomorrow, provided i dont get side-oOH, WHATS THAT??*walks away*
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
Go to Next Page
« Previous Topic · Art & Fiction · Next Topic »